Damn Your Eyes II: More of America's Funniest Home-Spun Queries

Before I get started, I wanted to say 2 things. First, given the poll results, at some point I'll do a trial run for my fiction on this blog and we'll see if people are still amused. Secondly, and I had to restrrain from posting over the weekend to rant and rave, allow me to just say that SHOOTING YOUR CONGRESSWOMAN IN THE FACE DISPLAYS A GROSS MISUNDERSTANDING OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A DEMOCRACY. Jesus. I mean, if this is what the American poopulation is becoming, I'm not sure I even want you to VOTE FOR ME anymore. My health is bad enough without incoherent right-wing extremists exercising their "god given rights" to legally obtain automatic fire arms even though the affect of firing them into a crowd is now obvious even to the dullest members of our society.
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5. Stop asking for my damn permission. Man, when did authors get to be so wishy-washy? I know the classic thing to do was to send a query and only send a manuscript if the agent was interested, but please, please read our guidelines. We specifically asked for you to send twenty pages. No more. No less. No matter what. Unless it’s a picture book. Or if you’re an illustrator. Or…well whatever. You know what I mean. And then there’s the “I queried you a year ago and you said no then, but I’ve revised it and may I send it again?” Gotta be honest, until I see the manuscript in front of me, odds are I won’t even remember what you’re talking about (and besides, I’ve only been there eight months.) Either way, what am I going to say? “You sucked then, so you must suck now"? "Go away kid, ya bother me”? Just send it- provided of course you really have revised and it really has been a decent length of time since before. Can’t tell you how much it upsets me when people we reject put a couple of quick spit-shine changes and resubmit a week later. Why wasn’t it that good in the first place? And also, you sucked then, and you suck now. So go away. You bother me.
6. If your query letter is more than a page, you’re in trouble. If your summary is close to two, you’re gone. I saw a query the other day that had three pages of information about how a couple met, courted, married and mated just to have several more about the kids, so that we could have several more about who they turn out to be before we actually get around to another paragraph about the STORY. I neither need nor want this sort of play-by-play of your entire freaking book. I’ve said it before and I will surely say it again- write your synopsis like marketing copy. Not sure what that means? Well, read the BACK COVER of a book and it’ll give you a decent idea.
7. If I see one more book about a Guardian Angel coming to earth to protect a teenage witch with whom he falls in love but must compete against the devil sent to assassinate her (who also loves her), well, I can’t be held responsible for my actions.Shame that sort of book sells. I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it, but you'd do us all a favor if you, y'know, at least tried to make it good or different.
8. Do not, I repeat do not ever send me a manuscript of more than 250,000 words. In fact, I’d highly recommend never exceeding 150,000, and even that should be carefully considered as there are many fine, full sized adult books between 75,000-125,000. 250,000 is two books put together. This is hard to read, hard to edit, hard to print. Every step of the way it takes longer, costs more money, and risks losing attention. If your thing is that big, find a way to break it up or cut it down.
9. Lawyers, please. I’ve told you before. If you’re going to drop your crap on me,forget the picture books and the middle grade. Make ‘em mysteries or legal thrillers. Stuff you know. Lord knows the cops aren’t very good at it.
10. Listen close, green living folks. Could you, just once, write a proposal that isn’t obnoxious, self important and condescending? Could you give a little thought to putting environmental issues into a story without making it overtly a propaganda piece? And, now hear me on this because I’m serious, could you please stop pretending that your sales will be in the millions despite the pitiful quality of your manuscript because you’re “saying something that’s like, totally important”? Actually, Merriam Webster’s recently posted a “user submitted new word” for just such people: ecotistical. Gotta love it.