Five Days finale?

Finally we’re coming to the end (days 3, 4 and 5, I guess?) of our bizarre query mini-series. This time I’m just going to bang out the details really fast. I hate having to spell everything out. Best if you can see the problem yourself.

Autistic Baby Super Heroes- Got a query from a woman bemoaning the lack of literary heroes for the autistic-and-under-ten crowd. So naturally she felt she’d fill it with an autistic super hero toddler whose sidekick is his talking spandex costume. If I recall, their nemesis is a hanger. I’m not sure if that was supposed to be some veiled morality play about how abortion is evil or if I’m just an awful human being for thinking that. Oh, and she’s a psychic medium who communicates with severely autistic children who can’t speak. After reading her query, I had only two questions-would she hold a grudge? And as a psychic medium would she be able to track me down?

Smartass- Got one query from a guy with a fairly interesting but familiar sounding story. The query letter was about a paragraph long and riddled with typos, which was par for the course. The manuscript was a mess. Then I realized it sounded familiar because it was virtually identical to Wiseguys, the book Good Fellas is based on. Some time after rejecting him, he sent a followup telling us that we were fools and he’s glad “none of you blood sucking agents” signed him because he printed it POD, made a site, a trailer, and was selling it personally. And after two months of making promoting it his full time job and spending several thousand dollars, he sold five hundred copies. Yeah. Really sorry I missed out on working with such a pleasant, upwardly mobile fellow.

Mr. Everyman- Got a query recently from this older fellow. Actually, he seemed like he’d be a great guy to talk to at a barbecue or something. But his book was a memoir. About his totally ordinary life. That was his tagline. The ordinary life of an ordinary man. Sure, he was personable and clever, but what’s the hook to the memoir? Still, it might’ve been worth perusing until I saw the table of contents. It had a hundred chapters or so. A total word count of 324,000+ words. In the face of such verbosity, what can I say?