Damn Your Eyes Finale: Seeing Double on America's Funniest Homespun Queries

So we're finally at the end of my list of recently seen query mis-steps. At this juncture I just wanted to add a note. Someone who reads this blog asked the other day if I'd look over their query form letter, and as I took a quick read, it reminded me of something. Writing a GOOD query letter is really, really hard even if you know what NOT to do. I've been focusing a lot on those what-not-to-do scenarios for a lot of reasons. My personality. The ability to cover more ground. The ease of writing about it. The humor involved. So I thought I'd take a brief step back and remind all of you that if you're having trouble writing your own queries, there's nothing to be surprised about or ashamed of. It's not an easy thing to do, and it's not my intention to try and scare you by telling you these "war stories." I'm jes' learnin' ye some caution. One day, maybe I'll go more into detail, but for now, think of your query letter like a job interview (for a low paying job with no benefits to speak of). It needs to be neat, presentable, say as much as possible with as little talking as possible, and balancing confidence so that you're not some shy, akward weirdo (myself) or some overbearing asshole (unsurprisingly some of the best queries I see come from marketers, but they're usually huge jerks with uninteresting books). Meantime, keep your chins up.
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11. One author sent two wholly different query letters for the same exact book, on the same exact day, to the same exact e-mail address, but with one written to myself and one addressed to the bossman. This just takes up space. Really. We’re only going to read one version or the other. Even if it’s good enough to warrant asking for a second opinion, we’re going to forward each other ONE copy. And it’ll be whichever one we pick up first. So what the heck?

12. When an agent signs an author, they’re not looking to represent one book. They’re looking to represent you for your career. So for shit’s sake, stop sending two or three different manuscripts back to back to back. Send your best one. If, and only if we say “the writing’s good but the story just isn’t us.” Then go ahead and ask if we’d be more interested in another manuscript- or better yet, just submit it separately in a few months. You think we’ll remember the other one if you don’t bring it up? It’s your chance at a fresh slate. Or pretty close anyway. Sorta like an etch a sketch with a few faded but permanent lines stuck in there.

13. One author ignored the submissions guidelines on our website. I choked down my disgust and sent a simple message telling him to resubmit properly. Which he did. Twice. Of course. With slightly different subject lines. But the kicker is, the 20 pages he sent in each query? Totally different. Hell, I don’t even know if it was the same book, much less the same pages. And we did say first twenty. There’s a reason for that. If you’ve got alternate versions…pick one.

14. Speaking of alts, sometimes an author will send us a query. Then, three weeks later and before we’ve even responded yet, they’ll send another version bearing little resemblance along with a note along the lines of “Gee, I know I already sent this, but I can only imagine that because you didn’t fly out to my home bearing frankincense and myrrh that you weren’t interested, so I thought I’d send you this version which is EVEN BETTER. I’ll be expecting my biblical gifts soon.” Please stop doing this. For starters, frequently the original version is WAY better because it’s the one they’ve been working off of the whole time. Secondly, it’s just adding more work. Because now we have to reject you twice. And what’s the upshot? Did you think we could sign you twice? Because, you know. We can’t. Although if you want us to take double the commission...
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So there you have it. Fourteen of the top worst things you can do when sending me a query. Hope that helps iron out your forms, everyone.