Monster Pageant critique

So this is (roughly a page) of the first critique I did for the Let's Make a Deal post. Children's picture books aren't really my thing, but I gave it a whirl. Next time, I'll post the fiction one. Normally I use Word's comment feature, but here I've ust reinserted those comments in italics. I apologize if it makes it confusing. For the most part I stuck to thematic or structural issues. I'd shoot myself if I were a copy editor, so yeah. Hopefully, reading through the comments I make will help you all self-edit. Really, that's the best thing anyone in the editorial process can do in the long run. Is help the author refine their own abilities. Anyway...
***************

Lilly was a Pageant Queen.
She had won so many pageants, that there were no more pageants left to win.
Until Lilly discovered……. Cut the ellipse. The words and eventually images need to make the flowA Monster Pageant.
Lilly wasn’t a monster, but she didn’t care. “I always win,” she said with her nose in the air. So are we rhyming or not?Lilly never cared for her competitors.
She only cared to beat them. Show, don’t tell. With kids you have more room, but these lines are weak and risk making the whole thing into a moral tale, which most kids don’t like. Nose in the air works. Let the artist take it from there. Swoosh! The curtains opened and the Monster Pageant swung into full swing. Repetitive and awkwardStinky Sam took the stage first. “My hobbies include toad kissing and swamp bathing.”
“P-ew! She sure is rotten!” the announcer said.
The audience applauded loudly. I feel like the audience response should be more interesting than mere clapping, and reference each creature’s uniqueness. “croaked in delight” maybe?The other monsters slapped Sam a high five. This doesn’t seem necessary and she’s the only monster who gets two lines of adulations.
“Hmmph!” Lilly said burying her hands in her pockets. What’s she wearing? You don’t need to tell us, but this limits the artist.Next came One-Eyed Susan. She’s just a girl with one eye? The others have alliterative names. “My hobby is collecting fashion eye-wear.” She winked at the judges.
“Oh, she’s a real charmer!” the announcer said.
The other monsters clapped fiercely.
“Pshaw.” Lilly said, covering her ears. “Eye’d” make her responses more tied to the situation.

***************

So, not much, but I hope it helps. I think the most important part was one not covered in that span. At one point, all the contestants help Lilly become monstrous, bt their identities get mixed up. One Eyed Susan provides "Gunky Grime" (why caps?) for Lilly's teeth. But that still sounds like something that Stinky Sam would come up with. Further in, the other contestants lose their identitys evn more in the talent portion when the acts are described but the performers aren't named. My response: "Seriously. Apply the creatures unique characteristics. If you can’t see (pun intended) how being one eyed could be used to help Lilly, pick something else." Children's books are all about repetition, simplicity, predictability. Once a formula is set or even started, you have to see it through. Hence my paroxysms over having two of three names be alliterative. Or specially identifying the characters oddities and then never making them relevant again.

Once again, I hope that provides some insight. I'll be doing a Paranormalish kind of thing next time, and I'll probably offer more critques in a few weeks if anyone's still interested.