Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Why I Shouldn't be Allowed to Watch Children's Movies

1) I like 'em dark. The Nightmare Before Christmas is one of my all time favorites. Not that Corpse Bride, Caroline, or whatever that thing that's coming out this summer are as good, but I likes 'em twisted. Faster we corrupt our youth, the sooner we get over our disappointment about how they turn out, right?
2) I like 'em weird, too. Second favorite children's movie after TNBC? Wall-E. Half of it seems artsy. The other half is just slapstick.
3) I think more villains need to be violently torn to shreds a la Oogie Boogie from TNBC. All this falling-off-a-cliff-especially-after-the-hero-tries-to-save-them is just lame. Kids also need to learn what hero means. It means, depending on the circumstance "glorified sacrifice" or "the murderer with popular support."
4)I can't be the only one who noticed that The Lion King is basically Hamlet with animals and Elton John. The biggest difference, apart from the lack of everybody dying at the end was the transformation of Rosencratz and Gildenstern (not dead!) from bungling backstabbers to bungling saviors. Eh. It's always made me wonder about the relation between Scar and Simba's mother.
5) Speaking of Disney, anyone else remember that in "Friend Like Me" Genie has a line about how "Ali Baba had them forty thieves"? And yet, in the straight to video third Aladdin movie Ali Baba turns out to be Al's father. So how, if Genie spent 10,000 years in the cave of wonder could he have known who Ali Baba was? And if he has some magical ability to pull information out of the ether, why didn't he known that Ali Baba was Al's father? Continuity, people. It is your friend. And though making our children sad and cynical is perfectly legit, a lack of continuity breaks the connection between cause and effect. If we teach them that cause is not connected to effect, then what? They'll be robbing liquor stores before you know it.
6) I spent the entire time I was watching Tangled, that movie version of Rapunzel thinking about the pros and cons of using a bag of infinite holding as a hair net. For those who aren't familiar, bags of infinite holding are a D&D item that open into another dimension and allow the user to carry more stuff. So, on the plus side, it could hold all her hair and more. On the down side, what if it slips over her head and she gets lost forever in an alternate world? Can you say "sequal"?
7) From the old Disney Robin Hood - "A minute before he knows we're there, ol' Rob'll snatch his underwear." Really? His underwear? What do you want that for? Does Marion know about this? You're making me embarassed to be named after you.
8) I'm sure everyone in the world has commented on it, but isn't it odd how the leading ladies in children's movies seem to wear so little clothing (see: Jasmine, Ariel etc.)? And when they are well clothed, it's very tight (See: Rapunzel in Tangled, or Princess Fiona in Shrek)? Well, not that I'm complaining, mind you. Just seems out of place. I guess that's more for the parents, eh?
9) And yet the Muppets have been around for forty years with bizarro puppets. No breasts in sight. Clearly, puppets are made of magic.
10) Oh man. A new Snow White? Live action and silly and ADHD? Didn't they just make one of those? Oh, wait. No. That was German. Well whatever. I met my Snow White quota for the decade.
11) Why top 11? Because I like to go one step beyond. Oh wait, sorry. Thought I was the Nostalgia Critic there for a second what with this bullshitting about movies and whatnot. Speaking of which though, when the hell is he going to do top 11 moments from One Step Beyond? Well, whatever. Okay. An 11th thing. I know you're eager to hear more of my aimless rambling. But. Hmmm. Can't think of one.

Wait. What are you doing with that ax? Put it down, man. Let's talk this over. Nooooo! No dissasemble Robin #5! Life is not a malfunction! Except when it is! Which would be the case here, but even so!

Well, if I survive the brutal onslaught of imaginary hate-mailers (so clearly, I'm one to talk about cause and effect) feel free to come back on Friday when I'll be doing...something.

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