The Fatman in Briefs: Theme Months

Every damn time I turn around, there’s another theme month. Last month was zombie awareness. Apparently June is both LGBT pride month (hasn’t there been at least one already this year?) and Adopt-a-cat month. Seriously. Adopt a cat. Why does everybody get a theme month but me? When is fat white middle class suburbanite month?

Well, whatever. In honor of these themes, I present to you my opinion on the subjects. And of course, my opinion is the be all and end all and I’m sure you care.

So first, gay people. Such a big explosive issue. Just mentioning the word is an instant ticket straight into the zeitgeist, ain’t it? But listen, I’m a New Yorker. We practice equality and tolerance in the strictest, most absolute way anywhere in the world. By not caring at all. Let me define New Yorker: A New Yorker is one who walks into H&R Block with a stack of papers up to the ceiling, sits down with an accountant who turns out to be a blue skinned, nine foot tall, puppy eating, uranium shitting venutian and doesn’t blink an eye unless that Venutian happens to be a very bad accountant. In short, I think it’s kind of gross, but it ain’t my ass. So do whatever floats your boat, folks. And feel free to insert jokes here about “mast heads” and “poop decks” and “salty sea men.” If it’s really clever, you can pretend I said it.

Cats: I love cats. There’s only one thing I’d want to do to make them even better. It’s a dream I’ve had since I was a wee tot. Or more accurately, since I was in highschool. If I had Photoshop, I’d whip up a sample image to show you how wonderful it could be, but suffice to say, I hope to one day miniaturize cats and teach them to stand on your shoulder like a bird. I will call these “Paracats.” See, it sounds like “parakeet.” But it’s not. It’s a cat. That goes meow. But stands on your shoulder. Think about it. Are you thinking about it? Good.