Robin's Rapid Reviews: Mongol Mania

So, something you may not know about me. I studied in China for four months. It was the best time of my life. And for some strange reason I became really interested in Mongolia, possibly because it got so little attention in my classes. Certainly it wasn't because of my trip to the Heavenly Lake (which is as close to see "real" Mongolia as I got). To review, it was rainy that day. I didn't sleep at all in that stupid yurt. Almost fell of a mountain and died TWICE. Also slipped in the mud and rolled down a hill when I went to take a leak. It was probably the most miserable I was the whole time I was there. So don't ask me why I'm so interested. I'm not sure I know what to say other than "They've got beautiful scenery" and "morbid curiosity" but I am. So we come to the "Conqueror" books by Conn Iggulden, probably one of the best gifts my father ever gave me. Specifically, I'm talking here about the first book, "Birth of an Empire." I have two more, Lords of the Bow and Bones of the Hill. Apparently there's another one out with a plan for two more. But the first three are about Ghenghis, the next set is about his descendants.

'twas a long time ago- longer now than it seems. In a place that perhaps you've seen in your dreams. For the story that you are about to be told took place on the Mongolian plains of old. Now, you're probably wondering where Ghenghis Khan came from. If you haven't, I'd say it's time you begun. Because rampant slaughter is the result of much fuss and hard work for the Mongol hordes that create them for us. And you see, quite simply they're very good at what they do. Making special tortures and death especially for you. But once, a calamity ever so great occured when two empires met by mistake.

And if you identified that as a modification of the soundtrack version of the intro to Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas, you know I can't pay much higher compliment to Iggulden. And I don't want to make it sound like it's all blood and guts because it isn't. It's very much a drama. His father is killed. His tribe is usurped and he and his brothers are left to die. There's the fighting between him and his older brother. His slow transformation from just a clever kid to a ruthless warrior and tactician. The very strange but deep romance between himself and his wife. Do you have any interest in Asia? History? Books? Things which are good? If you like ANY of those, give him a whirl. There's really only one downside- not only is it a series, each book is sizable on its own. Somewhere in the vicinity of 500 pages. And maybe Bones of the Hills isn't out in Mass Market yet. Or maybe my father just couldn't find it. Because I've got the trade Paperback of that and that thing is enormous. Taller and wider even than Fungus of the Heart in addition to being a very thick book. It's a tie for second biggest paperback on the shelves with the Necronomicon. I know 6X9 isn't an unusual dimension but my beloved Tim O'Brien, as well as *most* of my trade paperbacks are actually 5X8. And half as many pages. So. Um. Something to consider.

Anyway, one of the review quotes on the back of Bones of the Hills says something like "Read the book before Hollywood makes the movie." This scares me. Offends me even. God, I can just picture how they'd ruin the drama. The heartache. The revenge. The love and the loyalty that make the whole story work. Of course, it also makes me giggle. If anyone's going to write the terrible Hollywood version of Ghenghis' story it should be me. I'll call it "Khan Man" starring Johny Depp as Temudgin (Gheghis' given name) and Catherine Zeta Jones as his fiery wife Borte. Why CZJ?
1- She's gorgeous.
2- She has a lot of experience kicking people in the face in very bad movies including The Phantom (1996) and The Legend of Zorro (2005).
3- It's my imaginary movie and I'll cast who I want. Hell, I'll cast the mid-90's version of her just because it's my imagination and I can do what I want. And no, this has nothing to do with the enormous amounts of totally unecessary nudty I'll be writing into it. Shutup.

But seriously, we don't have to worry about Hollywood making a really bad version of the tale. Because someone already made a really good one. Specifically, it was Sergei Bodrov and his aptly titled movie "Mongol." And although I don't like the trailers because they portray it as an action movie when it isn't, it's still sort of fun.

(Look at me. I've moved on from linking to embedding. HTML, you are now officially my bitch.)

In any event, don't be fooled. It really is a drama. It's just the kind of drama where people ocassionally get their heads cut off. So, a really good one. In all seriousness you have no idea how many people I've forced to watch that movie, no one thought they'd like it. They all did. My father who hates Ghenghis. My mother who hates subtitles. One friend who hates history. Another with ADHD (despite it being a very long and slow-visual film). Hell, just a few days ago I showed it to a friend and his wife and the romantic parts of the story really got them going. I felt like a third wheel but it was my house. So all I could really say was "Mongolia is for lovers?"

I dunno about you, but the next step for me is to find a copy of the Secret History of the Mongols, the oldest extant biography of Ghenghis. Both the books and the film (the film is actually older by the way) were based primarily on that source. And sometimes they're in lock-step. Other times they diverge. The books offer more detail and without it, some of the aspects of the film, such as that brief shot of a wolf at the beggining don't mean as much as they should (suffice to say Gheghis' childhood clan was the "blue wolves"). So which version, if you had to choose would be better? That's dangerous thinking. I suggest you avoid that dilemma by reading the books AND watching the movies.

Oh, and just a quick note because I just realized when I went to get the code for that trailer, but on the complete opposite end of the spectrum from serious, touching, well researched drama, there's a new season of Archer starting. If you can picture a combination of The Man Who Knew Too Little and Drawn Together...that's Archer. So no, nothing to do with Mongolia, but I've got some friends who are probably celebrating the show's return right about now. Perhaps I'll join the festivities. Lighten it up with my fermented Mare Milk and show the guys how to sharpen their swords and pick a good bride (flat face, narrow eyes, strong legs). As Khan I have to do these things you know.