Multi-Media Week!

I apologize. This should have gone up yesterday, but it was my Grandmother's 96th birthday, so yeah.
*************
Now that I have completely random crap out of my system, it’s time for me to move on to multi-media week! Because obviously I needed another theme week in a row in order to keep my mind from wandering out to pasture and never coming back. So anyways, this week I’ll be doing a lot of reviewing. I guess. Of franchises that span multiple mediums. So it’ll be fun. I hope you can handle all the fun it will be. I’ll start this off with everybody’s favorite cartoon rabbit, Roger.

What, you thought it’d be Bugs? Bugs is a pain in the ass. I always rooted for Daffy, personally. I think the only thing Bugs ever did that I laughed at was to quote Shakespeare. Specifically the time he said “what light through yonder window breaks” and then threw a rock through a stained glass window. Poked me right in the center of my Breaking Things is Awesome Cortex. If you don’t have one, or you feel yours may be underdeveloped the problem is easily diagnosed but difficult to fix. Chances are, you’re missing the Y Chromosome. Or you might just be an idiot since clearly aimless, wanton destruction is the shit. But fear not. Because Roger doesn’t rely on needless destruction. Which isn’t to say he doesn’t cause plenty of it, but whatever.

So in order to save time in the first actual review, let me briefly explain the franchise’s history. Gary Wolf wrote a book, sort of a hard-boiled detective parody called Who Censored Roger Rabbit way back in the day. It was completely different from the movie that it inspired, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, probably because the movie had been drugged, tortured and forced to kneel before a committee of mean-spirited corporate jerks. But an amazing thing happened. Yes folks, the power of true love came to the rescue, and despite the fact that the movie bore essentially no resemblance to the book whatsoever, they chose to actually make a good product which is quite rare in Hollywood. The success of the movie inspired Wolf to write ANOTHER book using the characters called Who P-P-P-Plugged Roger Rabbit? This book, sadly is the only major entry in the franchise I am not familiar with since the only time I ever saw a copy it was in hardcover and on principle I don’t buy hardcover. I do however accept hardcover books about murdered cartoon rabbits as a bribe. Just saying is all. Anyway, the interesting thing to note is that this second book was no more connected to the first than the movie was. In my years of nerd-dom, I became familiar with the concept of a meta-series because they’re common enough in Japan. It may take a little getting used to but it actually works out pretty well. You can think of it as alternate dimensions if you want. Regardless, a meta-series is when characters, setting, theme or any combination of them link two projects which are not directly connected and indeed, would sometimes outright contradict one another if they were by having completely different timelines, or using the same characters but with different relationships between them, etc. So get used to that idea because you’ll probably see it a few times this week.

Now, there are only two reasons people read reviews. One is for the entertainment value of the reviewer and their bombastic, over the top nit picking, and the other is for an arbitrary score which tells you at a glance whether or not the product is worth your time. I’m really not keen on giving you a simple answer because a recommendation depends. Are you stupid, or do you agree with me? So all this week, my reviews will boil down to sweetened confections. Confused? You won’t be after the next post on Crewd Philosophy!

Random Crap Week Part VI

So every now and then, someone chooses to follow me on twitter, which is odd because I really don’t say anything. And while I will occasionally stop lurking for a moment to comment on a blog… I do no such thing with Twitter. Still, I said “I should at least see who it is. It seems to me the polite thing to do is to follow your followers right back.” So I looked her up. If her face image is to be believed, she’s quite cute. Also, her most recent tweet at the time read something like “Watching Firefly on Netflix and eyeing WIP apologetically.” Well, good enough for me. What say you and I get hitched, mysterious twitter lady*? What’s that you say? You’re already happily married and have children? Worry not, darling. True love conquers all.

Just kidding! I put marriage, or even romance on roughly the same level as professional wrestling. I acknowledge it only briefly and intermittently, and even then only for the sake of snickering at those foolish enough to indulge in it.

“The best part about going to war is not having to fight in it.” General Jacob Gallbladder and the Art of War Book II: On Being an Officer.

Returning to what is ostensibly the core of this blog- working in the publishing industry, I’d like to vent about wankers/give advice for all you authors, especially those as yet unrepresented ones. When I e-mail you politely asking you to RESUBMIT FOLLOWING OUR SUBMISSION GUIDELINES this does not mean that we’re requesting the full and it doesn’t give you the right to act as if we’re a breath away from drawing up a contract. I’m just giving you the chance to do things properly. I could just as easily have deleted you, or rejected you for your inability to read our website BUT I’m such a kind and compassionate fellow (shutup, I am) that I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt and I don’t want to miss out on a good book, especially when I know how confusing and mind numbing it can be when you’re sending things to a hundred places. It’s a lot like looking for a job and in the middle of an interview trying to remember if this is the company with the data center is Des Moines, Delhi or the dark side of the moon, and fearing that you’ll get it wrong, freezing up and using your stock speech. It happens. I don’t want to penalize you for it. But stop abusing it. Also stop assuming it moves you instantly to the top of the pile. Because all these other people are also waiting for a response and they actually sent their bloody manuscript sample.

Also, for shits and giggles, I think you should all pretend that I speak very fast (which I do) but in a British accent (which I don’t). British accents make the perfect villain voices, and I do say bloody a lot so I can only imagine that right now you’re picturing me twirling my handlebar moustache and tying your beloved manuscript to the railroad tracks.

On a final note, do any of you watch Castle? It’s a crime drama/sitcom about a writer who shadows police (and all the requisite job tension and romantic wackiness he has with a gorgeous lead detective) starring the same guy who was Captain of the Spacecowboys in Firefly, the show Mysterious Twitter Lady is watching. Anyway, the show always makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. Mostly because the main character’s daughter is also gorgeous and I’m not even sure she’s legal, so I always get this dirty feeling for acknowledging how cute she is. I am not okay with this. I demand TV shows be populated with ugly people to assuage my conscience.

*I wrote this a week ago and have since discovered that she’s been officially signed at our agency. Congratulations to Shelley Watters.

Random Crap Week V

Let me tell you a little story about bullshit. The Chinese phrase which means “that isn’t true” is bu shi, which is pronounced sort of like “boo sure.” As you may know, I’m America’s diplomatic representative to the Republic of Mikoslavia. Every now and then I bump into Chinese diplomats while I’m there and my translators find themselves saying bu shi an awful lot. Pretending, you know, that it’s what I was saying all along. Another true story about bu shi. Everytime I write it in MS Word, it automatically gets changed to “bus hi.” What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I got a query the other day that had one of the best opening sentences in a query letter ever. But it was addressed to Michael. What Michael? There is no Michael at our agency. You guys think I’m just paranoid or something but I swear I can’t spit without hitting a Michael these days. It’s driving me nuts. So now I need to outline an international Dan Brown conspiracy thriller about a secret, ancient cult of Michaels. Anyone interested in co-authoring? Not really my genre.

I also wanted to let you all know something. Something important. The truth hurts. Get over it. Notably, when I went back to grab the web address for that link, the ad on the side was for a promotion at Jack in the Box. I haven’t seen a Jack in the Box since 1997, and never in the Northeast. Which is where I live. That’s some good, targeted advertising right there. Hey don’t blame me just because your marketing department doesn’t know Jack. I just call’s it like I see’s it. So let me repeat: The truth hurts. It would hurt less if people weren’t dumb. And the funny thing is, very few people truly are dumb. But they sure act like it. And while I don't claim omnipotence or anything, I get the feeling most people don't even care when they fall flat on their face.

“If history has taught us anything, it’s that history hasn’t taught us anything.” General Jacob Gallbladder and the Art of War book III: Deep Thoughts

Hey, check it out- I'm infamous! And for all the wrong reasons. Should I apologize for giving free advice? Is being called a "gentle reader" (which is supposed to be a humorous and very Clockwork Orange thing given dark humor throughout this blog) really so insulting? I know this little blog isn't everyone's cup of tea but I'm unsure how to handle the idea that its very premise is offensive. Should I be insulted? Or flattered? After all, if no one has strong reactions, you must not be saying anything important. I wish if they'd hate my guts they'd at least listen to what I'm saying first. At least then I'd be confident that they hate me for the right reasons :)

Random Crap Week Part IV

Just thought I’d mention another thing about queries at the agency. While there are more books that take place in Ireland than NY (why?) and more about synesthesia, than about Asia, I get the feeling that the authors who DO write about Asia expect me to be automatically sympathetic as one who studied Asia extensively as an undergrad, having studied IN China and worked in Japan. First of all, let me start by saying I absolutely hated the company I worked for in Japan and it was a miserable time that very nearly made me hate the entire country. Eventually I got over it (Through the magic of samurai movies and giant robots) but that’s neither here nor there. Did I study East Asia? Yes. Did I love to do so? Yes. Does that mean I love every book with a Chinese protagonist or which takes place right outside the DMZ in the ROK circa 1960? Well, no. In fact the other way around. Sort of. Because I love the subject, I’m ultra receptive to GOOD books. Bad books which happen to feature Asia on the other hand really piss me off. I’ll see ones where characters will have two surnames because the writer got confused and thought it was a given name when it isn’t. Shit like that tips me off that I will not be friends with that author. ‘Sides, these books rarely line up with what the agency is looking for. Which is a shame, really. Understandable though. Like I said, I studied it. Would I be in a position to write a book that actually takes place there or something? Hell no. Sometimes knowing a subject well also means that until you’ve examined each facet individually, you don’t know the half of it.

So I just realized that an “old” SRPG is being re-released on the Playstation Network. What is an SRPG? Well, it’s more complicated than this, but it’s chess if chess were also a book. That is, it’s a turn based tactical war simulation WITH A PLOT. Horror of horrors. Why does that matter you might ask? Well, Saiyuki: Journey West is a loose adaptation of The Legend of the Monkey King/Journey to the West which I mentioned on this blog just a few weeks ago. As you can imagine, Eduardo my thesis monkey and Travis, my howler monkey/body double are very excited. Eduardo is angry because it takes liberties with the book. Travis doesn’t care about that. He’s too busy running around the house, screaming at the top of his lungs and declaring himself to be the one of a kind Stone Monkey King, lord of the island of fruits and flowers while hitting things with a big stick (what happened to the speak softly part?) which he claims is his gold banded, as-you-will iron cudgel. In reality, it’s just a stick he picked out of the snow. Either way, they’re making my life hell whether I choose to play it or not. What’s that you say? You finally understand why I’m always talking about Eduardo and Travis? You think they’re the personification of my ego and id respectively? Well, who the fuck asked you?

Speaking of asking you things, I think this past poll was the first one to have a demonstrably correct, universal answer. And no one picked it. Barry Mann is the mann...err, man who put the bomp (in the bomp, bomp, bomp) given that he wrote the song. Have to say I wouldn't have picked a serious answer either. Although I'm a little surprised at how popular the second gunman from the Grassy Knoll was. I guess anything can seem hilarious if it's out of place enough?

Random Crap Day/Week Part III

For some bizarre reason, we must get at least three books about Synesthesia a week at the agency. Never heard of it? According to a wiggly red line, neither has Microsoft Word. Neither did I and I aced AP and college bio along with three psych classes, including abnormal and had several friends whose parents (in the plural! Including one guy psychologist parents wanted to be a neurologist!) until recently. Now I wish people stop telling me about it. Apparently it’s a weird and VERY RARE neurological disorder which manifests in what I can only call impossible, imaginary sensations. Not that it actually seems too bad. I mean, I have no interest in SMELLING purple, but unless purple smells like a hobo, I don’t see the problem. And yet these books uniformly spend lengthy portions of the query telling me about the disorder as if I hadn’t heard the song and dance a hundred times. Shit, I thought it was supposed to be rare. Where are these books coming from? Clearly everyone who knows anyone with this disorder has made a pact to write a book and send it to the agency I’m at. And the best part? They’re always “we must protect small synesthetic children from the bad reputations they receive from declaring that that the number 12 is very hot today.” I’m pretty sure no one is going to be like “You’re a liar and idiot.” And if someone does and that ruins a child’s life forever? Well, the truth hurts. Get over it. I mean, um. Buck up. You're not lying. You're just wrong. In all seriousness though,the synesthetic community has apparently already misappropriated the Giver by Lois Lowry the damn, dirty thieves. What more do you want? If you’re looking to make synesthesia a fad, I’d say mission successful. If it annoys me this much, it must be popular.


“Voltaire once said that God is always on the side of the larger army. God and I have many things in common.” General Jacob Gallbladder and the Art of War Book I: Tactics.


I think I may have accidentally discovered the secret identity of la rejectionista (no I won’t tell you) and convinced a friend that I’m a psychic at the same time. A winner is me. His name is Wilkin. When he asked me how I figured that out, as well as a couple of other things which he knew the answer about for sure and which I was merely speculating on but turned out to be correct, I told Wilkin that my deductions were elementary. And then I giggled like a schoolgirl.

Random Crap Day Part II

The importance of being Michael- My godfather’s name is Michael. We had lengthy discussions on the subject of Zork last weekend. My best friend since highschool’s name is Michael. He lives in a house with two other guys named Michael he met in college. They’re known as the Mikeumvirate, lords of Mikoslavia. Michael is the most well known archangel. This blog has been referencing films with Michael Cera a lot lately (e.g. Scott Pilgrim and Superbad). I was unaware that I was a “fan” until I saw Jesse Eisenberg’s (now famous for his role in “the Social Network”) portrayal of “Columbus” in Zombieland and instantly dubbed him “that fake, crappy Michael Cera” to the universal applause of friends and family. Actually, I just saw Zombieland for the first time the other day. It was pretty bad. Female lead Emma Stone (“Wichita”) was pretty good though. And also hot. And now that I think about it she was in Superbad. In case you were wondering, and in case I needed more proof that everyone, including the movie’s director spent their time wishing with all their might that Eisenberg might suddenly become A MICHAEL, which is clearly the most important thing. Example: The Nostalgia Critic’s review last week? A crappy sequel to a movie based on a book written by Michael Crichton. I looked up the guy who wrote the first novel I ever read. He’s still active. In fact, if you want him to come to your elementary school and teach the kiddies about the hell that is life as a writer, you need but contact his assistant- Michael. All things are coming up Michael right now. If you’re a Michael, congratulations. If you’re not a Michael, it sucks to be you. I’ll be sure to let everyone know when, like, Jonas week begins.

I also read the Scott Pilgrim comics during one of my visits to Mikoslavia, because they were in the possession of on Michael or another. Not sure which. You may have missed it, but there’s a lot of them. They’re everywhere. Disguised as normal people. Virtually indistinguishable from me or you.

Speaking of stupid theme days, like Random Crap Day, my brother and I had a chance to discuss Weird Al’s Straight Out of Lynwood album recently. See, it’s funny because despite the fact that he’s handsome and successful and happy and all that jazz (uh, I could be. I just don’t wanna. So there. Nyah), no one could ever NOT realize we’re brothers. Although they usually think I’m the older one for some reason. Anyway, we both declared that the album had only one bad song. So we delved deeper. Both of us felt that song was Weasel Stomping Day. Further investigation required! This feeling was bolstered for both of us because we got the impression that it was inspired by Whacking Day. Well. Great minds and all that. Coincidentally, according to that linked article, there were actual whacking day in Eastchester, where my Godfather, Uncle Michael was raised. See? See? Everywhere I go, there’s a MICHAEL. It’s gotta be some sort of world wide Michael conspiracy. I’m on to you Michael. Err, Michaels.

Random Crap Week Part I

And so he declared it INTERNATIONAL RANDOM CRAP DAY FOR A WEEK and lo was it so.

So the other day I was out driving around my town and I saw these two guys using a backhoe to plow snow. And the best part? We have less snow right now than we’ve had at any time since the day after Christmas.

Speaking of snow, I was watching the news this morning. I don’t know why they bother. They could honestly just play one ten minute tape on a loop all winter and no one would notice. See, they blabbered on and on about snow. Took two seconds out to admit that international crises a la Libya EXIST, then went back to the snow. With fifteen correspondents to cover every county within 50 miles of NYC. And let me tell you, these dedicated folks make some truly brilliant observations. They spent all their screen time sharing such astonishingly thought provoking insights as “there is snow on the ground” and “snow is white. Everything is covered in snow. Everything is very white.” At least if it had been cable news, perhaps they’d have had the cajones to remind viewers not to eat yellow snow (and apparently their viewers need such reminders). Unfortunately, it was network news and therefore under strict censorship. I just kept waiting for the announcer to tell me that this hour long weather and traffic report was sponsored by the letter L.

The same day I saw the backhoe, a reader created an awful (awfully funny) false query to demonstrate how dumb your query looks when you ignore good advice. It was pretty great. For a moment, I even held hope that the sheer hilarity that has transpired on this humble blog in recent times would educate the world and I’d stop getting bad queries. It was only a moment, because I was immediately assailed by an aspiring author with a very unprofessional e-mail address who sent FIVE manuscripts SEPERATELY, for books the agency has little interest in, ALL AS ATTACHMENTS, all at the same time with letters that could be described as marginally better than a gunshot wound to the genitals… if you were feeling generous.

“Time is like a river. Everyone dumps their garbage in it, so it gets really grody downstream.” General Jacob Gallbladder and the Art of War Book III: Deep Thoughts.

The Facts of Life

Last weekend, there was a big family gathering. Many amusing things happened, but the one that sticks with me is what I shall merely call "Why I should never be a father part 964 1.A 1/3" It... um. It's a very long list. Anyway, because of the crowd, a seperate "children's" table was set aside and being *only* 25 years old, I'm apparently still a child. But whatever. It meant more space to spread out and also that we were closer to the food. So I'm good with it. But you'd think after all these years that they would have realized leaving me with the kids would be a terrible idea. Here's how the conversation between myself, my Cousin Matt (17) and Dhalia (10) went.

Me: So, you must be starting to look at colleges. You know what you want to study?
Matt: Well, I'm thinking I'll be a doctor.
Me: So, Pre Med. I know the answer is probably know 'cuz you've got a long way to go, but do you have any idea what form of medicine you'd most want to study?
Matt: Not really. That's something you don't declare for sure until a few years into medschool anyway. So for the time being, I'm just thinking GP.
Me: You haven't thought about it at all? No interest in urology? How about proctology?
Matt: OK, you got me. I thought about it enough not to want to do those.
Me: Well, anyway that's good. Always liked Bio. It's an actual science, you know? Based on observation and analysis rather than abstract mathmatics. Plus the life sciences have all the coolest terms like electrophoresis, virology, acetylsalicylic acid, or amniocentesis.
Dahlia: What's amniocentesis?
*At this point, I have since learned, I was expected to lie and tell my cousin that amniocentesis is candy and rainbows. You know as well as I do that I'm not a very good liar. Main reason being that it rarely even occurs to me that lying is a thing which can be done by me. Lying is for other people. I'm a storyteller, but asked a question...*
Me: Well, Dahlia, it's a process by which amniotic fluid is extracted and tested. Amniotic fluid is what protects and unborn baby, you see. And by testing it, the doctors can get a pretty good idea of whether or not the child will have certain disorders or defects. So it's very useful and quite routine, but it's a little controversial because there are some who think it results in increased rates of abortions and that abortion is inherently bad.
Dahlia: ...
Matt:...
Me:...
Dahlia: I don't get it.
Matt: Good.
Me: Who wants seconds? That delicious, nutrient rich placenta there is looking pretty good.
Matt: Uh. That's polenta.
Me: Dude, trying to gross out the young un's here and you're really cramping my style.
Dahlia: What?
Me: Oh hell, nevermind. You guys want anything while I'm up?

Robin, Miserable and Alone at the Movies: Willow

Have you fine folks ever seen Willow? No? Good. Keep it that way. It’s no secret that to this day, I absolutely adore Dragon Heart. I’ve even got a soft spot for those lame, corny, trippy animated versions of the Hobbit and the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe from the 60s. But shit, son. Dragon Heart was probably the only decent high fantasy movie not based on a book I’ve ever seen. The Hobbit works because it’s so dumb a small child can watch it and be barely cognizant of how it’s different from Looney Tunes. Being familiar with Leonard Nimoy’s Musical career, which includes the absolutely brilliant Ballad of Bilbo Baggins helps a lot.

By contrast, Willow is just plain ill conceived. Where Dragon Heart had good actors, some fun lines, phenomenal effects that hold up to this day, a clear, discernible, logically coherent plot, and only a few minor drops into nonsensical childish “humor” that detracts from a very simple and very touching storyline about an aging and cynical knight having to lead a peasant rebellion against a king who he trained and thus feels responsible for when said king becomes a tyrant, Willow comes at you at 15 cliches a minute. Somehow it still manages to make no sense at all. Let’s be clear, it’s never a good sign if a movie needs one of those text openings to set the scenario. Sure, okay. Terminator did it and was okay. And Star Wars did it and was a huge hit. But usually, that shit’s reserved for Conan the Barbarian. Do you want your movie compared to Conan the Barbarian? I think not. But, oh hey, Willow was made by George Lucas. Perhaps when he realized that Star Wars was not a Space Opera but a fantasy with swords made out of lasers, he figured he could just transplant it whole. Not a good idea. Did I mention the main character is played by the midget who played Wicket, the Ewok? And seriously, the number two villain, General Kael looks like Skeletor. How am I supposed to take that seriously? And you know what? That makes Willow the live action He-Man movie. Starring Orko, that annoying deformed useless gu rather than He-Man. Not a good start, really.

Let’s go through this quick- Fantasy about “little people” who are totally useless and annoying. Okay, so Lucas never hear of Tolkien. Fine. Whatever. Half the cast disappears after act I even though they hadn’t done anything yet. Okay, so you’re just weighing us down. Several other characters, two brownies in particular also stick around the whole movie despite never being useful. For that matter, the entire plot boils down to “Prophesized baby will destroy evil witch-queen.” So the baby is always there and, surprise, never does anything. In fact, Willow destroys the witch-queen in the first and last useful thing he ever does. So what the hell was the movie about? The prophecy was wrong. The child wasn’t special. She didn’t lift a finger. Then, the characters that are there have no real motivation, and they act almost randomly.

Take especially the romance between Madmortigan (played very poorly by Val Kilmer and is still probably the best acting in the movie. Barf) and Sorsha, the evil witch-queen's daughter (and despite my love of red headed swordswomen, Sorsha did nothing for me). Straight from the beginning, they flat out tell you that the Witch-Queen KNOWS that Sorsha will ultimately betray her and movie logic dictates that she will do so for love and not because her mother is a sociopathic, paranoid tyrant who would happily kill her for no good reason. Somewhere around the time Madmortigan says “I don’t love her, she kicked me in the face.” (and she did! One of very few redeeming moments) he realizes it isn’t true, he does lover her. For her part, she just can’t control her hormones anymore and starts making out with him on a battlefield after he totally slaughters all the men under her command. Because nothing says I love you like the warm spray of blood and flying gooey gobits of your right hand man.

But it’s hardly the first random Madmortigan development. He goes from incompetent asshole to superhuman dashing hero in about 3 seconds. And he’s still the best part of the movie. You know how sad that is? And you want to know why? Well, it all comes from the part where he slices three or four guys to ribbons, smiles his roguish smile, then slips on the ice and falls flat on his stupid pretty boy face. To quote Slappy Squirrel, “Now that’s entertainment.” The rest of the movie can go hang.

Query Pride Parade Part II- Sexy Body Text

Okay, so here’s a few hints what I don’t want to see in the main body of your e-mail

1. 12 page play by play summary of the entire book, its back story, or your personal history. I am not your therapist. If I was, I could probably afford to eat on occasion. If you’d like to pay me as your therapist, we can work something out after hours. But ssh, it’s a secret to everybody.
2. Apologies. Stop. I don’t want to hear you apologize for not having 16 best selling books under your belt. Until such a time as we assistants, readers, etc. develop psychic powers and can identify promising authors from the other side of the world with naught but the incredible power of our brains, unsolicited submissions are all part and parcel of the process. And you don’t have to be neurotic or self deprecating to be an author. Although I hear it helps…
3. Stop asking for my permission to send a query. This is the same as apologizing for having sent it. It just creates more work and is kind of annoying. I knew the risks when I got into this game, kid. If you can’t handle it, go home. It’s a dirty job. But someone has to do it. And I figure that someone is me.
4. Insulting agents. Maybe you’re trying some kind of bizarre reverse psychology. “Maybe if I tell them their entire industry is full of useless poopy-heads they’ll hold me and love me and give me candy like my mother never did.” Bad news. That strategy doesn’t work.
5. Begging for help. Okay, folks. Here’s the thing. I can’t take time to give detailed advice to every single writer in the entire world individually. Mostly because I’d rather provide substantial help to authors who already have a solid Manuscript in the works. Also because there are a lot of online resources. Websites. Forums. Blogs. Twitter feeds. And of course, professionally published books and magazines that feature the advice of editors, agents (and their assistants!), professional and aspiring authors with more experience than you’ve got. So for shit’s sake, stop talking and start listening.
6. Other people writing your query. Occasionally, we’ll get queries from publicists etc. Maybe someone else wouldn’t mind. I do. You want to be a writer? Write your own query letter.
7. Ceaseless bragging. Got a query just the other day from someone whose e-mail address was something like “Bestwriterever@aol.com” and who, at the top of their e-mail had a BIIIIIG logo that said the name of the person along with text that read “unparalleled services for budding authors.” Or something similar to that. Note: Their subject line was wrong. Their query was sloppy. Their manuscript sample was MIA. Unparalleled? Really? Boy, I’m glad you were only sending this on behalf of yourself and not someone who might’ve had a chance otherwise. On a related note, please don’t make up your own company and pretend it means something. Would I like to one day be founder, owner and CEO of Crewd Entertainment Inc.? Yes I would. Am I now? No. Does such a company exist? No. Would claiming it does make me look foolish? Yes.
8. Don’t forget your sample! This is not a deal killer, but it is annoying and it wastes time. Just follow the guidelines and include the writing sample. And for god’s sake, copy paste it into the body of the e-mail. I used to sigh and open the attachments even though we ask you not do it that way. But just a few days ago, for the first time since I’ve had this laptop, McAfee had to quarantine a virus because it couldn’t just delete it. So honey moon is over kids. I officially refuse to view attachments accompanying unsolicited work. I didn’t keep my last laptop going for nine years with nothing more than replacing a burned out hard drive by inviting trouble. Regardless of what you may have heard, Danger is not my middle name. My middle name is Eric. Not very exciting, I know. But it’s a good, strong, reliable name. The sort of name that belongs to people who do not beat about the bush (you know, that always sounded vaguely sexual to me…but I digress). And so you know I mean it when I say “stop attaching what you should be pasting.” And for umpteenth time, if you’re an artist, photographer, illustrator, or anything like that and you NEED to show us samples…make yourself a website to serve as your portfolio. It’s not that hard.

Query Pride Parade Part I

Before I even start, yes I know I’m going to hell for that joke. Anyway, obviously it’s been far too long since I’ve rained on any parades (…?) and as there’s been an upswing in crazy queries lately, I thought perhaps a refresher course would be a good idea. If you have any pride in your query, try not to seem like any of the examples I’ll give in the next few days. So lets start with things I don’t want to see in the subject line of your e-mail.

1. No subject. Clearly you’ve studied. And in studying you’d have learned that man is mortal, and therefore his time his limited which is probably why you’re in too much of a rush to write a bloody subject line. So I can clearly delete the query in front of me.
2. Query. That… that’s very helpful. Thank you. I would never have imagined that you’d send a query to a specialized QUERY HANDLING INBOX at a LITERARY AGENCY.
3. Awesomesauce Wants to Connect on Linkedin. Okay, listen up awesome sauce. You are not awesome. Seriously. You’re not. Also, no. We don’t want to connect on Linkedin. For starters, we don’t know you. If we knew you, you’d be sending that invitation to our specific e-mail addresses and not the slush-address, m’kay? Second, we don’t accept Facebook friend invites from cool authors we actually know (well, maybe the boss does IF we represent them. I dunno.) but otherwise it creates this weird conflict of interest. So even people who ARE awesome get turned down. Those who tout their own awesome? That’s a big old delete.
4. A Book For Representation by Joe Shmoe. We’re going in circles here, aren’t we? Who are you, what is your book, why should I care, and yes, thank for reminding me what I do for a living. I’d very nearly forgotten.
5. I needz teh helps!!!!!11 I really hope you weren’t expecting me to disagree. Anyway, I’ll address this next time on Query Pride Parade Part II: More ways to piss off agents who could potentially represent you. Long story short, you want advice, read the blog.

So what DO I want to see in the subject line? It’s very simple. And stated quite clearly on our website. I want this- Query: Format “title.” I want to see Query: PB “Peter Piper in a Pickle.” I want to see Query: YA Fantasy “The Quest for Sex.” Makes things easy for everybody.

Actually, I really want to see that. That book sounds great. Okay peeps, here’s the deal. Next person to send a query that turns Superbad into an urban fantasy (just replace the booze with magical elixirs or love potions or whatever) and title it “The Quest for Sex” gets automatic representation. Not, you know. Not from the agency. Just from me. So it means basically nothing. But you can brag to everyone you know, I suppose. As long as you understand I’m not actually going to try and sell that book to anyone. That I’m more likely to frame it and put a little plaque under it that reads “Authors are puppets and I am the puppet master.” Tell you what though, alls y’all can post what your opening line would be for that book and my favorite wins the February Critique. How’s that? So until next time, remember to put your best foot forward. Having no subject is a lot like cutting off your own foot and then falling the down the stairs in my direction. So you know, don’t do that. And I’d come up with some tortured metaphor for what a stupid subject line is similar to, perhaps something like “spraying me in the eyes with mace and then asking if I can see how beautiful you are” but I won’t. Although I guess I just did. Nerts.

Final Breakdown

So after all that rambling, you might be wondering "Do authors really even need publishers?" Well, technically the answer is no. They've never needed publishers in an absolute sense. And it's easier than ever to make your own way. Does that mean it's actually easy? No. Indeed, I wasn't trying to make the case that publishers weren't necessary. If anything is unnecessary, it's brick and mortar retail. Personally, I feel that in the publishing world, authors need to be the Yang and publishers the Yin. Frankly it's been the other way around for a long time, and ultimately I think the requirements of brick and mortar retail are a big part of that. Never the less, having a publisher is certainly a good thing to have.

Example: You can hire a free lance editor, but the chances of them investing themselves deeply in the project are smaller than a salaried editor whose reputation is only as good as the books they've done that year. Besides, it means paying them from your own pocket.

Example: Self publishing means you keep all the post-production profits, and e-books are the equivalent. No real production cost but a cut to the distributor. Actually, I believe publishers give Amazon etc. a 30% commission per sale which is standard for digital distribution. Self published pay a much larger commission, though which can match the discounts paid to retailers. Plus, waiting for the money to come in slowly with each sale can make it hard to LIVE as a writer. If you have one or two books you want to write, that may be one thing. But advances are extremely useful and it's guaranteed money in your pocket even if your book bombs.

Example: If you're willing to spend a few hundred dollars to get the Adobe creative suite or something, spend lots of time learning how to use it, browsing stock photos, then yes. You can make your own book cover. Hell, I did. And I'm the world's worst artist. That was only a rough, but it works okay. Nice and simple. You can see the title in a thumbnail. Passes my test. But it wasn't easy and I used my grad school's computer lab. I don't have those programs. And that's the fun part. You have no idea how mind numbing internal design is. Futzing with the space between individual letters to make everything fit nice and neat. You either have to hire a freelance designer OR spend ninety million incredibly boring hours doing it yourself.

Example: Marketing, Publicity and Sales want your book to sell. And you can laugh all you want. Marketing budgets are too small. Sales exists to sell into bookstores which I've been saying all along will soon be an anchor around the necks of their owners if they aren't already. I'll give ten to one that within five years B&N would be a much safer and more profitable business if it were online only. Regardless, marketing does all those troublesome things like send promotional copies, take out ads, and develop co-op promotions which big authors rely on. Even small time need sales reps to get stores to carry it, and publicity does at least try to get the word out. You think you're going to get on NPR without them? I mean, not that I've EVER listened to it. Pretty sure publicity departments put a lot of stock in it based on my parent's generation and mine couldn't care less. Doesn't matter.

Why doesn't it matter: Well, here's the final breakdown. Do you need a publisher? No. But I opened this section with Zane and Richard Paul Evans. Both of them were huge self publishing successes stories who got picked up (both by S&S interestingly enough). See, this meant that Zane didn't have to rely solely on selling the books herself on a local basis. It freed her up to do more writing. And eventually to run her own imprint. Presumably it freed Richard Paul Evans to go swimming in his enormous vats of money a la Scrooge McDuck. If it were me, I'd go for the traditional route unless I had a very niche product. On the other hand, the idea of opening a small publisher is actually more appealing every day, and I know at least one classmate who is absolutely set on it and wants me to be partner. Striking your own path is a high risk, high reward sort of scenario, although it is true that sometimes it feels like the fastest way to find a publisher is to prove you don't need 'em. All I can say is look at your manuscript. Be realistic. In general, authors think they're absolutely the best thing ever or the worst thing ever. And they tend to overestimate their audience by leaps and bounds, or perhaps missing the fact that potential audience and actual audience are two very different things. It's not like every black woman reads every Zane novel. That's just not how it works. If after a reasonable analysis, you think there's a good spot for you and you know how to reach it but agents and publishers say "it's good, but I can't", then it's time to seriously consider taking your own path. Alternately, you can try that from the beginning, and once you've already proven yourself you'll be in a better position. In my experience though, the opinions of editors and agents are very divided on this. Some argue it proves that you've got the dedication at least, others think it makes you a problem author with insane expectations and who will chafe under editorial direction. Just FYI.

*Update* For more information about the mechanics of the traditional retail outlet, try Reluctant Capitalists by Laura J. Miller. If you're interested in opening a small publisher of your own, look at Publishing for Profit by Thomas Woll (whose "publishing consultant" business is actually only ten minutes from where I live. Hear that, Tommy? Gimme a job. Pleaaaase? I'll be like, your best friend forever.). And just for shits and giggles, all of you writers, potential self publishers, potential small publishers, and potential one-day-big-time-editors (and that means all of you) should probably check out some books on editing itself , like...uhh. Like Editors on Editing. Can't imaging who wrote that book. Or what it could be about. Doesn't the ambiguousness of the title just give you chills? Do you want to know what editors want? Yes, you do. Yes. You. Do.

Things, Stuff and Such: Strikeout

I had planned to do the conclusion to my little series yesterday about whether or not authors really need publishers, but was unexpectedly detained for the majority of Saturday and Sunday by extended relatives and by the time I finally came home, there were uncomfortably large piles of work waiting for me. So I've taken the coward's way out. I'm just putting up something I wrote years ago for a humor column in a small club newsletter at my undergrad school. A column made by me and only me, forever and ever. Amen. It's Thing's Stuff and Such. So thank you, you stupid, fake holiday for having given me a way out.
***********
Everyone loves lists. David Letterman is famous for lists. Lists are the most famous aspect of Mental Floss. Degrees of Kevin Bacon is like playing a list. Why, I’ve half a mind to compile a list of the most famous lists in the world. Instead, I shall draw inspiration from the world around me and create a list of observations I made last February, Specifically, what guys do to piss off the “chicks.” So allow me to give you seven pieces expert advice* on the subject so this Valentines will go a little better.

Number Seven: My fellow nerds- you need to face facts. If you’re lucky, you emit an aura of let’s-be-friends. If you’re unlucky…well, we all know how that goes. Your only real option is to target nerdy girls. Unfortunately for us, the male: female ratio is somewhat skewed. Allow me to elucidate for our normie brethren. The world of nerd-love is dog eat dog.
Number six: You’re not funny- Puns, dirty jokes. You know. That stuff? Not a turn on. I thought that round of Hang Man I orchestrated where the answer was “I’m Hung!” was a riot. Yeah. They rioted all right. I’m still in traction.
Number five: Too much love to handle- Them there handles you done got there? Them’s mighty big handles. Yes sirree-bob. Regardless of what they say, appearance matters just as much to women.
Number four: Nice guys finish last- All that respecting their feelings stuff? That does not apply so well in college. Relationships come and go pretty quick ‘round these parts. No time for being a sissy. Walk up and say “You. Me. Movies. Wednesday.” ‘Sides, having gold to dig is worth a million flowery poems. Even if you write them specifically for her. That’s the God’s honest.
Number three: You’re a dick- Aggressive good. Obnoxious bad. Aggressive pursuit and maintenance of a relationship is key. That doesn’t mean you can say whatever, and God help you if you don’t call her every other day. Careful though. Call her every day and then you’re clingy.
Number two: Romantic comedies are garbage- I don’t care if you think seeing a chick flick is an easy way to score. You should keep your girl away from movies starring Matthew McConaughey at all costs. It will only give her unreasonable expectations of how you should act.
The number one mistake- No research. I speak in all honesty when I say that in the last few years I’ve asked out two girls with local boyfriends. One with a military boyfriend, and one with a girlfriend. This will teach me to be asocial. We live in the age of Facebook, people. Look her up. Find out what the deal is. Learn a little about her other than that she’s “super hot.” I mean, eventually I began to enjoy having my foot in my mouth, but it’s a taste you’re better off not acquiring. Consequently, for all the lady types who read my gibberish? Nothing kills a conversation with a pacifistic academic faster than “You’re so funny. You sound just like my military BF.” That’s totally cool. And not awkward at all. Assuming she was being clever, I have to give her credit, though. I’ve heard the friend’s speech one too many times. I’ve got it memorized. There’s got to be some pamphlet they give you on how to reject us. I’m on to your conspiracy. I’d follow this up with a list of what women do wrong, but in doing research for this, I came across a startling fact. Women are never ever wrong about anything, but especially in relationships, and your assumption that they can be fallible is the worst thing you could ever do.

Peace and love
(Wink, wink)
RC

*Robin Crew is not an expert in love. He knows no experts in love, and his shriveled, black, soulless heart is incapable of feeling such emotions. As such, he takes no responsibility for your inability to successfully utilize the advice he has given you. Honestly, why the ever loving $%@! Would you listen to him anyway?
**********

Okay, kids. Happy hunting.

The Myriad Evils of Retail Pt.II

So let's go over this one more time. The book cost 25.00 in the store. The publisher sold it for 10.00. Their profit then is 10.00 - 4.00 (production) -1.00 (10% author royalty on gross sales, NOT Retail Price as it used it be)- 2.00-3.00 for additional warehousing, shipping and returns. Now subtract inventory shrinkage in your warehouse, as well as unsold copies (which means you have money spent that you can't use) and that will give you your profit. Maybe as much as a dollar or two per copy sold to cover rent, staff salary, royalty advances, and all other operational expenses. And don't forget that the margin on hard covers is way better than on paperbacks. If it keeps selling it hardcover, they won't even release Paperback versions. Not for years and years. See again: Harry Potter. So who is this good for? The answer is no one. Prices are high for the consumer, but margins are poor for the publisher, which forces them to give inferior royalties to authors they publish while at the same time making anyone who isn't Dan Brown seem even riskier than they should rightly seem.

So here's how I see it. Chain retail, which used to serve a valuable service- namely, a wide selection at low prices- has been beaten beyond recognition by online warehousing which offers the same service, only much better for the consumer, and with a lower rate of returns for the producers(which is not to say Amazon doesn't return things, but not as much). Print on Demand, when actually demanded IS NOT RETURNABLE. E-books, even if returns are allowed, don't cost anything extra. You lose the sale, but not the product. Not to mention how little effort it is to "warehouse" electronic copies. In short, the high cost of operations at retail outlets means they've outlived their usefulness. Do I expect them to all disappear over night? No. But their power is waning, as it has been for some time. There is still some hope for indies, whose service is more about their expertise with X,Y,Z type of books rather than trying to be everything to everyone (and let's face it. You're not going to beat Amazon at being everything to everyone) but retail is hurting. And right now, that's still hurting us as they demand even lower prices from publishers, even more favorable arrangements, but still throw their weight around knowing publishers need them to make big sales.

What I see is a split in modern culture. Between the massive mainstream success of a handful, and the increasing ability and willingness of niche consumers to find each other and products they care about without being explicitly ordered by advertising or retail outlets to buy a specific product, there’s a definite polarization going on. And I think that both poles will continue to exist. There’s a use for the generalists. But think about this- There were all of what? 2 maybe three networks in the 50s and 60s on TV? And now there are hundreds? 15 Spanish channels! BBC America! ESPN 1 for people who like good sports. ESPN 2-20 or however many they have for poker, pool, racing, yachting, the goddamn annual lumberjack competitions. A&E’s Biographies were so popular they had their own channel. Had to cut back like many of them since biographies alone couldn’t sustain a whole channel but… the “classic” TV on Nick at Nite used to be a few hours on Nickelodeon. For easily ten years now it’s been it’s own channel called TV Land. Which is separate from classic movie channels. In the same way that Cartoon Network does contemporary cartoons and Boomerang is filled with Hong Kong Phooey and all that ridiculous Hanna Barbara crap.

And I know you can all say “Ah-ha! But TV-Land has some original programming!” or “Boomerang uses shows originally made 10 years ago on Cartoon Network as its prime time lineup and that’s not really old enough to be ‘classic.’” And you’re right. But here’s the thing. TV production is insanely expensive. Printing books is very cheap by contrast. Which is not to say I’d be willing or able to pay for the printing of a hundred thousand copies of even a cheaply made book out of my own pocket. Even a mass market costs a dollar a piece or some such. But the costs of TV production are far, far higher. And while they may not all have absolute devotion to their niches, the fact that we draw distinctions between ESPN 1 and ESPN 27 is proof that Father Knows Best being our only option is no longer acceptable. We’ve got so many choices we can barely keep track of them, yet, and maybe this is just me, but I feel quite frequently like there are few products, and virtually no companies that are tailor made for me. Hence, I hunt them out. And I absolutely patronize them. Just like Carpe Fulgur sold 110,000 copies of its first project with no ads and no shelf space in stores because Nerds are legion. Hell, at this point, we’re so legion there’s a whole nerd-chic thing going on these days. See for instance: Glee.

From where I’m sitting, examples like Zane say that Publishers are, because of the necessities of retail, ignoring substantial markets because they aren’t “safe” enough. But it looks to me like playing it safe is pretty dangerous. Publishing is in such financial trouble right now because for years they’ve been doing what’s good for retail on the assumption that they can’t live without it. How else can they sell books? I don’t blame retail. It did what made sense for itself. And if Publishing couldn’t find a way to regain some of its power, that’s its own problem. However, retail is weak right now. Publishing can and should be using this as an opportunity and I’m not sure big publishers are. It’s great if they try and reach out to the fans more. Check out tor.com or Baen’s Bar online. But then again, you’ll notice the most interesting outreach are for the most niche products handled by mainstream publishers- SF and fantasy imprints which don’t have the budget for advertising and have to *gasp* create a sense of community with their customers.

But publishers aren’t being adventurous with the stories they print, and I don’t think it’s good for authors or consumers, and keeps the cycle of intense main-stream-best-seller-only focus going. For instance, it’s damn near impossible to get horror published anymore. Why would Simon and Schuster want you when they have Stephen King who pens a new bestseller on alternating Tuesdays? Doesn’t even matter if you’re as good as he is. You could be better, more original. No one cares. Hell, you might as well go to him and ask if he needs a ghost. Sometimes that’s the only way a horror novelist will see print.

Zane was a great example of publishers ignoring an entire market that turned out to be extremely lucrative on the false assumption there were no readers. And S&S was clever enough to pick up on that one, but it meant they were buying high when they could have had it low. And right now, there are struggles going on at every major publisher about whether they should have Hispanic imprints and what the focus should be. They haven’t considered the Asian market yet at all, near as I can tell. That leaves a vacuum to be filled by entrepreneurs, self published or start ups. Again, I’m not criticizing publishing as a whole. This is, as far as I’m concerned an essentially inevitable consequence of changing markets, lower startup costs, and my dear friend TEH INTERNETS. All’s I’m saying, is that although it’s a scary time for anyone who wants to “play it safe” (which includes me, actually) it’s a golden opportunity for people who aren’t quite as gutless as I am.

The Myriad Evils of Retail Pt. I

Before I explain why I hate the very concept of standard, brick and mortar retail stores, especially large chains, I should preface this by saying that they used to be fine. Not that they've changed all that rapidly or anything. Or even all that much. It's everything else that's changed. They're middle men. Time was, that was a valuable service that justified the rest of it. Chains no longer provide any service worth mentioning, and the taste-making services of indies are in doubt. In both cases, the reason has a lot to do with TEH INTERNETS. I think you'll see what I mean when I'm done.

Evil #1: Undue influence on the production of the product. This is true in many industries, but I know the details best in books. For example, if Barnes and Noble doesn't like your cover, regardless of the fact that the editor, author, lead designer all think it's great and accurately represent the book, you're stuck. B&N purchasing execs literally just go through a list of covers and say "yes, no, no, no, yes, yes, yes." If they say no, it means they will not carry any product with that cover, forcing additional costs to the publisher (hiring a freelancer for a week to make a few new mock covers can cost a few thousand dollars. It's less for inhouse staff, but you're still spending the time and money twice).

Evil #2: Discounts. Not sure how to break this to you guys, but running a store is supr expensive. There's a 3 story B&N on 5th Avenue in NYC. I shudder to think what that space cost them in an area where a studio apartment the size of a closet runs two or three thousand smackers a month. Consequently, they need to sell at biiiiiig profits. If you're one of the biggest publishers, you're selling at probably a 50% discount to indies. To big ol' chains like Borders or Walden books, 55% or 60% is more likely. Niche publisher selling to a chain? Maybe 70%. So that 25 dollar hardcover, which costs four dollars a piece to produce PLUS overhead (i.e. the salary of your staff, plus author royalties, plus returns, plus warehousing etc.) is actually sold to the bookstore for $10.00. Lot of people have seen how quickly book prices have risen in the last twenty years and think publishers are greedy. Truth is, even with *some* books selling in numbers that seemed unimaginable in the recent past, margins are slimmer than ever. Again, I don't really fault retail for this as such. It's probably not even fair to call this evil. It's necessary for their own business. And historically, without them you'd never get the books to the readers. it doesn't seem necessary anymore. Digital distribution would get around it entirely. Online warehousing surely buys at similar discounts, but is less likely to return books. And you'll note the margins are better. Go ahead and look up any book you want, first on Amazon then on B&N.com. Amazon is pretty much always a few dollars cheaper because warehouses are cheaper to run than stores. B&N could match it, but then they'd undercut their retail outlets which they are loathe to do. If the market shifted even more towards online warehouses and digital distribution, at the very least prices come down and spur sells. Best case scenario, the margin per book would increase too.

Evil #3: Return policies. This is the big problem, and the place where digital copies and online warehouses present such a huge advantage to publishers over retail outlets. See, starting in the 70s as chain bookstores got to be very big and successful, they began to implement automated ordering systems. Their aim was to keep on hand only what they were sure they could sell, and quickly based on data gathered from that item and similar items in the past. What this means is that modern stores of many sorts, not just bookstores, order, return, re-order, re-return and re-re-order before they've even paid for it the first damn time. It creates a logistical nightmare for shipping and warehousing, adding costs on both sides (but usually more for the manufacturer/distributor/whatever than the retailer- chains act like they're doing you a favor by carrying your product. And until recently, they were probably right, and depending on the product they still might be). It also reinforces homogenization. This is why some books have sucess you never would have seen 20 years ago while many other books have been completely lost in the crowd. Even very good ones. For instance, what if your book is sort of timeless? Never hits best seller, but it's selling slow and steady for months, and even years? Well, don't expect chains to support that. You're gone immediately. What if it's a good book but aimed at a target audience that usually doesn't follow new releases? Genre fiction for instance. My eyes nearly popped out the first time I ever saw a Sci-Fi novel in hardcover prominently displayed in a bookstore's "New" section. Goodness. The very idea of a hardcover SF is mind boggling. Speaking from experience, that audience follows authors if they follow anything. Also speaking from experience, they get the short end of the stick- In the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section there will be 3 shelves of LoTR, then one shelf worth of all the classic names- Asimov, Dick, Leguin, Adams, Clarke, what have you. Then there will be case after case of sexy witches and handsome brooding vampires. Unless you love trends, you're not well served by chain bookstores. Neither of course are mid-list or small time authors, niche and indie publishers, and even specialist imprints of larger ones. But here's the thing. Returns suck for every industry and this is more and more often the model. So I don't want to make it sound like Len Reggio is the devil. He's not. But it IS true that Book Publishing in the US is saddled with what is quite possibly the worst returns policy of any industry, anywhere, ever.

Legend has it, it goes back to the great depression. Not only can bookstores return pretty much anything at any time for any reason, and not only is the majority of the burden on the publisher, books also have to deal with a loss most industries don't. Okay, hardcovers can be damaged. May need to be tossed. Maybe need a new jacket. But that's par for the course for any industries' returned items. Trade paperbacks and mass markets? Bookstores PULP THEM and send back THE COVER IN A GIANT STACK OF COVERS. So not only do the publishers lose the sale if it's returned, they lose the product, which means the money they spent producing it? Might as well have been thrown in a giant flaming hole in the ground. Go ahead and look at some of your papebacks. Probably on the page with the CIP data and whatever there will be a note that will read something like "If you bought this book without a cover, it was reported destroyed to the publisher." So now you know what that means. That means they bought it, got their money back without returning the product, and sold it to you anyway. In other words, not only is it the only industry that doesn't get it's product back when it is "returned" there's a built in and easily exploitable method of piracy. The simple truth is that if you have a 50% return rate, you're not doing too badly.

PPB in the era of POD

I was actually not planning to talk about this at all originally, thinking that it was sort of remedial. But in talking to some people I know it would seem that it isn't. Like almost any profession or hobby, there is a lingo and a basic set of knowledge that seems sort of obvious to the people involved in it but is not obvious at all to those on the outside. I barely know the difference between regular pliers and needle nose pliers, so I could hardly fault an electrician for not making the same distinctions I would make when it comes to book production. And I'd hope the folks in production are as lenient on those in other departments. Probably. For whatever reason, even though production departments- that means text layout, cover design, copy editing, picking paper and ink- despite being the most boring job in the industry in my humble opinion it is frequently home to some very cool people.

Regardless, I'd like to address a few of the common misconceptions and lapses in knowledge that could be useful to all of you as authors and book enthusiasts, and would be vital to self publishers and startup publishers.

1: Publishers and printers are not the same thing. Not even close. Publishers do all those things like editing. Marketing. Design. Paying the author. Printers print. That's what they do. That is all they do most of the time. Publishers, at least of books, do not own the printers. They do not have divisions that do their printing. At least, none that I know of. I suppose they COULD, but it just isn't really worth it.
2: Printing is expensive. Traditional publishing likes to have books guaranteed to sell well because, among other things, you get sizable discounts on your variable costs (paper, ink etc.)once you cross a certain threshold. Traditional printing methods have high starting costs, what are known as fixed, make ready or plant costs. Namely, this means the creation of specialized plates and preparing the machinery which is labor intensive- so just to start the print run costs a few thousand dollars. However, the price per unit is much more attractive this way than POD.
3: What's the difference between traditional printing and POD? Traditional printing works by running a set of pages all at once, over and over. For adult books, they'd love to do it in 64, but the chances are they run it in 32. Pick out any book on your shelf that wasn't POD. I can pretty much guarantee that will have a page count that is a multiple of 32- in fact, look around. Maybe you've got some books that have a few blank pages that you never saw a purpose to. That's filling space to make it a multiple of 32. Sometimes extra features like an author's note or a preview of the next book or, (God forbid) back-of-book ads are literally just there to take up space. What happens is that on one giant sheet, they print all of those pages at once, then sort of fold it over to create a "leaf." They print as many as they want, move on to the next and just stick them all together at the end. It sounds complicated to set up, but the speed with which presses can churn out a leaf is staggering. POD by contrast works like the printer you have at home or in the office. It prints page 1-whatever IN ORDER. It's much simpler to keep track of and bind, but it's a slower process. Sort of. Because of the lack of make-ready procedures, it's far faster for short print runs.
4: What's the difference in cost and why use one over the other? Traditional printing requires large sums of money up front to pay for make ready costs as well as paper and ink etc. It offers a far lower cost per unit however, and because of the demands of the retail landscape, you need large quantities at low costs for major commercial products. POD on the other hand has high per unit costs, but requires nothing up front. You only pay anything to the printer when someone orders copies. Larger publishers will sometimes use POD for reprints, or more commonly to bridge a gap between two major print runs if a book is selling like hotcakes and they don't want it to suddenly, even if only temporarily disappear from the market. They still treat it a lot like traditional printing though and order 2,500 copies or however many they need for themselves. If you're a self published author or you're looking to start your own niche publisher or whatever, the beauty of the situation is that it really cuts down the need for your own warehousing. You can certainly order X number of copies for yourself to have on hand, but it's also possible to have it all go through the POD printer. So you don't pay for any paper and ink that doesn't get used. You don't pay anything for warehousing, and POD is generally non-returnable. There is sort of a work around for the consumer. Buying a POD product from Amazon for instance. Pretty sure Amazon buys it on your behalf but lets you return it to them. Pretty sure it's Amazon that eats the cost of that. Ain't customer service grand? Regardless, it removes a lot of risk and lowers barriers to entry for a new niche publisher, but if it might sell 10,000 copies, it still ends up a calculated risk.
5: Is printing POD hard? Um. No. When my brother got married a few years ago, he and his wife made 3 or 4 photo books tailored to different branches of the family, printed a couple copies of each POD. They're actually really nice, and the only difficulty putting them together was the picture-picking process, not the layout. That sort of thing isn't even hard to put together. If anyone's interested, I could even find out which service he used to do it. At the same time, most people don't notice a well designed book, only a poorly designed one. Sure, a designer my start seizing violently when presented with a book written in 12 pt Times New Roman (or 11 pt Callibri) but most people barely notice. They might think "Hey, this text is a little big." but that's about it. So between the simplicity and the average person not viewing a novel as a work of art in the purely spatial-physical sense, normal people can now effectively create decent looking books on their own. It still takes some time and you do have to learn the ropes, especially if you want it to look GOOD, but it's an option now you didn't have before- at least not without spending tons of money.
6: Color printing is done mostly overseas. I won't go much further than that. Just know that if you're looking to do traditional printing for an art book- do it overseas. Hong Kong is a popular place to do it. Or used to be, anyway. These days, I think it's mostly mainland China. That's pretty vital for picture books and things. Color POD is hella expensive. Those photo albums my brother custom made? Like sixty bucks a piece. It's already hard to make a profit in publishing, and it gets really tough when your project requires high quality paper and four color printing. Doing it POD in America is a guaranteed way to ensure that your profitability is nil.
7: Just to touch on it, although this probably only matters to budding designers and production folk- there are two common designations for color. One is RGB- Red Green Blue. This is the sort of color PROJECTED as by a monitor or television. Printing works by REFLECTING colors and they're measured in CMYK (Cyan, Magenta, Yellow, Black). Suffice to say if you ever find yourself designing a book, this matters A LOT to traditional printing, and even in POD you need to be aware that the colors don't translate perfectly. Professional designers frequently have several monitors set with different tones etc. to try and get a more accurate interpretation and you better believe that someone will fly out to the printer- no matter where they are to help adjust the colors as needed. One professor told me a horror story about a poorly adjusted photo in a bird encyclopedia that made it look like some other bird entirely and they had the Audubon society up their butts forever about it.

The P word

Something about the delicate sensibilities of many serious folks, especially those with things that they feel are important and must be said, causes us to think that promoting ideas is somehow bad, or unsporting or backwards. People should simply flock to good ideas and shun bad ones because of their inherent value and NOT how attractively they are packaged or how frequently they are repeated. And maybe that's true. Maybe people should have better filters. Doesn't matter how attractive Fox News' female anchor types are. It's still bullshit. But you know what? They make a ton and a half of money. In fact, for better or for worse I'd contend that the Republican Party in America runs ENTIRELY on the myth that they are down trodden, unrepresented under dogs. Now, I hate pretty much everything they say but that is some very clever branding right there. But let me step back from my "pinko commie traitor" sensibilities. The P word in question isn't politics but promotion. Eh. Same difference.

See, I think many of us live in an ideal world where good ideas are magic psychic magnets and people are inevitably attracted to them by the very forces of nature. This is not true. We do not live in a world like that. And your great ideas are likely to fall on deaf ears if you don't promote. That's assuming they fall on any ears at all. For instance, my being a lazy shit and never so much as mentioning this blog to my friends is why no one reads it. See that works? Promoting gets readers. Not promoting gets not-readers.

If you're looking to be an author, there's something you have to know. Especially if you're going to be even on the slightly lucrative side of mid-list. You'll be expected to promote yourself and quite possibly others. A lot. And these days, it falls more and more on the shoulders of the author themselves to arrange it. Sure, your publisher will send books hither and yon to garner review quotes from other authors and from newspapers and whatnot. But you want a book tour? That's all you, baby. Unless you're James Patterson, they are not flying you anywhere. The most they'll do is, when you say "hey, I'm planning to visit relatives out by such-and-such." they might make a few phone calls and try and arrange an interview with local radio or something. Author websites and/or facebook pages and/or twitter and/or blog is pretty much required at this point. Guess what? That's also you. Honestly? I started this blog to "practice" in case I ever became an author, or as, say, an agent or an editor needed to be able to give my authors some assistance. That's why I never expected even to have the readership I've got. If you're not already used to the idea of tweeting or blogging or SOMETHING, get cracking.

So here's a good example for you. I don't read nearly as much SF and Fantasy as I used to, but I still read Peter David. Maybe you've never heard of him, but he is actually a master of self promotion. How he manages it when he's so damn prolific is beyond me, but in certain circles he's a God. And considering his Tim-Burton like reputation for being a loose cannon, his ability to get twice as much work as even he could reasonably do is a sure sign that his books sell and his names carry weight. So why is that?

1) He writes for every damn medium ever. His best works in my opinion are his original novels like Sir Apropos of Nothing or Knight Life but he has also written a bajillion comic books, dozens of licensed novels, SF TV shows and movies, and at least one video game.
2) He's got a very sucessful blog. Feel free to examine it. Many of his posts get enormous feedback. It updates virtually everyday. If he has nothing new to say, he posts from his legendary "But I digress" opinion column from the Comic Book Buyer's Guide. Which is odd in itself since they've been collected and published elsewhere and he's just giving it away. Also, he keeps himself in the loop with the conversations.
3) He's just clever as hell. You may never have heard of an author writing a book on behalf of a punk rock band. David has. You may not expect him to appear in their music videos, but David did. And it's not the first time he's wrangled himself some cameos. It actually becomes sort of an Easter Egg for his fans to see if he shows up in something he was involved in making. Pretty sure in one B Rated movie he rushes into a scene and gets immediately killed and it was literally just there for the tradition of Peter David Cameos.
4) Non-stop tour of comic, gaming and fantasy conventions. About the only thing that kept me on my feet at the NY Comicon was the idea of seeing him. Which I didn't. Apparently some of my friends did and their response was "Hey you were right. He's really cool. I always thought he was some tosser but he's actually pretty awesome." This did not lighten my mood but whatevs.
5) David publishes different things with different people. He's got books with, to name a few, Ace, Pocket, TOR, Del-Ray and whoever publishes Marvel's movie adaptations because he writes all of those. It might strike you that being THE BEST LICENSED NOVELIST EVER is a lot like saying I AM THE BEST AT SMASHING MY OWN TEETH IN WITH A FIRE EXTINGUISHER FOR ATTENTION but may I just say...it works? 'Cuz they're quick, lucrative projects he needs to continue to live as a writer and it keeps his name in circulation.

Okay. Well. That was ramble-y. But oh wells. I had other things to say but talked too long already. It's just not a good morning. Anyway, join me again next time for a continued examination of the current landscape for various media entrepreneurs such as authors and startup publishers in different mediums.

Carpe Fulgur and the Purple Cow: Capitalism ho! Part II

Okay, so I know I said I'd do this yesterday, but... shutup. At one point I was trying to put everything in a Monday-Wednesday-Friday update schedule, or possibly even Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday. Obviously that didn't pan out but I've come to really enjoy this whole "I'll post when I damn well please scenario." In reality, it probably means nothing since the handful of readers I have all follow the blog and are informed when I update. Even so, it gives me enormous satisfaction to imagine that there are people angrily stomping their feet and saying "where's my daily Crewd?" All dickery aside, here's the promised part II explanation of Carpe Fulgur's astonishing 110,000+ selling first project.

3. Digital Distribution. I'll go into more detail hopefully later this week about why traditional retail is, if not inherently evil (although it might BE evil at this point, I don't think that's inherent), it is at least unecessary and indeed damaging to some products. For purposes here, suffice to say that choosing to release Recettear only as a download resulted in several things including but possibly not limited to
A) Limiting risk. Since there is no per copy production cost, warehousing, shipping, or cost of returns beyond lost sales (normally returns add warehousing and shipping costs) a startup like Carpe Fulgur was able to meet an unexpectedly huge demand INSTANTLY and without having to allocate ANY MONEY AT ALL to the production of the item. In short, their only expenses were their own time.
B) It simplifies the amount of work they have to do. For one, they didn't have to attempt to contract any warehousing companies or attempt to ship stacks of the game from their basement. It also meant they didn't need to find a company to professionally burn the discs or print up flashy boxes, or glossy instructional manuals. They didn't need to convince major retailers like Gamestop to carry their product. Frankly, they'd probably have been laughed out of town anyway, and since Gamestop bought pretty much every other major software retailer, inclduing Electronic's Boutique, Software Etc. Babbages and CompUSA, and if memory serves, is owned in turn by Walmart, their refusal would've killed the project instantly. Even if it had survived, good luck trying to get indepently owned software and gaming stores to pick up on it. You have a lot of ground to cover there. Big companies would use sales reps for that sort of thing. Startups may not have that kind of dough. Or those connections.
C) Because of the difference in production costs and the smaller cut digital distributors such as Steam take when compared to the massive discounts copies are sold to retailers for, Carpe Fulgur was able to effectively charge less and maintain better margins. Likely as not, they actually made more money per copy, but I'm not privy to their accounts so I can only say for sure that their margins were a whole lot better. In other words- similar profits with virtually no risk. Great for the customer too, obviously. In retail, the game probably would've been 29.99. Online it was 19.99. I got it during the holiday sale for 10. I've played for 40 hours and I can guarantee I'll play it for another forty before I forget I own it or stop caring entirely. That's a pretty damn good deal. Consider this- a movie ticket round these parts is 15 for two hours of entertainment. So for the equivalent of 80 hours, movies would run me 600 bucks. That's a lot of entertainment for such a small investment. That'll spur sales, sure as shit.

4. Carpe Fulgur also promoted the ever loving FUCK out of that game. And let this be a lesson to you: it doesn't if you're good if no one knows it. You can't expect people to find you- at least not in large numbers. But thanks to the all mighty internet, finding interested parties isn't as hard as you would think. Carpe Fulgur made a non-stop circuit of interviews on all sorts of gaming websites- mostly these are non-profit fan run organizations which are and have been for sometime, of far more use especially to niche audiences than traditional gaming magazines. They also, just as an example, released a demo of the game. Most products don't do that sort of thing. Books are just beggining to put out sample chapters as e-books because they can do that now without it really costing any money to produce. However, game demos, like some sample chapters, are short, out of context, possibly an early version that will change. It's not really that good. And yes, it can catch interest and I see no reason NOT to release a sample, but the number of sales it translates into is usually...well, worthwhile but hardly overwhelming. Carpe Fulgur released a demo that was 2 hours long. Using the actual opening of the actual game, going so far as to allow the player to save and transfer the file to the finished version.

For more information, feel free to check out this article. Meantime, I think my focus will be on the importance as well as methods of self promotion next time, then on to matters of production and retail.

Oh, and in case anyone missed it, "Capitalism ho!" is the catchphrase of the main character (an adorable little girl) of Recettear, Carpe Fulgurs first game. The purple cow refers to Seth Godin- marketing Guru. I thought he'd be a good fit considering this old thing, which frankly, I'm a little surprised it took him as long as it did to announce.

Carpe Fulgur and the Purple Cow: Capitalism Ho! Part I

So today I'd like to talk about something a little bit different. I don't want any of you to freak out or think that the lessons here don't apply just because it's a slightly different form of publishing than you're used to. That is, I'd like to talk about Carpe Fulgur, a brand new, start up publisher of video games that sold over 100,000 copies of its very first project between September and December alone. To put this in perspective the average book sells less than 10,000 over the entire course of it's "initial sales period" of a year. So how did they do it? And can you, if you want to, do something similar?

1: Finding the product.
Carpe Fulgur started with just two guys and eventually became a three person operation. They're not rolling in money, have no corporate sponsors and didn't even live on the same side of the country when they started out. Since they didn't have the resources to develop a game (or write it, if you will) they chose instead to translate one. To this effect they found a company in Japan called Easy Game Station. While larger publishers and developers would either laugh them out of town or demand more money than a startup without corporate backing could pay, EGS had never had a game released outside Japan before and was willing to deal, and for a reasonable amount of money. And after that first success, you better believe Carpe Fulgur will get a better deal next time around. You might be surprised at how easy it might be to do something like that. I dunno. Maybe you're literate in Russian. What's to stop you from striking up deals with Russian publishers or agents or even the authors directly to translate their books? The answer is nothing. Translation is just one example of under-served markets- because small companies see a lot of work and big companies see mediocre sales. But who knows? Maybe you love Magical realism. That's an exclusively Latin American genre. You're fluent in Spanish and familiar with multiple national dialects. Why not approach the publishers and say "I'll give you a cut and you'll finally have a release in [insert territories you can reach]

2: Nicheness to the rescue. The game Carpe Fulgur released is an RPG. I know many of you don't know or actively dislike video games, so let me give you the short definition. RPGs tend to be:
A) text heavy
B) have battle systems that focus largely or exclusively on preperation and strategy rather than on the manual dexterity of pushing the proper buttons at the right time
C) Fantasy and Sci-fi settings, and often associated with cutesy graphics.

Consequently, although they're very popular in places like Japan and Korea, most Americans find them to be indescribably boring. And all three of the hallmarks are present in Recettear, a game about a little girl (Recette) and a fairy (Tear) who open an item shop in a generic high-fantasy world in order to pay back her MIA adventurer father's debts (Her catch phrase, naturally, is "Capitalism ho!") What you probably can't see from just this explanation is the fact that RPG players are extremely well connected with one another. While video games on the whole have become mainstream, the RPG has not. It's sort of the last bastion of the ultra nerdy, and they cling together for the safety that numbers provides. They also eagerly support any company willing to take the risk of lackluster business associated with serving such a small portion of the market. Carpe Fulgur gets double points because they're not only producing what that community wanted, but they get to honestly say "we're just a couple of guys like you." Yes, one of their names is Robin. No, it isn't me. Yes, it'd be cool if it was. The point is, even my beloved Atlus well known for its niche focus, endless promotions, pre-order bonuses, customer appeal and it's easy availibility to reviewers and journalists is, despite being an awesome company who set standards far above average (and yes, I'm proud to say I was a fanboy long before they became popular even amongst their niche audience) is still a big, essentially faceless company. Hell, they even poke fun of that by having many of their newsletters attributed to an evil super computer (marketing?). Carpe Fulgur is legitimately tiny. They know it. Their customers know it. Their customers want them to survive. And a tight, symbiotic relationship is formed.

Well, since this is getting long (and yesterday's was insanely long) I'll save the rest of this (namely, promotional efforts and distribution methods) for tommorow. Look forward to it.

Self publishing success

Before I get started, I wanted to mention one thing. I've had cause recently to think back to when I was new to agent assistantry when each new query was a grand adventure into absurdia. These days, I've seen virtually everything. Even if I haven't seen it ten times before, the odds of it making an impression as unusual in any way- good, bad, weird etc. are slim. If the cause of these recollections is reading, yes. I've even seen that geographical coordinate thing (very likely the same author, actually). But a query came just yesterday I believe that made me smile. It opens:

Dear Messrs. McVeigh and Crew:


I am contacting you regarding representation for my novel [title removed to protect anonymity], complete at a little over 75,000 words, because Mark is bald and Robin has a blog that is, in its own way, subversive. Professionalism without austerity.

My first thought: "Holy shit. I had no idea I was professional or subversive. But considering I take it as a compliment, maybe I am." My second thought: "Shortest author bio ever- either 'I am a bald subversive' or 'I like bald subversives'. Neat-o."

On to more significant matters- the promised first post in a series about media entrepreneurship. And there's actually no better place to start than with the idea of self publishing authors. Now, I'm sure all of you have heard or felt at one time or another that self publishing is "vanity" publishing and that there is little to nothing worth rescuing from that garbage. This may or may not be true on the whole, but it ignores a lot of other plain and simple truths. For one, self publishing used to be very common. If it was good enough for Poe, it's good enough for you. And of course, there are plenty of times when there was gold to be mined and the powers that be completely missed out.

Here's a fun one, the emergence of the keitai novelists in Japan. Seriously, read that article because it's a hoot. And although that 15 year old girl (now 16, I guess) was writing books that sounded truly awful, she sold over 100,000 copies by this time last year. How many books have any of us sold? Or closer to home you have examples like Richard Paul Evans. He only ever writes "christmas" books and they don't seem terribly interesting to me. But he self published to give the thing away as gifts and wound up becoming a bestseller in hardcover and paperback at the same time which NEVER happens. Even he didn't realize what a product he had.

These aren't my favorite examples though because neither was really intentional. So I'd much rather talk about Zane. Haven't heard of her? Neither had I until a few years ago. What she writes isn't really my thing. But here's what you need to know, apart from her having only one name. Because of her own life and tastes she noticed a big gap in the book market. There were no romance novels for black women. So she started writing online and developed a following. Of black women. In like, 1998. Those dark and terrible days when the tech savvy boasted about having a second phone line for their 56K. I mean, it was the dark ages. How she pulled that off is beyond me. But she did. So she started to self publish and sell them herself. Before long, she was getting six figure deals from Simon and Schuster (who also do Richard Paul Evan's books, coincidentally), then she had her own imprint there and was directing and producing her own TV specials for...cinemax, if memory serves.

Why does this matter? Well, either the entirety of publishing had it's head so far up its ass that the idea of black romance had never ever occurred to anyone and they'd never been pitched anything like it- which I don't believe for a second- or they casually dismissed it as a genre that was either too small or too difficult to reach to justify bothering with. So in comes Zane and becomes synonymous with the genre itself. Now, I still don't want to read her books, but it's no joke to say that every black romance has one of the following three connections to her-

1- She wrote it
2- She runs the imprint which published it
3- She inspired it

See, publishers can make mistakes too. They misjudged the size or tenacity of that audience. For reasons I'll explain later, probably next week, this has a lot to do with retail models and pressure to produce nothing but guaranteed best sellers. But whether you want to see them as well intentioned but trapped in a corner, or clueless and outdated this is just one example of how there are markets not being served to their fullest. And to be clear: you don't have to be Zane to be successful. The market can exist and simply be under-served. A smaller company can pull a profit worth their time from 10,000 copies compared to S&S's need to sell 50,000. A self publisher could sell 1,000 copies and have made a difference. It wasn't so long ago that I got a query from an author who wrote an extremely detailed how to manual for model train do-it-yourselfers. How many of those are there? I've met one model train guy in all my life and I'm pretty sure he has neither the time nor the money nor the desire to build custom engines from scratch. But this author sold 1,000 copies or some such to railroad museums and hobby shops. The only part where he fell down is thinking that publishers were going to be able to sell it any better than he was already doing himself. But his product was so unique that while 1,000 copies may not have made him a ton of money, he filled an invaluable gap for those people. One I can honestly say I'd never have thought of.

So here's your mission if you should choose to accept it- think about your hobbies, or your education or even those around you and try to identify some unusual skillset or knowledge base and ask yourself if there's a an audience for that. Because I guarantee you there is. The first Sci-fi magazines in America had subscriber bases in the hundreds and the readers were spread so thin you could go for miles without finding another one. But over time, people have become more connected, especially these days due to the internet. You could go to a damn Sci-fi, gaming, or comic convention every weekend all year round if you had the resources. Because geeks nerds and losers have found each other. It's exactly what Zane did but she pulled it off singehandedly. You'd be surprised at what there's a market for. The short answer is EVERYTHING. And while they used to be largely irrelevant because they were too hard to reach THAT ISN'T TRUE ANYMORE.

Next time I'll go into detail on a case I find particularly interesting about a recently released niche product and how they used its very niche-ness to propel it to massive commercial success.

Eras are pretty short these days

I have a good friend who goes to the same publishing program I went to. Back in Venezuela where he's from, he's an old hand at the process and up here he's been working as a translator. He's trying to convince me to go into business with him. You know what's stopping us from opening our own publishing house? Well, other than the fact that he needs sponsorship to eventually become a citizen? You'd think we'd be afraid of failure. I mean, I'm pretty gutless. But he said something I can't really argue with. He said "It's easier to make our own business than find another one willing to pay us."

Publishing's a tough gig. Not that life is easy in general, especially in the current climate. You know I still get e-mails from a temp agency I worked through years ago? I saw one posting not long ago- 10 years experience, MBA required, bilingual executive assistant starting at 40K. In New York (or Connecticut where that company is) 40K is nothing. You know what an apartment costs in NYC, Westchester, Putnam, or Fairfield counties (that is, anywhere within 2 hours of NYC). I wanted to laugh when I saw that. Who, with 10 years prior experience as an executive assistant, and with those credentials would work for a company that paid so little and had a list of duties a mile long- and most of them far beneath anyone who qualified for that position? But that's where were are today. And publishing was always like that.

You know, recently the Rejectionist quit her job. I'm assuming (given who my readers are and that I've linked her before) that all's y'all know about the Rejectionist? Well, she detailed how hard it was for her to find that job in the first place (Listen, if you don't want it, I could use a full time gig) but that it was holding her back from pursuing her own dream. This is sort of like a kick in the nuts to yours truly. See, I'm an academic born and bred. I'm accustomed to strategizing but not having to be there when shit goes down. I love digital distribution but I don't own an e-reader yet. That sort of thing. Really, I love the IDEA of digital distribution. Hell, my thesis at the publishing program was all about how the industry is polarized and becoming moreso everyday. Random House won't print if it won't sell 50,000 copies in the first year, but thanks to various technology such as print on demand, or online publicity startup costs are lower than ever and potential audience for niche products are easier to reach than ever. I made the case that while Harper Collins isn't likely to fold, we're entering an era in which small specialists are on the rise and taking market share back from enormous generalists.

Honestly, I think that's good for the consumer. At the same time, I'm a rabid consumer of media in all its forms. The whole point of mass media is to reach a mass audience. It's the same reason I roll my eyes at ultra high-end literary fiction that assumes if you don't like it that you must be an ill bred country idiot. Why write if no one reads? Or more accurately, since writing is a fine hobby... why publish if no one reads? So you see, I have a bizarre conundrum. On the one hand, I salute entrepreneurs for their kutzpah and simultaneously scratch my head and wonder what they think they'll accomplish. Because of a confluence of events including but not limited to the Rejectionist's resignations and the currently-still-theoretical discussions I have with my Venezuelan compadre I think it's the perfect time to go back through some of my thoughts on the subject and share them with you. So for the next week or so, I'll be highlighting cases of successful media entrepreneurship. As a warm up, check out Gary Vaynerchuk here who I cited in my thesis (or as I call him Gary Wine-and-Chops.)

Robin's Reviews: Monkeying Around Pt. II

So, I'm not going to call them rapid anymore. They always end up longer than I intended (I really need to go back to writing these in Word ahead of time so's I can edit them before they go up) and this one doesn't even have the excuse of two reviews at once. Even so, this may be my shortest review yet.

The book-
The Ramayana: A Shortened Modern Prose Version of the Indian Epic by R.K. Narayan

The Review-
Don't read it.

You say that's not a review? Okay, fine, but don't blame me if this gets wordy. Although they've shortened an enormous epic into about 160 pages, it's just not very interesting. Even as an amateur folklorist I sort of yawned my way through. See, from the moment of his birth, Rama, an avatar of the preserver god Vishnu is basically Ancient Indian Superman. He's calm and wise and handsome and completely invincible and everybody loves him. Nothing is a challenge for him, which makes it hard to relate. The main story doesn't really kick in until half way through and it should have been solved instantly, but the ONLY mistake Rama ever makes drags the story out for a hundred more pages. Meanwhile, I find him to be a huge jerk. He lets his wife get kidnapped by a nearly omnipotent demon who's got the hots for her and then accuses her of being unfaithful to him months later when he finally gets off his ass and rescues her. What a guy. Mr. Perfect Justice over there who everyone loves. Did I mention he murders, in a very cowardly way, I might add, the rightful ruler of this kingdom of intelligent, magical monkies in order to install a puppet ruler to gain allies he doesn't even need but who march to the death on his behalf because he and his brother kick down their doors and threaten them if they don't help? Yeah. All that stuff about how kind and wonderful he is wears a little thin when this sort of thing happens. Indeed, the only good to come out of any of that was Hanuman, one of those Monkies. He's hilarious. He gets sent on a scouting mission, gets captured, and they try and light him on fire but he escapes and burns the entire demon city to the ground. Oh, and what was Rama doing? Pining. Hanuman for the win! Also: Hanuman was very directly the inspiration for Sun Wukong, the monkey in Journey to the West.

Also, without going into the whole of Hindu mythology, you've probably heard of the basic three gods of their pantheon. Brahma is the creator, but he's seen as a well intentioned idiot and isn't actually very important in their mythos. The real powers are Vishnu, the preserver, and Shiva, the destroyer. That might sound like Shiva is the "evil" one but in actuality he's more like the personification of entropy. And since they see the world as horribly flawed, it needs to be broken down piece by piece, examined, and then the gods can try it again. So it's a vital function. The whole epic is basically a propoganda piece for the cult Vishnu though, so it's basically spitting in Shiva's face every three sentences. I'm not cool with that because frankly, Shiva's more interesting. Did you know that his most devout supporters are young women? Or that one of is symbols is very phallic looking and that those some young women will climb ladders and pour buckets of milk over twenty foot high stone statues of said symbol? Also he has blue skin and dances the dance OF DOOM. I think that would've made a better story, don't you?

Anyway, join me next time for the start of a series I've been meaning to do for a while about Media entrepreneurship.