Monday, March 7, 2011

Shits and Giggles

So do you fine folks follow Stoker nominee Jeremy Shipp on Twitter? ‘Cuz you probably should. He’s pretty funny. He frequently offers extra stuff if you buy electronic copies of his books instead of print ones, and he asks truly deep, philosophical questions very nearly on par with my own upcoming title "Crewd Entertainment Incorporated Presents Robin Crew’s Big Book of Zen Like Non-sense." So, Mr. Shipp, for the sake of our collective publicity, I choose to meet your rapier wit with my own. Although mine may look more like a sledgehammer, do not be fooled. It’s subtle. Really. Blink and you might miss it. Here’s a sampling of his deepest questions, as they were posted Wednesday last.

“If your life was a video game, what would your character collect to obtain points?”

Surely you jest, Mr. Shipp. It should be perfectly obvious that I would collect VOTES. Specifically, VOTES FOR ME. However, I could obtain bonus points by collecting VOTES for OTHER PEOPLE and disposing of them safely, secretly, and within the allotted time, but would receive a hefty penalty for getting caught.

“If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be, and how would you go about taking over the world?”

I think it’s plain to see that the only tree I should want to be is an apple tree, if word domination is my goal. Uh. E. Let’s think for a moment, shall we? Apples grow all over the world in a myriad of climates and cultures. There are dozens of varieties and endless uses. Raw. Pies. Juice. Sauce. Hell, take a good look at that strawberry oatmeal in the cupboard. Those chunks of strawberry? Dyed apple bits. The trees last for years. They require little maintenance, and provide large amounts of food. They’ve even got the health vote locked up thanks to the idea that “an apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Since I plan to take over the world through legitimate, democratic means (well, democratic anyway) I’ll need the sort of widespread support that can only be obtained as an apple tree.

When you’re ready to face my counter examination, Mr. Shipp, I shall be ready with questions so deep as to be truly unfathomable. So until next time folks, remember that I have many bulls and I feed them very well. A bullshit farm is the first thing any political candidate needs, you know.

This message has been approved by the VOTE FOR ME foundation to elect Robin Crew.

2 comments:

  1. Well, clearly you have never lived in a house that has a yard full of apple trees. MAJOR FERMENTING MESS rotting on the ground. I guess I will try to summon up the motivation to vote for you anyway.

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  2. The answer is deer. They'll eat anything. Once elected, one of my first initiatives will be to create an APPLE EXCHANGE program. Unwanted apples, such as those used as decorations in certain suburbs will be relocated (for their own benefit of course) to high-deer area so that the residents won't need to plant pachysandra instead of nice flowers and worry that the deer will eat it anyway. All things are possible through the power of apple. Except a battery life of more than five minutes. Ba-dum-tish.

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