Luella Critique

Okay. Well here we are. The first page w/comments on The Luella, a space pirate adventure romance paranormal revenge thing. Not sure why I hold these contests mid month. I've been sitting on this for weeks. Oh wells.
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A blond haired, black eyed, Cut that comma bastion of a man rolled in his cot and groaned. Blood soaked his blankets, running in rivers until it puddled at its lowest point before dropping in a stream of crimson beads on the floor I know what you’re trying to say but it’s hard to express. I’d simplify this. Easiest fix without losing the puddle on the blanket is to simply remove “at its lowest point.” . The wound was deep, but far from lethal if he had allowed it to be treated. He wanted to die, and that was that This kicks off some serious telling. Show me this stuff. Try replacing with a simple “He had not.” Or even removing it. Afterwards, I might skip all the way down to the dialogue. Ease us in a little.. If there was a reason for his will to spiral off the mortal coil, it was because he hated himself. To put a finer point on the matter, he hated the entire galaxy. Ow. My head. Stop hitting me over it.More importantly he hated one woman. That is, loved and hated her, separated only by a thin line in the sand that fueled his long, blood-drenched career.
“Cap’n, yer wound… ” Ellipses are bad. Also, who is talking? Does it matter?“To hell with it,” the Captain growled.
“But it can be fixed… ” Nix it {the ellipsis}“I did not ask you to tell me what I already know,” said the Captain. “Where is the General?”
“He just rounded Gilar.”
The Captain winced and gasped in pain. Slowly bleeding to death was taking longer than he expected. Pure win!
“There isn’t time. You must intercept the boy.”
The Captain’s First Mate leaned back in his chair, away from the light of the lamp. He did not want the Captain to see the skeptical expression painted on his visage.
“You can’t fool me,” said the Captain. “I know you don’t approve.”
“I don’t think yer ready to be tossed over the railin’,” said the First Mate. Lacks conviction. Maybe it’s the “yer” and the “railin’” that makes it hard to take seriously. Probably more the fact that we’re not sure why this would get him tossed over and, being that he’s bleeding to death, doesn’t seem that important. Maybe replace with “are you trying to get yourself killed.” And then cut the Captain’s response to “Now is as good a time as any.”
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Thinking about it, I have an odd way of editing. I don't try and fix everything. I just go into such detail about the biggest stuff that I shame authors into learning to self correct. I wonder if that's good or bad? Either way, it keeps me amused. Leave no dead horse unbeaten. That's my motto. For instance, a battle weary, blood thirsty pirate, vicious and mean and possibly with an attraction to his former captain was afraid to talk about sex at one point. To me that's either a serious character trait to be mentioned several times in order to build up to a major plot point OR it just falls apart because it doesn't seem realistic. Admittedly, I only saw the first twenty but it seemed more like the latter. Did I explain that to the poor author? Or did I do a parody of the Monty Python dead parrot sketch except with synonyms for sex rather than death? I think the answer is obvious. It's called the dead pirate sex sketch. When one pirate used his "massively heavy hand" to "savegely tear a tuft of hair" did I say, "cutting a few words would make it stronger" or did I make up my own scene to highlight the absurdity?

Pirate: Ha! I knew it was a rug.
Theodore: No! You’ve pulled the rug out from over me!
Pirate *Drawing sword*: It’s carpets for you.

You know something? I'm a huge asshole. Seriously. Any of you guys still interested in letting me actally see your WIP? I don't get to savage things when I'm on official business. And I gotta say, the savagery is what gets me up in the morning. What do you say? Any other volunteers? Anyone else want to be a hero?

Meantime, I hope it was actually helpful. Particularly to the author, but to all's y'all as well if there's anything you can glean from it.