Query Pride Parade Part I

Before I even start, yes I know I’m going to hell for that joke. Anyway, obviously it’s been far too long since I’ve rained on any parades (…?) and as there’s been an upswing in crazy queries lately, I thought perhaps a refresher course would be a good idea. If you have any pride in your query, try not to seem like any of the examples I’ll give in the next few days. So lets start with things I don’t want to see in the subject line of your e-mail.

1. No subject. Clearly you’ve studied. And in studying you’d have learned that man is mortal, and therefore his time his limited which is probably why you’re in too much of a rush to write a bloody subject line. So I can clearly delete the query in front of me.
2. Query. That… that’s very helpful. Thank you. I would never have imagined that you’d send a query to a specialized QUERY HANDLING INBOX at a LITERARY AGENCY.
3. Awesomesauce Wants to Connect on Linkedin. Okay, listen up awesome sauce. You are not awesome. Seriously. You’re not. Also, no. We don’t want to connect on Linkedin. For starters, we don’t know you. If we knew you, you’d be sending that invitation to our specific e-mail addresses and not the slush-address, m’kay? Second, we don’t accept Facebook friend invites from cool authors we actually know (well, maybe the boss does IF we represent them. I dunno.) but otherwise it creates this weird conflict of interest. So even people who ARE awesome get turned down. Those who tout their own awesome? That’s a big old delete.
4. A Book For Representation by Joe Shmoe. We’re going in circles here, aren’t we? Who are you, what is your book, why should I care, and yes, thank for reminding me what I do for a living. I’d very nearly forgotten.
5. I needz teh helps!!!!!11 I really hope you weren’t expecting me to disagree. Anyway, I’ll address this next time on Query Pride Parade Part II: More ways to piss off agents who could potentially represent you. Long story short, you want advice, read the blog.

So what DO I want to see in the subject line? It’s very simple. And stated quite clearly on our website. I want this- Query: Format “title.” I want to see Query: PB “Peter Piper in a Pickle.” I want to see Query: YA Fantasy “The Quest for Sex.” Makes things easy for everybody.

Actually, I really want to see that. That book sounds great. Okay peeps, here’s the deal. Next person to send a query that turns Superbad into an urban fantasy (just replace the booze with magical elixirs or love potions or whatever) and title it “The Quest for Sex” gets automatic representation. Not, you know. Not from the agency. Just from me. So it means basically nothing. But you can brag to everyone you know, I suppose. As long as you understand I’m not actually going to try and sell that book to anyone. That I’m more likely to frame it and put a little plaque under it that reads “Authors are puppets and I am the puppet master.” Tell you what though, alls y’all can post what your opening line would be for that book and my favorite wins the February Critique. How’s that? So until next time, remember to put your best foot forward. Having no subject is a lot like cutting off your own foot and then falling the down the stairs in my direction. So you know, don’t do that. And I’d come up with some tortured metaphor for what a stupid subject line is similar to, perhaps something like “spraying me in the eyes with mace and then asking if I can see how beautiful you are” but I won’t. Although I guess I just did. Nerts.