Things, Stuff and Such: Strikeout

I had planned to do the conclusion to my little series yesterday about whether or not authors really need publishers, but was unexpectedly detained for the majority of Saturday and Sunday by extended relatives and by the time I finally came home, there were uncomfortably large piles of work waiting for me. So I've taken the coward's way out. I'm just putting up something I wrote years ago for a humor column in a small club newsletter at my undergrad school. A column made by me and only me, forever and ever. Amen. It's Thing's Stuff and Such. So thank you, you stupid, fake holiday for having given me a way out.
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Everyone loves lists. David Letterman is famous for lists. Lists are the most famous aspect of Mental Floss. Degrees of Kevin Bacon is like playing a list. Why, I’ve half a mind to compile a list of the most famous lists in the world. Instead, I shall draw inspiration from the world around me and create a list of observations I made last February, Specifically, what guys do to piss off the “chicks.” So allow me to give you seven pieces expert advice* on the subject so this Valentines will go a little better.

Number Seven: My fellow nerds- you need to face facts. If you’re lucky, you emit an aura of let’s-be-friends. If you’re unlucky…well, we all know how that goes. Your only real option is to target nerdy girls. Unfortunately for us, the male: female ratio is somewhat skewed. Allow me to elucidate for our normie brethren. The world of nerd-love is dog eat dog.
Number six: You’re not funny- Puns, dirty jokes. You know. That stuff? Not a turn on. I thought that round of Hang Man I orchestrated where the answer was “I’m Hung!” was a riot. Yeah. They rioted all right. I’m still in traction.
Number five: Too much love to handle- Them there handles you done got there? Them’s mighty big handles. Yes sirree-bob. Regardless of what they say, appearance matters just as much to women.
Number four: Nice guys finish last- All that respecting their feelings stuff? That does not apply so well in college. Relationships come and go pretty quick ‘round these parts. No time for being a sissy. Walk up and say “You. Me. Movies. Wednesday.” ‘Sides, having gold to dig is worth a million flowery poems. Even if you write them specifically for her. That’s the God’s honest.
Number three: You’re a dick- Aggressive good. Obnoxious bad. Aggressive pursuit and maintenance of a relationship is key. That doesn’t mean you can say whatever, and God help you if you don’t call her every other day. Careful though. Call her every day and then you’re clingy.
Number two: Romantic comedies are garbage- I don’t care if you think seeing a chick flick is an easy way to score. You should keep your girl away from movies starring Matthew McConaughey at all costs. It will only give her unreasonable expectations of how you should act.
The number one mistake- No research. I speak in all honesty when I say that in the last few years I’ve asked out two girls with local boyfriends. One with a military boyfriend, and one with a girlfriend. This will teach me to be asocial. We live in the age of Facebook, people. Look her up. Find out what the deal is. Learn a little about her other than that she’s “super hot.” I mean, eventually I began to enjoy having my foot in my mouth, but it’s a taste you’re better off not acquiring. Consequently, for all the lady types who read my gibberish? Nothing kills a conversation with a pacifistic academic faster than “You’re so funny. You sound just like my military BF.” That’s totally cool. And not awkward at all. Assuming she was being clever, I have to give her credit, though. I’ve heard the friend’s speech one too many times. I’ve got it memorized. There’s got to be some pamphlet they give you on how to reject us. I’m on to your conspiracy. I’d follow this up with a list of what women do wrong, but in doing research for this, I came across a startling fact. Women are never ever wrong about anything, but especially in relationships, and your assumption that they can be fallible is the worst thing you could ever do.

Peace and love
(Wink, wink)
RC

*Robin Crew is not an expert in love. He knows no experts in love, and his shriveled, black, soulless heart is incapable of feeling such emotions. As such, he takes no responsibility for your inability to successfully utilize the advice he has given you. Honestly, why the ever loving $%@! Would you listen to him anyway?
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Okay, kids. Happy hunting.