Top 5

I was tempted to write a response to something a reader posted on Twitter, re: the quality of the modern rejection letter, but no. The lists are calling me. I mean, you guys heard Liu Bei. The lists must live again. And so I present the top 5 most non-existant bands of 2010

#5: Insolent Whelp Heavy Metal. Founded by Johnny Archer in 2008, the band's name is the nickname Johnny earned from his third grade teacher. Archer is the son of an upper class banker in London, and his mother is of noble descent. Archer was discovered in a night club performing a cover of George Thorogood's "Get a haircut and get a real job." Since then, his first album "Bugger off, mate" has taken him to the tops of the British charts and is receiving world wide attention, turning him into the next Coldplay. Johnny made headlines earlier this year when his father's bank shut down and despite rolling in money, he told his father to "grow your hair out and get a decent job."

#4: Egad's Zukes Retro Rock. Picking up where the Stray Cats left off, Egad's Zukes (formerly Egad and the men in Zuke Suits, formerly Egad and the Flying Trapeze)having a surprising string of top twenty pop rock pieces inspired by 1950s rock and roll. Each piece is an original, but they've been a mainstay on classic rock stations since their first album was released in Spring 2009.

#3: Struwwel Peter Gunn Instrumental Hard Rock. A german band of unusual taste, Struwwel Peter Gunn has found a surprisingly large audience for a band many would have been inclined to dismiss as "just another German death metal" band. Namely, each of their pieces is an original based on gothic folklore and 19th century morality tales, whose sound is as much inspired by the likes of Dick Dale and Duane Eddy as their contemporary metal associates. Their second album, Iron Heinrich Hoffmann, named after the Grimm Brothers tale "Iron Heinrich", also known as the tale of the Frog Prince, and Heinrich Hoffmann, author of Struwwel Peter, is expected to be released later this year. A runaway hit throughout Europe, the American release of their first album, "Something Wicked" met with lackluster sales in the states due to the complete inability of the average American to read, and consequently not picking up on the band's theme.

#2: The Un-PC Six Glam rock. Move over Scissor Sisters, because this band is the biggest thing to hit glam rock since David Bowie. the Un-PC Six is famously made up of the white guy, the black guy, the yellow guy, the red guy, the woman who thinks she's a guy and a dwarf. Even if you can't stand their music, you can no longer avoid the ubiquitous name and images of the band now known as much for their personal squabbling as for their extraordinarily creative and high budget live performances. According to our sources, band members have confirmed that any publicity is good publicity. The sources say ticket sales skyrocketed after the volcanic love triangle between White, Red, and the woman who thinks she's a guy hit papers, and then again when their original dwarf sued the band for replacing him because he wasn't short enough.

#1: Los Autores Locos con Sombreros Grande General Rock. Coming completely out of left field, this highly multinational band of aspiring writers hit the zeitgeist dead on and saw their first album go platinum after only three months, defying all logic, especially at a time when complete album sales appear to be on the rocks due to sales of individual songs through services such as iTunes. What is the secret of their sucess? Several things. For starters is their tendency towards large hats. On stage, each member of the band is only known by the oversized hat he wears. Lead gutarist Jose Antonio for instance is officially known as "pirate hat", drummer Chuck Weber is "top hat" and so on. Secondly, their songs, both original and covers are performed in the style and languages of more than ten countries, sung by band members who speak the language as a native. In performance, blue screens behind the band display karaoke style sing-along text in each of those languages for every song. And finally, their first album, "Universal Language" is brilliantly produced with an image of iconic American writer Edgar Allan Poe dressed in a white, rhinestone riddled suit and an oversized pompadour.

So there you have it. The top five most non-existant bands of the year. Don't you wish they were real? Somtimes being an idea person sucks, because after making stuff up, you have to come back to the real world and wonder what we did to deserve it.