Consider My Eyebrows Raised Part I

1) Don’t start a query with biographical information. Seriously, don’t. Every now and then someone defies this and it works. Or almost works. What is a master writer after all if not one who can bend the rules and be all the stronger for it? Thing is, you’ve got to bend and break rules before you get good at them. I was actually kind of intrigued when a query opens by telling me that The Golden Girls got them off their asses and convinced them to finish their book. It’s a whole lot better than when authors open with “Hello. I am a forty year old house wife, and as such, I have extensive knowledge of PANCAKES.” I mean, who cares? French toast is better anyway. Seriously though, the Golden Girls author’s letter fell down only because they didn’t tie this into either their novel or their actual biography. Like an experiment they forgot to follow through on. Do or do not. There is no try.

2) Bolding the “Mr.” before McVeigh. Why?

3) “You don’t know me.” Should I? And does anybody really know anyone else? Look deep and tell me you know everything about yourself much less others. Also, the Buddha is a pound of Flax and the sound of one hand clapping is not going to inspire an encore.

4) “I’m really new at this.” I can see that. “Advice plz?” No. “K’thnkx bai!” Indeed.

5) Tell me you love something when the facts don’t support such an assertion. For instance, self proclaimed myth lovers. Hercules is the ROMAN name. In Greek, he’s Heracles. Ovid is also Roman. Loki is USUALLY regarded as a god in Norse mythology and not as a Giant. He does have several children with giants however, such as Fenrir, who is kept in prison by the warrior Tyr who is NOT a woman. Those who practice Wicca are referred to as Wiccans, NOT Wiccas, and don’t start about the generations because Wicca is 50 years old. If your character claims to be from a long line of Wiccas, I swear on your various ludicrous beliefs that I will hurt you. Badly.

6) Repeatedly resubmitting your stuff. Okay, resubmitting it once I can understand. You sent lots of queries. You don’t remember us having rejected you. Fine. Whatever. But sending it every month for four and five months straight? Starting to get old, buddy.

7) On a random note, I’ve spent plenty of time refining my phrasing when I have to ask an author to resubmit including their writing sample. Been successful though. Almost no one attaches it anymore (paste!) and virtually everyone pastes it in AFTER the query letter so that it looks like it always should have, rather than having the sample sit on top of the query. Honestly, I think that’s a good thing. Reminds me what I’m looking at because I have to scroll through the letter again to get to the sample.