It was going to be a very long day. It was only Duane's second day back from vacation and already his job seemed worse than we he left it. His right ear was literally burning from the heat of the telephone pressed against it. Roy Baumann Jr. of Baumann, Baumann and Sons was regaling him with the tale of how he found his third wife, Sandra, cheating on him with his second wife, Cindy, and how he felt a slight suspicion at the time, totally unfounded, he was sure, but still he felt the slight suspicion that the two women were in league and just after his money.
"So, when Wife number four rolls around, she could have legs up to her eyeballs but we still get a pre-nup." Roy blathered over the phone. Duane hadn't thought that a whiny baritone voice could exist before he met Roy Baumann Jr. He then realized it was simply wishful thinking.
"You've been saying that since Wife number one, sir." Duane informed his boss. Roy Baumann Jr. of Baumann, Baumann and Sons proceeded to explain himself, laying it on thick and making excuses and acting for all the world like he was some great teacher and father figure for Duane Richards. Duane heard none of it. His mind wandered back to the hobo from Reno. A man almost as inept and out of touch with reality as Roy Baumann Jr. of Baumann, Baumann and Sons. A man Duane easily talked into being murdered for money. His silent revenge. Duane wanted to smile at the memory of it. He didn't. He couldn’t. It felt empty. A pointless victory. There would always be more idiots in his way.
Duane used his free hand to hit refresh on his personal e-mail account. Nothing. He checked the company e-mail. Nothing interesting. Personal e-mail again. Afterall, one could never be to sure. And his faith certainly paid off when Ticketmaster informed him that there was a special on tickets to see the Wiggles perform live. It was about that point when Duane began considering whether or not his letter opener was sharp enough to slit his wrists. He was saved from this line of thought when Miss Davies, the receptionist walked into his small office.
"Hold that thought, Roy." Duane said, mashing the hold button as fast as he could. "To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure of your presence, Miss Davies?" Even to himself, Duane had sounded unusually abrupt with Roy and disgustingly sweet in addressing the slightly dumpy, middle aged woman before him. She raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. Duane liked that in functionaries. Intelligent enough to understand what goes on, and intelligent enough to keep their noses out of it.
"There's a man outside demanding to see you."
"And does he have an appointment, Miss Davies?" Duane asked, his sweet tone quickly approaching the level of inducing diabetes.
"No." Miss Davies said simply. Duane almost shivered as the secretary spoke. Not a single useless word. Marvelous. The contrast between Miss Davies and Roy Baumann Jr. of Baumann, Baumann and Sons was enormous.
"I see. Well, send him in anyway." Duane missed it when Miss Davies' mouth fell slightly. He was back on the phone explaining to Roy that he had a meeting to attend to. He was very sorry, really, but this is a pretty big deal. Yes, a new retailer interested in their wares. Just a couple shops in the city, but hey. Every little bit counts.
Duane Richardson never met anybody without any appointment. Any time not spent sweet talking clients, and struggling to hide his contempt for them, was spent staying in the good graces of the company’s CEO by babysitting his first born. Miss Davies didn't let it bother her for long and promptly showed the visitor into Duane's office.
He was a tall, clean shaven man with a mop of hair that went almost down to his shoulders in the back, but was narrow like a pony tail. The man wore an expensive pinstriped Gucci suit and shoes and sunglasses so dark they seemed to suck the light out of the room. "Mr. Richards, this is Mister Ambrose D'Agosto." This time it was Duane's mouth which fell open.
Wow, this is really bizarre/interesting. I really like Duane, well I don't like him at all actually, but I like that I don't like him..hehe. Great character development of his boss too. Ambrose's scene where he is imagining himself becoming rich is really good. Great voice. The only part that slightly confused me was Ambrose's 'dream/after death vision' scene. It took me a moment to re-orient myself to the narrator, and it might have helped if you'd mentioned the hole in his chest or something else to remind us about Ambrose. I'd totally read more. Is this a finished ms? Or are you just writing it for fun on the blog? I like the creepy weirdness of it.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I appreciate the feedback.
ReplyDeleteIt's finished, but technically this is really just a rough draft. I wrote the first and second halves months apart, so I think the quality might drop off after this, which means I'll be in even more need of critiquing. The odd part is that I always counsel against short stories with dual protagonists. But when I started writing it felt good and I couldn't see anything discombobulating about it, so I kept going. I'll see what I can come up with to ease the transitions. Thanks again.
I always seem to end up with two POV's in my books..not sure why. I think the biggest challenge is figuring out a way to instantly let the reader know who is 'talking' when you transition. Maybe you could have one of them do something all the time when you transition, like making a grocery list, (obviously you wouldn't do that but you know what I mean). My POV tend to be easier to distinguish because one is male and one is female, so I haven't had to do it with two characters of the same sex. Still, I think if you'd just said something like, "It sucks to have a hole in your chest", or something like that, I'd have known we were back to Ambrose again. I want to read more. Will you keep posting?
ReplyDeleteIt works better for books. You have more space to develop two characters, and chapters are a natural break point. It's third either way, but possibly a difference in the tone of the narrator. Hmmm. Anyway, yeah, I'll have to look closer. I chose to post an existing story rather than one I was in the middle of to avoid it just sort of stopping, like with 2nd. I want to speed up the posting process though, so the posts might get longer.
ReplyDelete