Query Pride Parade Part II- Sexy Body Text

Okay, so here’s a few hints what I don’t want to see in the main body of your e-mail

1. 12 page play by play summary of the entire book, its back story, or your personal history. I am not your therapist. If I was, I could probably afford to eat on occasion. If you’d like to pay me as your therapist, we can work something out after hours. But ssh, it’s a secret to everybody.
2. Apologies. Stop. I don’t want to hear you apologize for not having 16 best selling books under your belt. Until such a time as we assistants, readers, etc. develop psychic powers and can identify promising authors from the other side of the world with naught but the incredible power of our brains, unsolicited submissions are all part and parcel of the process. And you don’t have to be neurotic or self deprecating to be an author. Although I hear it helps…
3. Stop asking for my permission to send a query. This is the same as apologizing for having sent it. It just creates more work and is kind of annoying. I knew the risks when I got into this game, kid. If you can’t handle it, go home. It’s a dirty job. But someone has to do it. And I figure that someone is me.
4. Insulting agents. Maybe you’re trying some kind of bizarre reverse psychology. “Maybe if I tell them their entire industry is full of useless poopy-heads they’ll hold me and love me and give me candy like my mother never did.” Bad news. That strategy doesn’t work.
5. Begging for help. Okay, folks. Here’s the thing. I can’t take time to give detailed advice to every single writer in the entire world individually. Mostly because I’d rather provide substantial help to authors who already have a solid Manuscript in the works. Also because there are a lot of online resources. Websites. Forums. Blogs. Twitter feeds. And of course, professionally published books and magazines that feature the advice of editors, agents (and their assistants!), professional and aspiring authors with more experience than you’ve got. So for shit’s sake, stop talking and start listening.
6. Other people writing your query. Occasionally, we’ll get queries from publicists etc. Maybe someone else wouldn’t mind. I do. You want to be a writer? Write your own query letter.
7. Ceaseless bragging. Got a query just the other day from someone whose e-mail address was something like “Bestwriterever@aol.com” and who, at the top of their e-mail had a BIIIIIG logo that said the name of the person along with text that read “unparalleled services for budding authors.” Or something similar to that. Note: Their subject line was wrong. Their query was sloppy. Their manuscript sample was MIA. Unparalleled? Really? Boy, I’m glad you were only sending this on behalf of yourself and not someone who might’ve had a chance otherwise. On a related note, please don’t make up your own company and pretend it means something. Would I like to one day be founder, owner and CEO of Crewd Entertainment Inc.? Yes I would. Am I now? No. Does such a company exist? No. Would claiming it does make me look foolish? Yes.
8. Don’t forget your sample! This is not a deal killer, but it is annoying and it wastes time. Just follow the guidelines and include the writing sample. And for god’s sake, copy paste it into the body of the e-mail. I used to sigh and open the attachments even though we ask you not do it that way. But just a few days ago, for the first time since I’ve had this laptop, McAfee had to quarantine a virus because it couldn’t just delete it. So honey moon is over kids. I officially refuse to view attachments accompanying unsolicited work. I didn’t keep my last laptop going for nine years with nothing more than replacing a burned out hard drive by inviting trouble. Regardless of what you may have heard, Danger is not my middle name. My middle name is Eric. Not very exciting, I know. But it’s a good, strong, reliable name. The sort of name that belongs to people who do not beat about the bush (you know, that always sounded vaguely sexual to me…but I digress). And so you know I mean it when I say “stop attaching what you should be pasting.” And for umpteenth time, if you’re an artist, photographer, illustrator, or anything like that and you NEED to show us samples…make yourself a website to serve as your portfolio. It’s not that hard.