Oh, the humanity

You might be thinking to yourself, Robin you bastard! Why are you always so damn negative about everything? Why is every piece of advice what shouldn't be said or done? What people do wrong?

Honestly it's because I can fix more with less intrusion by highlighting what needs reevaluation rather than either A) being nice and sweet and thereby failing to convey what needs to be done or B) trying to hold your hand and walk you step by step through whatever it is with constant encouragement. I ain't a kindergarten teacher, and the chances are that regardless of what yours may have told you that you aren't special. Seriously. Go look at a dictionary. See what it has to say on the subject.

But that's no excuse for being a huge jerk! You act like you're not human, like you don't make mistakes. Don't you have emotions? A heart? Don't you realize what an ass you sound like?

Sigh. Both my hobbies and my job revolve around helping people make things better, so it's sort of a given. That said, of course I make mistakes. Of course I have a heart and of course I have emotions. Jury's still out regarding my essential humanity, but point is, sure. I fuck up. And I feel bad when I do. Yes, my life is about helping people make their books better. Does this mean I'm an expert writer? No, it means I've got an analytical personality and an interest in literature.

Thus, critically acclaimed writer Michael C. White, author of A Dream of Wolves and Marked Men, amongst other titles once said this of my work:

"I can see how someone might think this is funny. I don't. Frankly, I think it's idiotic."

And he was my professor. AND HE LIKED ME. Mostly because I brought a lot to the conversation and was useful for other students. Now, why would he say that? We're talking about a very talented guy with years of experience as a professional writer, editor, and professor. The story in question was a prototype chapter for my collection of shorts "The Metromorphoses" a parody of Ovid's classical Metamorphoses updated to modern settings. Specifically, it followed a man named Frank who tried to solve the problems in his life by undergoing plastic surgery to resemble an Oscar Meyer Weiner (because everyone loves an Oscar Meyer Weiner) but the surgery is botched and he comes out of it as an Armour hot dog (the dog kids love to bite) and is summarily devoured by a hungry mob. I guess the moral is that plastic surgery is bad? I dunno. I laughed, but even I knew the actual writing was terrible. What's a serious, proffesional editor to do when confronted with something intentionally stupid and then poorly written? Well, he might've sugar coated for someone else. Me he knew and pretty much said "this is awful. What's your problem? You're smarter than this. Moron."

God I miss that man's classes. And college in general. Now, I'm just a bitter old man. *sigh*

See? I have feelings. They're just all negative feelings.