“ ‘Our two chief weapons are fear and surprise and Moral Ambiguity. Drat. Three. Our three chief weapons are fear, and surprise and moral ambiguity and an almost fanatical devotion to Machiavelli. Oh Bugger. Let me start this over.’
TERRIFYING BUT TRUE
Political Scientists surround you at this very moment aiming to destroy the foundations of this great nation. Regular scientists are a disease of the skin; Political Scientists a disease of the heart. While ordinary scientists chip impotently away at God with their so called “indisputable facts” and “hard evidence” their futile ramblings cannot put a dent in our blind faith. The Political Scientist is a beast of a completely different order. He wears no lab coat or glasses. He walks among us, hidden, unknown. With every breath he seeks to steal your freedom.
DON’T LET HIM.
The Political Scientist will tell you that Universal Healthcare keeps the country healthy, that longer school years will improve education, and that current data indicates that Democrats’ hard won battles for economic relief have helped keep our country’s economy from collapsing.
HE LIES.
Those things do not make sense. He speaks nonsense in order to destroy us all. Political Scientists are all Communists and probably Secret Muslims besides.
NEVER TRUST THEM.
The Political Scientist is a tool of The Vatican. Or the English Crown. Or maybe Huever claims to be in charge of China right now (we’re not really sure because we refuse to recognize the sovereignty of communist nations.)
BE EVER VIGILANT.
The Political Scientist will never rest until he has destroyed this country fully. Your steadfast devotion to unwavering bigotry is all that stands in his way.
AMERICA FOR AMERICANS.
This message brought to you by the National Council for Purity and Security.”
You know something? I was trained as a political scientist and I’m frankly pretty tired of being called a socialist sympathizer, or a panda hugging, namby-pamby, ineffectual intellectual Nancy-boy. So, ummm. If you’re also sick of me being called those things watch how you vote?
P.S. I threw up in my mouth a little when writing this. I’ll consider that an indication of success! Also, assuming you’re one of the six or so people who haven’t seen it yet, check this out.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Pretty Scary, huh Kids?
So, with Halloween coming up I’ve been watching a lot of really bad movies. Shouldn’t I be watching scary movies you ask? Well, I suppose, but they’re frequently the same thing. Truth is, I don’t think I’ve ever been scared of something I saw in a movie. To me, the exorcist was just a little girl with a foul mouth who spat on people. Weird? Yes. Fun? Yes. Scary? No. And truth be told I had as much fun watching Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Now that was a fun movie because it knew it was bad. It used that inherit awfulness to its advantage and actually made me laugh despite myself. I had a whole Mystery Science Theater style running commentary. Like when they got shot at by the aliens whose death-guns shot popcorn and the guy asks the girl “Are you okay?” I naturally butted in with a falsetto and said “Just lightly salted.” Good times are had by all who watch bad movies, whether or not they’re “supposed” to be scary. Talking about it with a writing buddy I’ve known for only a few months, he contended that there must be something wrong with me. That I must not feel fear or something. Eventually, I got him to admit that my neutral response probably has more to do with my hyper-rationality rather than my secretly being an android. I’ll have you know my emotion emulator is flawless, thank you very much.
How did I do this? Simple, I told him what I’m really afraid of- The Tea Party.
Now, to frame this, you should understand that my father is an ultra conservative American Historian who raised me on the Federalist papers etc. So although I am unquestionably a democrat, I’m probably more classically conservative than most republicans. What do I mean? Well, for instance, conservatives claim to stand for individual rights. I take that seriously and thus apply those rights to homosexuals, Muslims and other minority or unpopular groups, which the GOP does not. Near as I can tell, the GOP’s platform is generally “We’re always right because we’re morally superior” which I find offensive and frequently backwards given, for instance, the example above. Like anyone who believes they are inherently superior and therefore right all the time, the modern GOP’s power is supported and grows by instilling a large portion of the population with a sense that they’re not getting the credit their wondrousness deserves. In other words, a massive persecution complex based on the notion that any disagreement or criticism is somehow oppressive. This has spun off into the even more extreme “Tea Party” whose underlying ideology can be best described as “We’re always right because we just are.” How anyone with half a brain and a conscious can vote for candidates who demand Obama send the Czars back to Russia and don’t understand what the first Amendment means is beyond me.
I’m sad to say that my father, lover of stability and loyalty does whatever his party asks and is a devout Bill O’Reilley fan. We argue about this endlessly. Meanwhile, many of my best friends are extremely conservative (I’m looking at you Francis) but they know what they’re talking about and vote the way they do because it’s what makes most sense to them; and these people tend to distance themselves from Tea Party members just as they distance themselves from blow hard faux conservative spokespeople.
As a conservative democrat, I believe in democracy and I fully support your right to vote as you see fit. That’s why I must beg you to vote based on what your brain tells you makes sense, rather than the fact than because you’re enthralled with puffed up, know-nothing, egotistical braggarts.
How did I do this? Simple, I told him what I’m really afraid of- The Tea Party.
Now, to frame this, you should understand that my father is an ultra conservative American Historian who raised me on the Federalist papers etc. So although I am unquestionably a democrat, I’m probably more classically conservative than most republicans. What do I mean? Well, for instance, conservatives claim to stand for individual rights. I take that seriously and thus apply those rights to homosexuals, Muslims and other minority or unpopular groups, which the GOP does not. Near as I can tell, the GOP’s platform is generally “We’re always right because we’re morally superior” which I find offensive and frequently backwards given, for instance, the example above. Like anyone who believes they are inherently superior and therefore right all the time, the modern GOP’s power is supported and grows by instilling a large portion of the population with a sense that they’re not getting the credit their wondrousness deserves. In other words, a massive persecution complex based on the notion that any disagreement or criticism is somehow oppressive. This has spun off into the even more extreme “Tea Party” whose underlying ideology can be best described as “We’re always right because we just are.” How anyone with half a brain and a conscious can vote for candidates who demand Obama send the Czars back to Russia and don’t understand what the first Amendment means is beyond me.
I’m sad to say that my father, lover of stability and loyalty does whatever his party asks and is a devout Bill O’Reilley fan. We argue about this endlessly. Meanwhile, many of my best friends are extremely conservative (I’m looking at you Francis) but they know what they’re talking about and vote the way they do because it’s what makes most sense to them; and these people tend to distance themselves from Tea Party members just as they distance themselves from blow hard faux conservative spokespeople.
As a conservative democrat, I believe in democracy and I fully support your right to vote as you see fit. That’s why I must beg you to vote based on what your brain tells you makes sense, rather than the fact than because you’re enthralled with puffed up, know-nothing, egotistical braggarts.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Top 5
I was tempted to write a response to something a reader posted on Twitter, re: the quality of the modern rejection letter, but no. The lists are calling me. I mean, you guys heard Liu Bei. The lists must live again. And so I present the top 5 most non-existant bands of 2010
#5: Insolent Whelp Heavy Metal. Founded by Johnny Archer in 2008, the band's name is the nickname Johnny earned from his third grade teacher. Archer is the son of an upper class banker in London, and his mother is of noble descent. Archer was discovered in a night club performing a cover of George Thorogood's "Get a haircut and get a real job." Since then, his first album "Bugger off, mate" has taken him to the tops of the British charts and is receiving world wide attention, turning him into the next Coldplay. Johnny made headlines earlier this year when his father's bank shut down and despite rolling in money, he told his father to "grow your hair out and get a decent job."
#4: Egad's Zukes Retro Rock. Picking up where the Stray Cats left off, Egad's Zukes (formerly Egad and the men in Zuke Suits, formerly Egad and the Flying Trapeze)having a surprising string of top twenty pop rock pieces inspired by 1950s rock and roll. Each piece is an original, but they've been a mainstay on classic rock stations since their first album was released in Spring 2009.
#3: Struwwel Peter Gunn Instrumental Hard Rock. A german band of unusual taste, Struwwel Peter Gunn has found a surprisingly large audience for a band many would have been inclined to dismiss as "just another German death metal" band. Namely, each of their pieces is an original based on gothic folklore and 19th century morality tales, whose sound is as much inspired by the likes of Dick Dale and Duane Eddy as their contemporary metal associates. Their second album, Iron Heinrich Hoffmann, named after the Grimm Brothers tale "Iron Heinrich", also known as the tale of the Frog Prince, and Heinrich Hoffmann, author of Struwwel Peter, is expected to be released later this year. A runaway hit throughout Europe, the American release of their first album, "Something Wicked" met with lackluster sales in the states due to the complete inability of the average American to read, and consequently not picking up on the band's theme.
#2: The Un-PC Six Glam rock. Move over Scissor Sisters, because this band is the biggest thing to hit glam rock since David Bowie. the Un-PC Six is famously made up of the white guy, the black guy, the yellow guy, the red guy, the woman who thinks she's a guy and a dwarf. Even if you can't stand their music, you can no longer avoid the ubiquitous name and images of the band now known as much for their personal squabbling as for their extraordinarily creative and high budget live performances. According to our sources, band members have confirmed that any publicity is good publicity. The sources say ticket sales skyrocketed after the volcanic love triangle between White, Red, and the woman who thinks she's a guy hit papers, and then again when their original dwarf sued the band for replacing him because he wasn't short enough.
#1: Los Autores Locos con Sombreros Grande General Rock. Coming completely out of left field, this highly multinational band of aspiring writers hit the zeitgeist dead on and saw their first album go platinum after only three months, defying all logic, especially at a time when complete album sales appear to be on the rocks due to sales of individual songs through services such as iTunes. What is the secret of their sucess? Several things. For starters is their tendency towards large hats. On stage, each member of the band is only known by the oversized hat he wears. Lead gutarist Jose Antonio for instance is officially known as "pirate hat", drummer Chuck Weber is "top hat" and so on. Secondly, their songs, both original and covers are performed in the style and languages of more than ten countries, sung by band members who speak the language as a native. In performance, blue screens behind the band display karaoke style sing-along text in each of those languages for every song. And finally, their first album, "Universal Language" is brilliantly produced with an image of iconic American writer Edgar Allan Poe dressed in a white, rhinestone riddled suit and an oversized pompadour.
So there you have it. The top five most non-existant bands of the year. Don't you wish they were real? Somtimes being an idea person sucks, because after making stuff up, you have to come back to the real world and wonder what we did to deserve it.
#5: Insolent Whelp Heavy Metal. Founded by Johnny Archer in 2008, the band's name is the nickname Johnny earned from his third grade teacher. Archer is the son of an upper class banker in London, and his mother is of noble descent. Archer was discovered in a night club performing a cover of George Thorogood's "Get a haircut and get a real job." Since then, his first album "Bugger off, mate" has taken him to the tops of the British charts and is receiving world wide attention, turning him into the next Coldplay. Johnny made headlines earlier this year when his father's bank shut down and despite rolling in money, he told his father to "grow your hair out and get a decent job."
#4: Egad's Zukes Retro Rock. Picking up where the Stray Cats left off, Egad's Zukes (formerly Egad and the men in Zuke Suits, formerly Egad and the Flying Trapeze)having a surprising string of top twenty pop rock pieces inspired by 1950s rock and roll. Each piece is an original, but they've been a mainstay on classic rock stations since their first album was released in Spring 2009.
#3: Struwwel Peter Gunn Instrumental Hard Rock. A german band of unusual taste, Struwwel Peter Gunn has found a surprisingly large audience for a band many would have been inclined to dismiss as "just another German death metal" band. Namely, each of their pieces is an original based on gothic folklore and 19th century morality tales, whose sound is as much inspired by the likes of Dick Dale and Duane Eddy as their contemporary metal associates. Their second album, Iron Heinrich Hoffmann, named after the Grimm Brothers tale "Iron Heinrich", also known as the tale of the Frog Prince, and Heinrich Hoffmann, author of Struwwel Peter, is expected to be released later this year. A runaway hit throughout Europe, the American release of their first album, "Something Wicked" met with lackluster sales in the states due to the complete inability of the average American to read, and consequently not picking up on the band's theme.
#2: The Un-PC Six Glam rock. Move over Scissor Sisters, because this band is the biggest thing to hit glam rock since David Bowie. the Un-PC Six is famously made up of the white guy, the black guy, the yellow guy, the red guy, the woman who thinks she's a guy and a dwarf. Even if you can't stand their music, you can no longer avoid the ubiquitous name and images of the band now known as much for their personal squabbling as for their extraordinarily creative and high budget live performances. According to our sources, band members have confirmed that any publicity is good publicity. The sources say ticket sales skyrocketed after the volcanic love triangle between White, Red, and the woman who thinks she's a guy hit papers, and then again when their original dwarf sued the band for replacing him because he wasn't short enough.
#1: Los Autores Locos con Sombreros Grande General Rock. Coming completely out of left field, this highly multinational band of aspiring writers hit the zeitgeist dead on and saw their first album go platinum after only three months, defying all logic, especially at a time when complete album sales appear to be on the rocks due to sales of individual songs through services such as iTunes. What is the secret of their sucess? Several things. For starters is their tendency towards large hats. On stage, each member of the band is only known by the oversized hat he wears. Lead gutarist Jose Antonio for instance is officially known as "pirate hat", drummer Chuck Weber is "top hat" and so on. Secondly, their songs, both original and covers are performed in the style and languages of more than ten countries, sung by band members who speak the language as a native. In performance, blue screens behind the band display karaoke style sing-along text in each of those languages for every song. And finally, their first album, "Universal Language" is brilliantly produced with an image of iconic American writer Edgar Allan Poe dressed in a white, rhinestone riddled suit and an oversized pompadour.
So there you have it. The top five most non-existant bands of the year. Don't you wish they were real? Somtimes being an idea person sucks, because after making stuff up, you have to come back to the real world and wonder what we did to deserve it.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Broken Dreams
So today I was setting up a display case of books for my Big Corporate Internship and one of the books in question was Glen Beck's latest hardcover titled Broke. And let me tell you, was that book infuriating. It just kept falling down. The spine was shoddy, the cover weight was weird. In short, it was unbalanced and poorly constructed. Indicative of the contents maybe? Well, whatever.
I had a dream last night. It was dark and cold and lonely. There was nothing around except for faint wisps of aether, floating like a fog. I had no idea where to go or what to do when there appeared a light in the distance. It blurred and became three. As it drew closer, I saw that the lights came from an inner fire belonging to the three Sworn Brothers, heroes of the Chinese classic Romance of the Three Kingdoms. The compassionate politician Liu Bei. The wise warrior Guan Yu. The hot headed Zhang Fei. They wore sequined China Dresses split up the sides to their thighs and each held microphones daintily in one hand. To a chorus of gentle, meaningless sounds like something the Chiffons would sing performed by the stout and fearsome warriors, Liu Bei began a song in his dulcimer tones. Subttitles appearing somewhere around his belly informed me that he was saying something like "The time has come/ the mandate is yours/ let the lists live again."
It can only mean one thing. The universe itself has willed it that I, Robin Crew, inventor of Things, Stuff and Such (TSS for short, a humor column for the commuters at Fairfield U) must revive the popular Top Most Non-Existant Lists here on my blog. Look forward to it. In the meantime, my advice for Graphic novelists is long overdue.
As a disclaimar, this isn't something I trained for, nor something I do extremely frequently. A dedicated comic writer or the submissions manager at Marvel would probably be able to give you some greater detail, but I've got a few starter tips that, in my experience, have always worked out for the better.
1) For the love of God, put that sucker in Screenplay format. It's so much easier to read, you'd be amazed. If you can't afford Final Draft or Movie Magic, or don't want to throw down that kind of money (which makes sense) just grab a template for use in Microsoft Word or whatever processor you use. Trust me, it helps a lot.
2) Do not pull an Alan Moore on me. Don't be crazy and violent. Errr, no. I mean, that's a good lesson but it isn't what I mean. Alan Moore seems to forget that he's supposed to be writing graphic novels and not regular novels. He's got crazy amounts of text and extensive art direction. My writing group would undoubtedly groan to hear me give my favorite example again, but in the film Bridge Over the River Kuai, when the bride explodes, you know what the script says? Does it describe the size of the blast or splinters or anything? No. It says quite plainly "the bridge explodes." let's face it. Graphic Novels are written as scripts, it's half the finished product. Just like theater, TV and movies. It doesn't help to try and control everything, and it can actually chaffe the director/artist etc. And let me tell you, I have seen Graphic Novel scripts where the author will, within the first page, begin a seven hundred word description of a gunfight that boils down to "they exchange fire but miss." If every piece of action was used, you'd fill a twenty page comic book with nothing but tiny little panels showing each place bullets thunked into walls. This is not helpful. Don't do it.
3) If you're pitching graphic novels to agents, packagers, or publishers directly, you may not want to compare yourself to Marvel. Generally when people do that, my first response is "then why aren't you submitting this to them?" Besides which, graphic novels are struggling, and beggining to succeed at branding themselves as something beyond "mere" comic books. They were re-popularized by the lenghtier and more widely varied manga (a Japanese form of GNs) and now it is becoming common for American companies, even major publishers to produce original works as graphic novels. For instance, Big Corporate Internship is launching a series called Pulp History, which is all outrageous (but true) history. Spy stories, war stories. That kind of thing, but legitimate, honest to God non-fiction. Besides, even if you were pitching to Marvel, I seem to recall the ever-cool Peter David saying something along the lines of "Most people who submit story ideas don't understand why they're rejected. Well, they're rejected because their story amounted to 'Wolverine and Sabertooth fight in the woods. Wolverine wins. The end.'"
So until next time...uh, don't write stupid things in sloppy format, with unecessary information and send it to people who don't care?
I had a dream last night. It was dark and cold and lonely. There was nothing around except for faint wisps of aether, floating like a fog. I had no idea where to go or what to do when there appeared a light in the distance. It blurred and became three. As it drew closer, I saw that the lights came from an inner fire belonging to the three Sworn Brothers, heroes of the Chinese classic Romance of the Three Kingdoms. The compassionate politician Liu Bei. The wise warrior Guan Yu. The hot headed Zhang Fei. They wore sequined China Dresses split up the sides to their thighs and each held microphones daintily in one hand. To a chorus of gentle, meaningless sounds like something the Chiffons would sing performed by the stout and fearsome warriors, Liu Bei began a song in his dulcimer tones. Subttitles appearing somewhere around his belly informed me that he was saying something like "The time has come/ the mandate is yours/ let the lists live again."
It can only mean one thing. The universe itself has willed it that I, Robin Crew, inventor of Things, Stuff and Such (TSS for short, a humor column for the commuters at Fairfield U) must revive the popular Top Most Non-Existant Lists here on my blog. Look forward to it. In the meantime, my advice for Graphic novelists is long overdue.
As a disclaimar, this isn't something I trained for, nor something I do extremely frequently. A dedicated comic writer or the submissions manager at Marvel would probably be able to give you some greater detail, but I've got a few starter tips that, in my experience, have always worked out for the better.
1) For the love of God, put that sucker in Screenplay format. It's so much easier to read, you'd be amazed. If you can't afford Final Draft or Movie Magic, or don't want to throw down that kind of money (which makes sense) just grab a template for use in Microsoft Word or whatever processor you use. Trust me, it helps a lot.
2) Do not pull an Alan Moore on me. Don't be crazy and violent. Errr, no. I mean, that's a good lesson but it isn't what I mean. Alan Moore seems to forget that he's supposed to be writing graphic novels and not regular novels. He's got crazy amounts of text and extensive art direction. My writing group would undoubtedly groan to hear me give my favorite example again, but in the film Bridge Over the River Kuai, when the bride explodes, you know what the script says? Does it describe the size of the blast or splinters or anything? No. It says quite plainly "the bridge explodes." let's face it. Graphic Novels are written as scripts, it's half the finished product. Just like theater, TV and movies. It doesn't help to try and control everything, and it can actually chaffe the director/artist etc. And let me tell you, I have seen Graphic Novel scripts where the author will, within the first page, begin a seven hundred word description of a gunfight that boils down to "they exchange fire but miss." If every piece of action was used, you'd fill a twenty page comic book with nothing but tiny little panels showing each place bullets thunked into walls. This is not helpful. Don't do it.
3) If you're pitching graphic novels to agents, packagers, or publishers directly, you may not want to compare yourself to Marvel. Generally when people do that, my first response is "then why aren't you submitting this to them?" Besides which, graphic novels are struggling, and beggining to succeed at branding themselves as something beyond "mere" comic books. They were re-popularized by the lenghtier and more widely varied manga (a Japanese form of GNs) and now it is becoming common for American companies, even major publishers to produce original works as graphic novels. For instance, Big Corporate Internship is launching a series called Pulp History, which is all outrageous (but true) history. Spy stories, war stories. That kind of thing, but legitimate, honest to God non-fiction. Besides, even if you were pitching to Marvel, I seem to recall the ever-cool Peter David saying something along the lines of "Most people who submit story ideas don't understand why they're rejected. Well, they're rejected because their story amounted to 'Wolverine and Sabertooth fight in the woods. Wolverine wins. The end.'"
So until next time...uh, don't write stupid things in sloppy format, with unecessary information and send it to people who don't care?
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Learning to Fly
I know I promised to do some tips for Graphic novels today, but I've decided to push that back to Monday or Tuesday when I do my next post. Why? Because many things amused me over the last 36 or so hours. I decided to make a log of some of the most entertaining of these things.
1) Thursday night: a reader refers to me as a Spring Chicken. Um. Buckaw?
2) Friday morning, I see a headline on a newspaper someone is reading on the train. It reads "Major villain in Campaign Ads: NYC." Well, duh. I mean, we New Yorkers merely bust our balls to make enough money to pay stupidly high taxes which are funneled away to less productive states who are grossly overepresented in federal government (see especially the Senate) who then complain that my state has undue power and that we're a bunch of jerks and that those non-productive states aren't receiving fair representation. Woah there, people. California, Texas and NY are the three largest and basically most productive states. They account for 1/3rd of the total population, and have 6% of the Senate seats. Who isn't being appropriately represented again? You know what, Bumblefuck Nowhere, if you want to go ahead and secede, you have my blessing.
3) Friday Afternoon: a coworker at Big Corporate Internship says "Cool Beans." A lot. Well, you know what's cool beans Renee? You are.
4) Friday Night: My design professor comes to me at the end of class and says "Illustrator hates you." Thank you for putting my mind at rest, professor. Now I know for sure that this class is destroying my otherwise perfect GPA. What a load off not having to worry about that.
5) Friday Night: On the train going home I had the misfortune to share a car with some chatty Kathys. Or at least one. The other was fairly normal. Mid Twenties princesses. Anyway, the chatty one sits bolt upright at one point and shrieks "Oh my GAWD! The lunch lady is dead!" She then proceeded to blabber about this old woman for a long time but she wasn't sad, or upset or angry or anything. She was just terribly confused. All I could think was "Lunch ladies never die; they only fade away."
6) Friday Night: The same young ladies on the train. I feel like the Overheard in New York blog would have more material than they'd know what to do with if they followed this woman around. Anyway, after abandoing the mystery of how a feeble old woman described alternately as being 90 and 98 could possibly die, there was a period of silence whilst the two women read things on their smart phones. Suddenly the chatty one shrieked again. "Almost all boyfriends are born in October!"
...
...
...
Of course! It all makes so much sense now. Seriously. Think about it. I dare you. I can't wait to watch your logic circuits fry.
7) Saturday Morning: Just now, while I was writing this, I got a call from the Cancer Fund. No thank you, I'm not interested in funding cancer today. Try back when I have a salaried job.
UPDATE Forgot to mention this when I put up the post a few minutes ago. I am now on Twitter, but between what I consider a horrific interface as well as my schedule, I may not see everything. Or even come close to seeing everything. If anyone has any statements, questions, requests, epithets etc. which are vitally important, feel free to send them to robinecrew@gmail.com I'll update my profile later to add it in. Among other things I should probably do.
1) Thursday night: a reader refers to me as a Spring Chicken. Um. Buckaw?
2) Friday morning, I see a headline on a newspaper someone is reading on the train. It reads "Major villain in Campaign Ads: NYC." Well, duh. I mean, we New Yorkers merely bust our balls to make enough money to pay stupidly high taxes which are funneled away to less productive states who are grossly overepresented in federal government (see especially the Senate) who then complain that my state has undue power and that we're a bunch of jerks and that those non-productive states aren't receiving fair representation. Woah there, people. California, Texas and NY are the three largest and basically most productive states. They account for 1/3rd of the total population, and have 6% of the Senate seats. Who isn't being appropriately represented again? You know what, Bumblefuck Nowhere, if you want to go ahead and secede, you have my blessing.
3) Friday Afternoon: a coworker at Big Corporate Internship says "Cool Beans." A lot. Well, you know what's cool beans Renee? You are.
4) Friday Night: My design professor comes to me at the end of class and says "Illustrator hates you." Thank you for putting my mind at rest, professor. Now I know for sure that this class is destroying my otherwise perfect GPA. What a load off not having to worry about that.
5) Friday Night: On the train going home I had the misfortune to share a car with some chatty Kathys. Or at least one. The other was fairly normal. Mid Twenties princesses. Anyway, the chatty one sits bolt upright at one point and shrieks "Oh my GAWD! The lunch lady is dead!" She then proceeded to blabber about this old woman for a long time but she wasn't sad, or upset or angry or anything. She was just terribly confused. All I could think was "Lunch ladies never die; they only fade away."
6) Friday Night: The same young ladies on the train. I feel like the Overheard in New York blog would have more material than they'd know what to do with if they followed this woman around. Anyway, after abandoing the mystery of how a feeble old woman described alternately as being 90 and 98 could possibly die, there was a period of silence whilst the two women read things on their smart phones. Suddenly the chatty one shrieked again. "Almost all boyfriends are born in October!"
...
...
...
Of course! It all makes so much sense now. Seriously. Think about it. I dare you. I can't wait to watch your logic circuits fry.
7) Saturday Morning: Just now, while I was writing this, I got a call from the Cancer Fund. No thank you, I'm not interested in funding cancer today. Try back when I have a salaried job.
UPDATE Forgot to mention this when I put up the post a few minutes ago. I am now on Twitter, but between what I consider a horrific interface as well as my schedule, I may not see everything. Or even come close to seeing everything. If anyone has any statements, questions, requests, epithets etc. which are vitally important, feel free to send them to robinecrew@gmail.com I'll update my profile later to add it in. Among other things I should probably do.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Living in Syndication
Before I continue with my personal editorial guidelines, a few pieces of news. First, thanks to popular demand (about two people) I've dug out my Twitter account. It's R_Crew. Maybe I'll even say some things on ocassion. Who knows what the future will bring?
Second, I attended my first pre-sales meeting at a major publisher the other day. Apart from one book which made me physically ill, the lineup was really, really great. Consequently, I could feel myself aging as I sat there. The imprint which was the focus of the meeting is all non-fiction. It was largely history and Poli-Sci. I mean, I always loved the stuff but I've never read commercial NF, really. That was something I associated with old men like my father, uncles and old family friends. So now I'm cranky, stooped and interested in NF? Hell. What have I become? Next time I get a haircut I'll probably ask them to trim the hair growing out of my ears.
So, on with my editing guidelines.
4) Show, don't tell. The old writer's rule is a rule for editors as well, in two different ways. First, getting writers to follow the rule when they lapse (as will happen even to the best writers on ocassion) and secondly, when offering suggestions for style or theme, tie it to specific parts of the manuscript. "This might be stronger if..." or "I think you're rushing this..." Saying "Dude, your pacing is shit." may be true, but give a few examples of where it speeds up or slows down that threw you.
5) I loves me some details. There is a fine line to walk detail wise. As I've pointed out time and again, my battle cry is more or less "Use it or lose it." I'm in favor of cutting pretty much anything unecessary. But the right details go a long, long way. Personally, I'm fond of things that are disturbing and visceral. Stuff that sounds totally crazy but hits you so directly and without apology that you find yourself totally unable to question the authenticity. For an example of how to do this, read Tim O'Brien. Any O'Brien will do. The Things They Carried might do it best. The abbreviated course is the chapter "How to Tell a True War Story." I don't think I've ever met anyone who actually liked O'Brien, at least not initially. But I think every Lit professor and editor I've ever mentioned him to swoons at the name. He's pretty much the holy grail of this style of writing. This is not reccomended reading. This is required reading far as I'm concerned. You can check out an early and inferior version of the story here, but I highly reccomend getting the book. It's a better investment by far for writers and editors alike than any how-to manual I've ever seen. If you don't like war stories, that's okay. It's not a war story. It's a love story. It's a ghost story. It's any story at all. O'Brien 4evar!
6)Non-standard dialogue tags are the devil's work. Seriously. Nine times out of ten, "ask" or "said" is all that you really need. And for shit's sake, do not say "asked quizically" or "spat angrily" or any such nonsense. Do not tell me the character was being sarcastic. Show me. For the questions, uplifted eyebrows. Cocked heads. Etc. Sarcasm is a flowing piece of the tone and not something you can conjure up when needed and banish when it's unwanted. As for spat angrily, it's simply redundant. Either make spat your tag (and be careful not to overuse) or simply use said and then show anger. Clenched fists. Raised voice. A deep frown. A flash in the eyes. You know. Showing. Setting a scene. Painting a picture. You may not be a sculptor, but goddamnit, writing is an art and it's the only art I know of where your biggest fans and biggest critics get to give feedback during the initial creation, so we've all got a responsobility to keep on our toes. This sort of amateur bullshit does not fly, gentle readers. It's about as aerodynamic as canned cranberry sauce. It does not strike me. It does not cut. It sort of giggles and blurbles.
Remember, gentle readers that good literature is like a punch in the stomach. It leaves a mark.
Next time: some format and style advice for graphic novelists.
Second, I attended my first pre-sales meeting at a major publisher the other day. Apart from one book which made me physically ill, the lineup was really, really great. Consequently, I could feel myself aging as I sat there. The imprint which was the focus of the meeting is all non-fiction. It was largely history and Poli-Sci. I mean, I always loved the stuff but I've never read commercial NF, really. That was something I associated with old men like my father, uncles and old family friends. So now I'm cranky, stooped and interested in NF? Hell. What have I become? Next time I get a haircut I'll probably ask them to trim the hair growing out of my ears.
So, on with my editing guidelines.
4) Show, don't tell. The old writer's rule is a rule for editors as well, in two different ways. First, getting writers to follow the rule when they lapse (as will happen even to the best writers on ocassion) and secondly, when offering suggestions for style or theme, tie it to specific parts of the manuscript. "This might be stronger if..." or "I think you're rushing this..." Saying "Dude, your pacing is shit." may be true, but give a few examples of where it speeds up or slows down that threw you.
5) I loves me some details. There is a fine line to walk detail wise. As I've pointed out time and again, my battle cry is more or less "Use it or lose it." I'm in favor of cutting pretty much anything unecessary. But the right details go a long, long way. Personally, I'm fond of things that are disturbing and visceral. Stuff that sounds totally crazy but hits you so directly and without apology that you find yourself totally unable to question the authenticity. For an example of how to do this, read Tim O'Brien. Any O'Brien will do. The Things They Carried might do it best. The abbreviated course is the chapter "How to Tell a True War Story." I don't think I've ever met anyone who actually liked O'Brien, at least not initially. But I think every Lit professor and editor I've ever mentioned him to swoons at the name. He's pretty much the holy grail of this style of writing. This is not reccomended reading. This is required reading far as I'm concerned. You can check out an early and inferior version of the story here, but I highly reccomend getting the book. It's a better investment by far for writers and editors alike than any how-to manual I've ever seen. If you don't like war stories, that's okay. It's not a war story. It's a love story. It's a ghost story. It's any story at all. O'Brien 4evar!
6)Non-standard dialogue tags are the devil's work. Seriously. Nine times out of ten, "ask" or "said" is all that you really need. And for shit's sake, do not say "asked quizically" or "spat angrily" or any such nonsense. Do not tell me the character was being sarcastic. Show me. For the questions, uplifted eyebrows. Cocked heads. Etc. Sarcasm is a flowing piece of the tone and not something you can conjure up when needed and banish when it's unwanted. As for spat angrily, it's simply redundant. Either make spat your tag (and be careful not to overuse) or simply use said and then show anger. Clenched fists. Raised voice. A deep frown. A flash in the eyes. You know. Showing. Setting a scene. Painting a picture. You may not be a sculptor, but goddamnit, writing is an art and it's the only art I know of where your biggest fans and biggest critics get to give feedback during the initial creation, so we've all got a responsobility to keep on our toes. This sort of amateur bullshit does not fly, gentle readers. It's about as aerodynamic as canned cranberry sauce. It does not strike me. It does not cut. It sort of giggles and blurbles.
Remember, gentle readers that good literature is like a punch in the stomach. It leaves a mark.
Next time: some format and style advice for graphic novelists.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Syndication and editing
Well, howdy there folks. Looks like my work is going to be syndicated on the official blog of the agency I work at. Some of you may have already noticed. The fun part about this is that it gives me a chance to actually edit this garbage. For a couple months I was banging away on the keyboard without any readers. Even once some started to arrive, I've mostly been typing these up in the half hour or so between work and night classes, amidst all the distractions of a university computer lab such as classmates. I'm there right now. My first piece you might recognize from here.
Thing is, the new version is very different. It's a lot more clear, I think, it's twice as long, too. It's also slightly toned down because I need to be "professional." Bah. Professionalism is the bane of my existance. I jes' calls 'em like I sees 'em. Regardless, having an opportunity to clean up this junk is proving to be quite amusing. Yes, I know. I'm some kind of freak who gets off on editing. What did you think readers do in their free time? Not read? Piffle.
So to celebrate my glorious syndication, for the next few posts, I'll be giving you some insight into my standby editing rules. These apply more to editing other people's text than your own, though. I think I've got strange tastes, but classical styles of editing. Regardless, this is only how I do it and shouldn't be treated as some kind of universal manual.
Rule Number 1: The editor is not the writer. Our concern should be purely one of clarity and efficacy. Therefore, feedback should be maximum, but commands should be minimal. Allow the author to exercise their craft without boxing them into a corner. Nudging, not controlling is the name of the game.
Rule Number 2:Use it or lose it. It drives me batty when a story introduces details, characters and side stories that go nowhere. Do you have a lengthy opening that you wrote to set the scene for yourself? Cut it. Do you have to characters that fill the same role? Cut one of them out. As you can see, I'm a cutter. It may seem unpleasant at first, but once you take the plunge, it'll feel so good. C'mon. All the cool kids are doing it. You want to be cool, don't you? In all seriousness, there quickly comes a point in books where the information is overflow and you're hurting yourself. Don't.
Rule Number 3: Scan your page quickly. Is there more than one paranthetical, ellipse, dash, or semi-colon? If so, you have some other questions that need to be answered. Is it intentional? Is it part of the style? Is the style consistent? What does it bring to the manuscript? Is it more effective with or without it? My friends, often fine writers go ultra heavy on ellipses and I can't stand it.
Will your manuscript survive? Has the editor backed you into a corner? Don't miss the exciting conclusion to Robin's Rules of Editing, same blog time, same blog channel. Or whenever I feel like it.
Thing is, the new version is very different. It's a lot more clear, I think, it's twice as long, too. It's also slightly toned down because I need to be "professional." Bah. Professionalism is the bane of my existance. I jes' calls 'em like I sees 'em. Regardless, having an opportunity to clean up this junk is proving to be quite amusing. Yes, I know. I'm some kind of freak who gets off on editing. What did you think readers do in their free time? Not read? Piffle.
So to celebrate my glorious syndication, for the next few posts, I'll be giving you some insight into my standby editing rules. These apply more to editing other people's text than your own, though. I think I've got strange tastes, but classical styles of editing. Regardless, this is only how I do it and shouldn't be treated as some kind of universal manual.
Rule Number 1: The editor is not the writer. Our concern should be purely one of clarity and efficacy. Therefore, feedback should be maximum, but commands should be minimal. Allow the author to exercise their craft without boxing them into a corner. Nudging, not controlling is the name of the game.
Rule Number 2:Use it or lose it. It drives me batty when a story introduces details, characters and side stories that go nowhere. Do you have a lengthy opening that you wrote to set the scene for yourself? Cut it. Do you have to characters that fill the same role? Cut one of them out. As you can see, I'm a cutter. It may seem unpleasant at first, but once you take the plunge, it'll feel so good. C'mon. All the cool kids are doing it. You want to be cool, don't you? In all seriousness, there quickly comes a point in books where the information is overflow and you're hurting yourself. Don't.
Rule Number 3: Scan your page quickly. Is there more than one paranthetical, ellipse, dash, or semi-colon? If so, you have some other questions that need to be answered. Is it intentional? Is it part of the style? Is the style consistent? What does it bring to the manuscript? Is it more effective with or without it? My friends, often fine writers go ultra heavy on ellipses and I can't stand it.
Will your manuscript survive? Has the editor backed you into a corner? Don't miss the exciting conclusion to Robin's Rules of Editing, same blog time, same blog channel. Or whenever I feel like it.
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