Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Belief in Gawd

I filled my quota of ten posts for August, and believe me, I'm pretty proud of myself. I think I need to cut back on the essays and focus on reiterating important points. Regardless, I was moved by something today. Moved so strongly I have no choice but to Kvetch.

That thing is that my agency was recently queried with a book titled "The 'No God' Delusion" which is very specifically a (much delayed) response to Richard Dawkin's excellent book "The God Delusion." (First US release September 2006 by Houghtoun Mifflin. Further, many books, including God is No Delusion, and The Dawkin's Delusion? have already been printed in response- three years ago)Let me start by saying this- I didn't read the manuscript. Submissions at the agency have been closed for over a month. 9/10ths of prospective authors pay enough attention not to send us anything in this time. Some are in their own world and send it anyway. In some cases, two or three times, wondering why an agency closed to submissions wouldn't get back to them in a matter of hours and enthusastically send them a contract. While the No God author didn't do that, I should also point out that I didn't NEED to read it to know it wasn't for us.

Let me set a few things straight. First, I'm an atheist. Second, I'm completing a masters with eyes to a doctorate one day. Third, Atheism is most commonly associated with secular humanism. Fourth, last I heard less than 1% of America is admitted as atheist, agnostic, theist, deist, or any other "non-religion" with an estimated three percent of the country total. Fifth, Atheists are the minority most discriminated against in this country.

What does this all mean? A lot of things really, but here's what it boils down to in my view point. Solomon Ash. Ever heard of him? He was a famous psychologist who helped form the field as we think of it today. One of his most famous studies was on conformity. It might go something like this-

10 people are gathered in a room. They are given one card with a one inch line painted on it, and another with one inch, two inch, and three inch lines. Then, they go around the circle and are asked to publically state their answers. The first nine of these people are "confederates." Actors hired by the psychologst. Only the final particpant is truly being studied. The actors give an answer which is obviously wrong. They match the one inch line to the two inch line. Then, an enormous percentage of the true participants of the study will lock step and agree to an answer they know is wrong. The exact percentages vary from test to test depending on how obvious the wrong answer is, the number of confederates, etc. But it tends to fall between 60 and 90 percent, which is extraordinary. But if just one person disagrees, just one, even if their answer is worse, the conformity rate plummets to half or less and the participants start giving the right answer.

In regards to religion, this explains quite neatly the exagerated response the eligious have towards non-believers. Any disagreeing voice, brilliant or foolish, increases the odds that the members of the reliigion will be forced to actually think, and in thinking, confront their religions and fin them lacking. Seriously, I may be an atheist, but I've read the bible cover to cover many times. The only people, apart from active priests I've ever known who have done that are ALL atheist or agnostic. And did not Jesus say to be like children? Innocent and trusting? Does not the bible teach us to always be sheep and never a sheperd? Lordy, lordy. Wouldn't want people to try thinking, would we?

I have nothing against religion as a whole, but I do have something against hiding behind God as an excuse to mistreat other people. From crusades and Jihads to the Inquisition or the solid, well documented proof that atheists are the most reviled of American citizens (often for reasons which are illogical; be sure to check out the linked study)Religion is often used as a justification for actions that those self-same religions officially declare are immoral.

Now, to tie this back into publishing, my agency doesn't do spiritual books, and it heavily favors books about minorities. So while the author of the No God Delusion can claim minority status for being a Muslim in America, he should consider that like a school yard bully, he's parlaying that position into an excuse to lash out at the only group smaller and weaker than he is. Religion condemning atheism is hardly new, edgy, unique, thought-provoking or any of the myriad things used on our website to describe what we're looking for.

So, asessing the situation, even if submissions were open, what do you think the agencies' response would've been? If your answer is anything but an immediate dismissal using a form rejection whilst we grind our teeth and wish polite society would allow us to tell them what we really thought of their manuscript, you may want to re-read the preceeding post and consider where you went wrong. Consider this another valuable exercise provided by yours truly in matching up your manuscript with readers who might be interested. Even if the book hadn't upset me personally, and even if it had been very well written, the book would've been rejected without a second thought because WE HAVE NO DESIRE TO REPRESENT IT, NOR THE EXPERTISE TO DO SO.

If you still don't understand the gist of my nub, consider asking God. Just be prepared to wait a good long time for your answer.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Honestly

There are but two ways to prove mastery of the English language; sarcasm and semicolons.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Go Go Godin

Six months ago, I'd never heard of Seth Godin. The name first came up in reference to the IBPA convention in NYC which took place shortly before this year's BEA. Still didn't mean much at the time. Fortunately, the fine folks at the Independent Book Publisher's Association extended a number of free passes to publishing students at Pace and NYU, which is why I was able to attend.

Godin, the headline event, didn't have all that much stage time, but it was definitely interesting. He had, I discovered, a reputation as a marketing guru and something of a visionary. I don't think he's a visionary. He doesn't have an amazing foresight. He does have good insight, however (a trait I believe I share) and balls of solid steel (a trait I definitely do not.) His speech, about how modern media was conducive to niches and how this is completely overturning everything from traditional marketing to pricing (a good product of little value to the average consumer can be worth quite a bit to a niche audience) was mostly impressive because of how unapologetic his assessments were. The key points I'd heard before, from Michael Healy for instance, and they were conclusions I'd long since come to myself. But to say that even some big publishers are so unaware of the extent of its meaning that they could be gone in a matter of years...well, that caught my attention.

Godin has now put action to theory, something I (as a trembling, bitter, spineless, venemous academic) would be entirely incapable of doing released a statement the other day which is of great interest. The article, which can be read in full here was brought to my attention through the newsletter of the mighty Bo Sacks.

In short, Godin said "Publishers are useful if you don't know your audience. I do know my audience. Ergo, I don't need a publisher. I'll make my own books, electronic or Print on Demand."

And it's true to a degree. On average, the man's blog posts get "re-tweeted" about five hundred times apiece. Think for a moment how many devoted readers he must have to get that kind of attention. He does have an in with his consumers. And even myself, who has only an academic interest in the principles of marketing find the guy fascinating. Not that he's the first person to try something new, revolving around his niche online community. I've seen professional authors go to their readers and say "my publisher doesn't want to continue the series. Would you guys be willing to pay me to write it in their place?" One day, I'll even dig up a few names of authors who've done that for you.

And Where his assessment stumbles a bit is in issues like editorial. There's not a book in existance that couldn't be made better. And one can't underestimate the value of a royalty advance. Some things publishers bring to the table are extremely valuable. However, many of their functions are less important than they used to be to the average author. So while I doubt publishers are going anywhere, Godin's a big enough name that this might make some ripples and reopens my questions about the changing relationships between authors, agents and publishers. Notably, e-books and POD's effects on those relationships are the subject of the thesis I must write in the coming months. I'd already planned to cite Godin's books. Now I get to cite his businessmodel.

Thanks, Godin. Keep going. Maybe I can write an entire bloody paper about you.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Correct usage

You know, sometimes we all do it. We decide it's high time we abuse our language for no good goddamn reason at all. When people say "I could care less" when they're trying to tell you that they couldn't care less. When a baseball announcer talks about a runner "literally flying around the bases" when he means it figuratively. It's vs. its drives me absolutely batty. Perhaps the easiest to forgive but for it's incredible frequency is how widely we use ironic. But every now and then, something strikes a chord in the OCD center of my brain. For me, 'tis a small and underutilized section sandwiched somewhere between the engorged Pun Cortex and the bloated Inane Trivia Lobe. But when it's hot, it's hot. And when it's not, it's not. And you'll notice that those "it's" have the goddamn apostrophe because for shit's sake, the apostrophe isn't the possessive, but the conjunction for "it is."

Anyway, the term which threw me into this deep, raging funk of mindless and utterly pointless nitpicking is the word "warrior." Specifically, about a week ago I saw a commercial for some new Stallone movie which referred to a bunch of retired spec ops turned mercernaries (or something?) as warriors.

I don't know why this bothers me but it does. Let's get this straight. Soldiers follow orders. Mercenaries follow money. Warriors follow ideals. If Stallone's character was captured, would he commit seppuku? I'd love to see that. Are they pursuing harmony? Peace? The spread of an ideal? Or even the rule of one they consider just? Or are they cogs (soldiers?) or self-serving cogs (mercenaries)? These are very different things.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go watch some Akira Kurosawa films and ruminate on the nature of a warrior. Then, I'll rewatch Hero and consider where Heroes and Warriors overlap and where they seperate. Finally, I'll put my head through the wall for wasting an entire afternoon pursuing pointless bullshit. Now that's a plan.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Time Travel Generation

Over the weekend, I read a full manuscript for work regarding time travel. Unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to divulge details, but it's an established author and the book was pretty funky, twisting classic folklore styles and tales. Really highbrow stuff, considering it's a Middle Grade. Somewhere in there, discussing the book with my colleagues, I reffered to people my age as the Time Travel Generation. This is because anyone born between 1980 and 1990 grew up with both Back to the Future and Bill and Ted. Which, let's face it, are awesome movies regardless of how old you are.

This in turn served to remind me of what I used to call the fear of writing (or of showing that writing to other people.) I called it the McFly syndrome after George McFly. Do you want to be George McFly? No? Then quit your whining and finish writing that novel you've been working on for a decade. You sissy.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Motivational Spouter

Let me tell you all one thing I tell my writing group when they express a sentiment along the lines of "I'll never be a writer. Books always strike me as so perfect and finished and it's hard to reconcile the end product with actually trying to make it." The difference between a published author and an unpublished one is experience, an editor and some confidence. I don't remind them about the talent and luck portions of the equation because they're my friends and don't want to imply they haven't got talent, nor do I wish to remind them that luck is out of our hands.

Regardless, you would be amazed by how many second rate manuscripts are submitted. You'd also be surprised how many of them get picked up for representation by one agency or another. It's an odd thing being an assistant at a literary agency. Some of these new writers make me feel like crap. Other times, a small press, an indie book store, an editor or another agent will send something to us with a reccomendation and it will be hewn from the greatest garbage, finest flotsam, the most terrific trash imaginable.

If reading it wasn't so exhausting it'd be super motivating to think that my (admittedly bad) writing is still better than many people who've gone a lot farther. I suppose it's as the lovely Script Girl used to say about movies. Can't sell it if you don't write it.

On a related note, script girl has come back to us, her adoring audience. Sort of. It's a new girl, and she speaks really slowly. What the hell? I'm a New Yorker lady. We speak in order that things might be said. Things like "One side, tourist!" and "What the hell are you looking at?" New York, man. It's a hell of a town. Or sprawling metropolis as the case may be. Or more widely, the third most populous state in the US.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Accentual

You know something? I love British comedies. I do. Honestly. But I'm not a TV snob. Sure, Monty Python, Black Adder and Red Dwarf are vastly superior to virtually every American sitcom, despite their pitiful budgets and piss poor cinematography. And sure, the British version of Whose Line is it Anyway far outstripped the American one despite budget not being an issue and using a lot of the same people.

But it's not because the British are smarter than Americans. I don't know where people came up with that. Those shows I just mentioned? All clever, but all very, very low brow. Very.

So why is British TV so good? And why do we think they're so smart? Simple: British accents rock. And the ocassional inclusion of a Cockney accent rounds out the experience. Honestly, there's only one accent that's more hilarious.

Oi, could we get a Jewish sitcom here maybe? That'd be a mechaiyeh.

There's just something about Yiddish/Jewish American syntax and intonation that's inherently hilarious. Sorry, England. But you still have the best accent for polite, classy, super villains.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Fire

I wanted to keep the fire burning, but ohhhh, no. You lot just had to keep job hunting. Well now we're doomed.

Yeah, so, it's that time again. Time for yours truly to knuckle under, ignore the massive amount of other things he has to do, and start looking for another internship. The agency I'm a reader for is great, but part time. I'm a man. I have needs. I can't be satisfied with any less than two internships.

Because a writing group, a part time internship, graduate studies and writing a novel is apparently just not enough. It's official. I'm a masochist.

This is proven by the fact that I want to work in publishing. To some extent, applying for a job is applying for the job. Trolling career sites and trying to get through to specific people, or getting a call back. Arriving at an interview only to find that the whole thing is pro forma and they're not interested in you because they've already made their choice but corporate procedures dictate a minimum number of applicants be interviewed. The whole thing's a nightmare.

Publishing is just particularly bad. Not that publishers or those who work there are nasty or anything. In fact, it's probably the other way around. But it's a tight industry. Not a lot of open room, and less thanks to a recession and the fact that the digital revolution is finally, finally getting through to their business models. I love the industry, but if I told you I didn't think it was a bit reactionary, I'd be lying.

Anyway, we're looking at an inudstry where a major publisher might have 500 applicants to fill ten spaces in a three month unpaid internship program- and half of them have years of professional experience and/or their master's degree under their belt already. It's not easy for a 25 year old guy still finishing his MS to distinguish himself. Plus, many publishers are overwhelmingly female, which doesn't help my chances. And there's all the positions that have gone free lance. Fortunately (?) for me, I have no artistic talent and no desire to play copy editor, but for others in the industry, it can make finding a place to be difficult.

If any of you, my loyal readers, want to break into the business yourselves, remember the low salaries, the difficulty finding a job, the high turnover rate, and decide whether doing really interesting work is worth the sacrafice or if you should've listened to your mother and gotten that CPA certification.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Death Knell

Have you ever seen a show called "Dead Like Me?" Something of a cult classic of recent vintage about a disillusioned college dropout who becomes a grim reaper after being killed by a flaming toilet seat from outer space. I really enjoyed it myself. And it's not just because the perceptive, extraordinarily cynical but somewhat naive main character sounds an awful lot like me. It's also because the actress who plays that character is really cute.

Even so, the show has problems. Problems beyond my need to shout "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!" everytime Mandy Patinkin walks in. Which is a lot since he's a major character. No, its biggest problem is that it's over-narrated.

Now, we've all seen times when excessive narration actually seems to work. This is one in a thousand. Dead Like Me does not pull it off. Most products, regardless of medium do not pull it off. And yet, I see it all the time as a reader.

Perhaps the most infuriating to me is when people write about a three page prologue that basically spoils the entire book. They must have seen it work once upon a time. Maybe with a trick ending. They combined the knowledge that it can be done with the knowledge that I'll disembowel them with a melon baller if I see one more book opening with someone waking up.

The problem is that most authors tell us too much. This is called exposition. I wrote a song about it this morning while I was on the can to help you remember what it is, and how I feel about it.

"Exposition"
To the theme tune of Oklahoma

Exposition, where the text goes sweeping down the page
and the facts you list, so we get the gist,
and those facts come right before my raaaaaaaage.



I'll work on a second verse later. Or never, since I don't know how the rest of the song goes. Regardless most of those three page prologues are heavily exposition and they reveal an enormous amount of information in a very short period of time. It throws the pacing and honestly makes your book less interesting. Stories, like people, are best experienced a bit at a time and with a little mystery as it goes along. You think I care where your 64 year old ME protagnoist went to Elementary school? What brand of undies his wife wears? I know those aren't the details most authors will inundate readers with, but it might as well be. Stick to the facts at hand. Tell us what we need to know but work it into the story. Yes, a book which starts with the house burning down is doing better on page one than the book that starts with waking up. But when your second paragraph reads like

"If only I'd known at the start of the summer that my long lost identical twin would burn my house down, I probably wouldn't have invited them to live with me. Oh, there were all kinds of signs too. {insert list of story spoilers here}."

If you must do this, remeber not to give too much away. Remember To Kill a Mockingbird? Great book. And it starts that way too. Not with a house burning down, but hinting at the ending. Except it gives you only a few choice pieces of information about events that don't happen until several years after the narrative starts and occur only at the very end of the book. What did I say before about seeming non-sequitors that it takes most of the book to truly understand but grabs you immediately? I said they were good. Lo' and behold! One of the most celebrated and widely read novels in American history follows that formula.

I'm jus' sayin' is all.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Erin Go Home

Okay, before I go off on my crazy rant for the day, let me just point out that The Rejectionist is doing a week long feature on Science Fiction and its use in forwarding civil rights and what not. So, minority authors, strong women in SF, that kind of thing. Sci-Fi is certainly a great genre for it, it has a history of social commentary made by expanding societies' flaws to their ultimate, absurd conclusions. Even when written by white men who probably didn't give two hoots about one particular group or another. See, for instance, George Orwell. Or Anthony Burgess.

With that out of the way, I will now rage. One trend I see a lot at my agency is people sending me things that aren't at all unusual and thinking they must be the only ones who have ever thought of it. One that has been especially upsetting of late is books set in Ireland. That's right. I bet you didn't know there was a horrific dearth of books in or about Ireland, or following Irish characters.

I feel compelled to say that I couldn't care less one way or another about Ireland. I live in NY which has a lot of them. I went to a college which was heavily Irish Catholic. My sister in law is Irish. Erin Go Bragh! Let me tell you, there's only one country in the world that really loves Ireland. And that's the US. For God's sake, the Irish are poor, bitter, miserable, hated by their neighbors, constantly fighting for their rights and territory. The only reason they don't all just jump into the ocean is to spite the brits who've been waiting for that to happen since the middle ages, when they painted the Irish as having green skin. And the Irish in this country love the place. Oh sure, few of them have ever been. And they might've forgotten that their families left because everyone was starving to death since they had nothing but blighted taters to munch on for who knows how long. Still, they love the place to death. Consequently, America loves the place to death.

Me, I'm totally indifferent. Cute girls, terrible food. Drunken pissants, but beautiful scenery. But Ireland's got to be the second most common setting for novels submitted to my agency. And only if you count the entire US, throughout its history, including territories to be a single place. I see more books about Ireland than NY. We're the bloody empire state people. How about some respect? Also note, NYC is publishing capital USA. I'm just sayin' flattering my state might soothe my righteous anger. Did I mention I'm Italian? People tell me I remind them somewhat of a taller, fatter Joe Pesche.

So if you want to set your novel in Ireland, go right ahead. But please don't tell me it's "underepresented" "unexplored" "unutilized" "ignored" or any other such bullshit. How many books you think I get taking place in Zimbabwe? Or even China (a country which fascinates me and provides more than a sixth of the entire world's population)? Truth is, in four months I have not seen a single query that takes place in either. Best I got was a single memoir from South Africa and the ocassional book about a US Suburbanite who is half Korean and struggling with identity issues. I dealt with no fewer than five books about Ireland today alone. You want to tell me your setting is different or unique, you better be sure it really is, because my patience is wearing thin when it comes to overzealous, unorigial braggarts.

Monday, August 2, 2010

One Liners

Okay, as promised, I'm going to talk a little bit about one liners. Maybe some readers or submission managers or whatever would disagree with me, but the opening few lines or paragraphs is virtually all I need to see of most books submitted to my agency. A few paragraphs can tell you a lot about the voice, pacing, construction, copy editing, consistency, and originality of a work. I have so much to say on the subject that I can't say it all at once, so I'll start from the beggining, the opening line itself.

First thing I should point out- any book or short story that opens with a normal person waking up on a normal day is almost guaranteed to get a form rejection from yours truly. I must read fifteen manuscripts a day that start with sounds of snoring, an alarm going off, or some truly uninspired dialogue like "Wake up honey or you'll be late for work." Let me set the record straight. Waking up is not interesting. Waking up as a bug might be, but Fraz Kafka beat you to that particular opening a hundred years ago. And when books start with waking up, they're usually slow to get going. If I have to read several pages and don't see a distinct voice, unusual character, or interesting premise, consider yourself gone. And most manuscripts that start with waking up prove themselves to be, at best, very slow boils. At worst, as they often are, they're BBB. That's Crewd shorthand for "bland, banal bullshit." Keep in mind, waking up is just the most common extraordinarily boring way to start a story. If you need to write it that way for your own sense of progression, fine. If you start writing and need to get a feel for the character, go ahead. But take it out of the final product.

Second- how does one make a good opening line and does it make a difference? To answer the second part first, yes. It absolutely does. Even a terrible manuscript, I'll read about five pages if it has a great opening line, hoping to see a little bit more of the skill that crafted that initial hook. Compared to the two page maximum I read of most books that start with waking up, that gets you somewhere. The more you can convince me to read, the more sympathetic I become to you, and your manuscript, and the more I like it.

So how do you make a good opening line? My personal favorite is the absurd. Something seemingly surreal, but makes perfect sense. Usually, it will hit the theme or climax of the story and it'll take us half the book to figure out just what it meant. I don't want to quote any of the authors who have queried me (even though most were rejects) because I'm really hoping to see those words on a professinally printed and bound page one day down the line and wouldn't want to ruin their best stuff by making it availible to just anyone. Instead, I'll use a few of my own because, lazy, talentless shmuck that I am, I never had a chance anyway. So, a good one line opening might be

"Old Two-Nose Paul, despite his nickname still couldn't tell when we were shitting him."

"The phrase 'hey baby, wanna get wet?' can be traced back to Poseidon, Greek God of the Oceans, for whom it was particularly unsucessful."

Or, if we were to go for a full on opening paragraph, one of my personal favorites is "I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I’m not proud of. I’ve lied. I’ve stolen. I’ve cheated. I’ve even killed a few people. But the worst thing I’ve done by far is to tell a strong willed woman there’s something she can’t do."

If you're not into non-sequitors, usually I find physical description is best. Indeed, I'm a satirist (if I may flatter myself) so non-sequitors are my method, but for serious works, literary or commercial, I often find a quick description of the scene best. Especially when placed in immediate contrast to the action of the story. For instance, a buoy floats gently in the bay in the cool, gray morning air. Beside it floats the bloated body of incumbent senator Mr. Blank. Something like that. That's not a cleaned up or streamlined version. Or be creative. I once had a middle aged lawyer staring at a clock he thought looked like a gravestone (a thought at odds with the work he was supposed to be doing). I can't give you endless lines, but starting with someone waking up or walking down the street is not a novel or even a short story. That's a Blues Song.

"I woke up this morning. Then I went back to bed...well I ain't got no money. I'm just walking down the road...I wish I could get me some money, but I forgot my automated telacode." - Weird Al Yankovich's Generic Blues.