Let me tell you a little story about bullshit. The Chinese phrase which means “that isn’t true” is bu shi, which is pronounced sort of like “boo sure.” As you may know, I’m America’s diplomatic representative to the Republic of Mikoslavia. Every now and then I bump into Chinese diplomats while I’m there and my translators find themselves saying bu shi an awful lot. Pretending, you know, that it’s what I was saying all along. Another true story about bu shi. Everytime I write it in MS Word, it automatically gets changed to “bus hi.” What the hell is that supposed to mean?
I got a query the other day that had one of the best opening sentences in a query letter ever. But it was addressed to Michael. What Michael? There is no Michael at our agency. You guys think I’m just paranoid or something but I swear I can’t spit without hitting a Michael these days. It’s driving me nuts. So now I need to outline an international Dan Brown conspiracy thriller about a secret, ancient cult of Michaels. Anyone interested in co-authoring? Not really my genre.
I also wanted to let you all know something. Something important. The truth hurts. Get over it. Notably, when I went back to grab the web address for that link, the ad on the side was for a promotion at Jack in the Box. I haven’t seen a Jack in the Box since 1997, and never in the Northeast. Which is where I live. That’s some good, targeted advertising right there. Hey don’t blame me just because your marketing department doesn’t know Jack. I just call’s it like I see’s it. So let me repeat: The truth hurts. It would hurt less if people weren’t dumb. And the funny thing is, very few people truly are dumb. But they sure act like it. And while I don't claim omnipotence or anything, I get the feeling most people don't even care when they fall flat on their face.
“If history has taught us anything, it’s that history hasn’t taught us anything.” General Jacob Gallbladder and the Art of War book III: Deep Thoughts
Hey, check it out- I'm infamous! And for all the wrong reasons. Should I apologize for giving free advice? Is being called a "gentle reader" (which is supposed to be a humorous and very Clockwork Orange thing given dark humor throughout this blog) really so insulting? I know this little blog isn't everyone's cup of tea but I'm unsure how to handle the idea that its very premise is offensive. Should I be insulted? Or flattered? After all, if no one has strong reactions, you must not be saying anything important. I wish if they'd hate my guts they'd at least listen to what I'm saying first. At least then I'd be confident that they hate me for the right reasons :)
1. I just tried purchasing a one-way plane ticket to Mikoslavia. and was denied. something about my work visa being expired and because I am not named Michael, nor is there an M anywhere in my name, they will not renew it. to that I say, "bu shi"
ReplyDelete2. You live in the northeast?!?! well, thanks for dashing my theory that NYC was this mythical place that only existed on an entirely separate planet. ...but i guess it's good to know that Jack in the Box can find you:)
3. I think some of those jackwagons out there need to get their heads out of their asses, because I hate to break this to you, but you're not all that offensive. I know being the king of offense is a life-long dream, but my theory is that you're probably one of those happy,nice, touchy-feely dudes that would prefer the only currency of the world be smiles and hugs. am i right or am i right? go ahead. i dare you to say bu shi to that.
sidenote: this has been a fun ride through random crap week...what's next? precisely ordered stool sample month?
You don't need to be so rough on 'em. That said, I do indeed say bu shi to your assessment of me. I'm not that happy or nice. Actually, I was diagnosed with chronic depression at 7. Oh, and I complain like an old man because that's what critics do. Can't make it better if you refuse to see the problems. That said, even if it's only for my own sense of self importance, I like the idea that my analyses and humbuggery are useful to people and have found that playing the villain usually makes people more willing to listen in an informal setting. Also because I enjoy being a jerk. But a well intentioned jerk.
ReplyDeleteNYC might be on another planet for all I know. Who knows what happens in all those train tunnels. Besides, when I tell people I live "about an hour north of New York City" everyone from out of the state thinks that means "upstate." No it is not upstate. Rochester, Buffalo, that's upstate. They're like seven hours away by car. You go straight South from where I am and you'd be in PA or NJ before you know it. Has it not occured to them that the city is an island jutting off the South-Eatern most portion of the state? For God's sake my train line is the "Harlem line to Southeast."
Unfortunately for everyone who crosses my path between the hours of six and ten am, im about as soft and cuddly as sandpaper. Coffee does wonders for my disposition. makes me all sunny and shit.
ReplyDeleteand being a jerk is always fun...so rock on with your jerk-y self. its entertaining...for me anyway
Hey no publicity is bad publicity! Although it can't be good for any author's career to publicly bash an agent or assistant on very public message board.
ReplyDeleteNo, I suppose not, and especially when it isn't called for. But whatever. The shame of it is, it's virtually impossible to try and talk it over with people because it will inerently sound like either bullying or excuses.
ReplyDeleteThat's why I stepped back. It just kept escalating. I did send a message to the original poster saying I wished them the best, but hey. Things get heated on AW. We LIKE to get our panties in a twist, I think.
ReplyDeleteI dunno what is controversial about your blog! Your sarcastic, but you're straightforward. I'd rather have honesty than sugar-coated snoberry. I only follow two agneting blogs regularly though, so what do I know. LOL
agnet? what is that?
ReplyDeleteHa, well, I am Italian so I certainly understand the allure of a good, pointless argument. But Amy, and Amy, don't you start fighting. I won't be able to figure out who I'm supposed to pull off of who.
ReplyDeleteI'm the same me! I just get tired of the cut and paste. I'm TRYING to get my blog out there in the interwebz...
ReplyDeleteI hang on to my dark-ninja identity for those just in case circumstances. You never know.
So you stage fights between your personalities? Mmmm. I feel a thriller coming on.
ReplyDeleteMy advice? Screw the interwebz. I never promote.
The thing is, I'm one of those hermit-geeks. I hate the whole promotion thing, but I have to get my name to trickle out somehow. I am considering hiring an evil scientist to concoct a drug and put it in the water supply that will make everyone seek me out. Until then, I am just attaching the link to my name and whispering sexy little tidbits about the hot niche sub-genre of paranormal I'm kickstarting.
ReplyDeleteI saw three people mention it this week...it's ALIVE.
I wouldn't worry too much about all the mud flinging. I swore to my boss I wouldn't say anything specific on my blog or tweets about queries and subs, but it is damn hard. Folks make some pretty silly mistakes that are hard to be general about.
ReplyDeleteI used to think that intern/agent blogs were a little snarky and mean to writers, but now that I'm on the other side, I completely understand. If they can't take good, clear advice from the agents and interns (no matter how bad it hurts) then they are only shooting their own career in the foot.
Thanks, Alyson. I don't take it personally, but maybe I have a messiah complex or something. Saved the world a few too many times in games or something. So their feelings seem like a failure on my part. Just as a writer shouldn't blame their readers for being too thick to understand the author's brilliance, I have to take some responsoblity for their viewpoint.
ReplyDelete