A few choice titles and subject lines from recent queries.
“MG Non-Fiction Juvenile/Parenting.” First thought: I knew kids were growing up fast these days, but do we need a parenting guide written for 10 year olds?
“Jesus Loves Tea Parties Too.” Seriously. Stop laughing. Then read it again. Resume laughing. Personally, I’m holding out for the sequel “Jesus Hates Pinko Commie Traitors.”
“How to be a Fairy.” No comment. Or more accurately, I have no comment that would be acceptable in polite company.
“PB Boo-Bah and the Sugarey Mushroom Take a Plunge With Pirates.” Like, wow man. This title is like. Trippin’ balls, yo.
So not too long ago I was at the dentists’. This is amusing in and of itself. First of all, the dentist is a huge nerd. Also, my whole family makes fun of me for going there and getting along so well with a crazy old man, his slightly crazy hygienist as well as his wife, the receptionist. They also make fun of me because I might be the oldest person who sees him for general checkups. His specialty is pediatric dentistry. Lots of adults go to him, but mostly for emergency work involving caps, crowns and cavities and other things of that nature. Jeez. Look, it’s the three evil Cs of dentistry. So much akin to Convenience, Contrivance and Cliché for writers. Indeed, it’s inspired me to theorize what I call the rule of Cs which states that in all things there are three evil Cs to beware. But I digress. See, the hygienist told me to start chewing gum.
“Dur,” I say “But I done thought that chewin’ done caused all them thur cavities. Mama tolds me tha’ th’ only reason I ain’t never had one was ‘cuz I was a good lil’ boy who don’t never chew.”
Turns out though that *most* gum isn’t really bad for you anymore. What made it bad was sugar. Most gum is now sugar free. Meanwhile, it’s actually pretty adept at picking up tartar and shit on the back of your teeth before it solidifies or you swallow it and it blocks your arteries and gives you a heart attack. I always wondered why bimbos had such nice teeth. Well, mystery solved. Thanks, science.
Yes, many gums are sugar free; however, they cause joint problems in your jaw. That dreaded TB swelling flares and your teeth clamp shut on one side sooner than the other. Headaches are sure to follow. Plus, the dreaded stale gum-breath sneaks up on you, hitting your friends in the face. Apparently, chronic gum chewing interferes with chewers' correctly pronouncing their words. Speach impediments are attributed to young gummers. I can't believe your dentist didn't mention how stucky gum pulls crowns and fillings from their drill-holes. You must stop, not for your youthful good lucks and charm, but for a graceful aging future.
ReplyDeleteThat so? I'll keep it in mind. Never really liked gum anyway, but I don't have any crowns or caps or anything. Well anyway, thanks for the heads up.
ReplyDeleteHm. Many doctors are split on TMJD and it's relation to gum chewing, teeth grinding and many other things. If you do it occasionally and not constantly you are probably fine. I have it and never chew gum. Mine was caused by genetic factors (both my father and grandfather had issues) and my autoimmune problems that attack my joints, ligaments, and muscles. I've also been encouraged by my rheumatologist to chew gum to increase saliva in an effort to stave off cavities since I have severe dry mouth. I'd make sure it is sugar-free and not chew for prolonged periods.
ReplyDeleteOMG--the TITLES. Lovely on that last one. That was truly brilliant. Don't the little things in life just brighten your days?