Thursday, December 30, 2010

Year End Wrap Up Part IV: Demography

You know, there are so many other, probably cooler things I could do for my final year end wrap up. I had some pretty hilarious recollections of my life written out in screenplay format. Like, me getting beaten up as a child. Or striking out badly (how was I to know that epic poetry doesn't count as poetry when trying to pick up girls?). But let's be honest. Let's be clear about who I am what I stand for. Transperancy. Reaching across the aisle. Maverickism. Or TRAAM for short. That's my platform and that's my promise. So today I thought I'd discuss you. All of you. My beautiful and loyal constituents (vote for me).


Geography: I wish it'd break down where readers' are in more detail than merely country, but I'll deal. As you might imagine, it's almost all American. That's fine, except that there's one little thing. The agency gets a lot of queries from Canadian authors, both first time and already established. I've got nothing against that. But I have few enough hits from Canada that one could reasonably dismiss it as coincidence they found the place at all. Seriously. There are half as many Koreans who've seen this blog. And South Africans. And a lot of other things. There's actually twice as many hits from Russia. So a word to my writerly colleagues in the Great White North: Don't be such hosers, eh.

Browser and OS: About 46% of viewers use internet explorer. Then there's roughly 25 each for Firefox and Safari, then a host of other things I didn't really look at. Presumably smart phone browsers or something. Or maybe from the South Africans. Who knows? Interestingly though, Microsoft has 50% of the OS but Apple's got 40. 40 is a substantially larger number than the 25 commanded by its primary browser. 40 is also enormously more than the 10% or so of the market that apple machines make up. It's all good. As Basil Fawlty would say, I'm attracting the right customers. If not the elites, then at least the elitists.

Awww come on! I kid. I kid 'cuz I love. Really. I do. Please don't leave. Vote for meeeeeee. Don't you know-nothings know anything? Why, if it weren't for that generous campaign contribution Jobs gave me I'd never have secretly abused my authority to get him a transplant. Bosom buddies. That's what we are. As loyalists to Jobs it is your duty as good, God fearing Americans to VOTE FOR ME. I am not a crook.

Referral sites: Almost all of this actually comes from my bio over at the McVeigh Agency website. Anyone find me a different way? I'm reaching across the aisle to you. Speak up. Or I'll cry. Regardless, there are ocassional little bumps in traffic because someone will tweet about me, add me to their list of of links on their own blog, or do other things like that. Which is super cool of you all. I appreciate the votes. For me.

Total numbers: The biggest traffic actually came in October. I think this little blog o' mine first really went public towards the end of September when it wound up in the aforementioned staff bio at work. Presumably many people flooded in when it first went up and then left. Or they just don't check as regularly as they did in the beggining. It went from almost 1,200 in October to a little over 700 in November. Arrgh, my ego! However, it's at nearly 800 for December (and we've got this post yet!). I feel that this is evidence of a steady upward trend as our brand (me) gains traction with the core demograpbhics and jargon, jargon, jargon, buzzword, buzzword, buzzword. Long story short, I dunno if those numbers are good or not. But I'm pretty happy with it. And I'd like to keep those numbers rising slow and steady. Long as they're back up for the next election cycle.

Design: The design of the site is pretty much what it was from the start. I've been experimenting with different things in the sidebar, but I've never been a bells and whistles kind of guy. Apart from making the links garish and therefore easy to see, I've left a default template almost untouched because the brutal simplicity of white on black works well with my heavy handed soap box nonsense.

What you're doing: Jesus christ. Stop producing so much stuff. I still need to read Damien Walter Grintalis' piece that we represent. It's already been through the editorial ringer though and I wasn't one of the original people to do so. It's going to be a strange coversation with the boss. And that sample I linked to a while back for Jeremy Shipp's got me curious, so I should probably buy one of his. Meanwhile, I read several followers' blogs, though I rarely if ever post. I try to follow some people on Twitter. I should do more of both but... Why are you fuckers so prolific? I can't keep that shit straight. I follow like ten people and I already need Tweetdeck or whatever because I can't figure out where one conversation starts and another one ends. Or who is in on what? That's why I'm proud to announce that I'm making Travis the Howler Monkey my Official Campaign Social Media Guru or OC-SMEG (He's a real smeg head.) for short. I wanted Eduardo, my Thesis monkey for the job, but frankly, he had better things to do than to (how shall I put this?) monkey around on that godforsaken Twitterverse. Although you'll note I now follow God on Twitter. And God follows Justin Bieber. Truly, he works in mysterious ways.

In conclusion: Vote for me.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Year End Wrap Up Part III: Presolutions

Success
**I will not scoff at heavy handed religious moralism this holiday season. I actually managed to do this. I was so busy all the time that I couldn’t spare a thought for morality. ‘Sides, there was plenty else to scoff at or be otherwise annoyed with. First and foremost would be the myriad people who traveled a thousand miles to the heart of Manhattan to LOOK AT A TREE. Seems sort of backwards, doesn’t it?
**I will not play Dick Dale's version of Hava Nagila very loudly when carolers appear. I didn’t even have to pretend to be Jewish. I guess the Bear traps, pit traps, trip wires, and claymore rigged mines did the trick. I watched The Hebrew Hammer just to be safe, but I’m a little sorry I didn’t get to crack out my Billy Crystal impression. I can fool the best of them. You know what the old Jewish ladies tell their daughters and granddaughters? They say “Why don’t you settle down with that nice Crew boy? He’s quite a kvetch.”

*Drum roll*

HAI-YO!
**I will not publically humiliate myself more than twice a day. Easy fo’ reezy. Once you realize that humiliation is all in the mind, you can train yourself not to be embarrassed no matter what a huge ass you are. Supposedly some people even make a very good living that way. I’ll have to look into it.

** I will groan 30% less while reading the average query. Mission accomplished. All I had to do was reject ‘em 30% sooner.

Maybe?
**There is someone I would like to hurt very badly. I will not do this, although this is less a pre-resolution than a result of my confounded pacifism and legal concerns.
** I will conquer my pacifism.
** Pacifism defeated, I will conquer the world. I will then rewrite the legal standards and be free to hurt that person very badly. For everyone else, beer and skittles.
So I haven’t actually taken over the world yet, but I’ve made some really impressive progress. Remember that post I made on December 11th? About American Nerd by Benjamin Nugent? Originally I’d planned that for a few weeks earlier but I was held up by a group called U.N.I.O.N. (Underground Nerd Information Obstruction Network). They’re a cabal of hackers that secretly rule the world from their mother’s basements. Or so they claim. They found some stuff on my hard drive, confronted me (some things they didn’t want posted- leaking of trade secrets), and long story short, I gave the first State of the U.N.I.O.N address a few weeks back, organized that hack on Citibank etc. in defense of Wikileaks, and basically, I’ve been organizing my greasy, brilliant sub-human compatriots. Soon, very soon the promised world of Beer and Skittles shall be here.

Fail?

**I will actually edit at least one of my own works in progress. Okay, yeah. No. I meant to do this between Christmas and New Years but after having apparently fallen off the face of the earth for four months, friends and family were crawling out of the wood work and demanding my constant attention. Boo. Well, joke’s on me. Shoulda seen it coming.
**I will whip my writing group into shape. To be fair, the productive part of the group has been more productive. The rest have become even less productive though. I dunno if you can even call it a dedicated writing group anymore.

Epic Fail!

**I will get a heart even if it means finding the Wizard. Okay, for the new year, I’ve decided to reword to “I will obtain a heart even if I must tear it from the wizard’s chest. Because frankly, my odds of success go way up under those conditions.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Year end wrap up Part II

My top five coolest bands discovered this year list continues! I meant to do it all at once, but there was more information than I thought. This should be a quicker section. Good, eh? Who wants to read about my crazy bands on Christmas? Get a life.

So, last time we left off with the Red Elvises and how they got me on a surf rock kick, and how one of those surf rock bands had a psychadelic edge. So that's where we'll pick up.

Dukes of the Stratosphear: After I played the (superior studio version) of this Red Elvis song for a friend, he commented that it reminded him of the Dukes. The who? I asked? The Duke of Earl? Don't ask. The Duke of Earl (or just "the Duke" for short is a running gag in my family). But no, the Dukes of the Stratosphear are basically an alternate name for XTC for them to concentrate on super funky pseudo psychadelia. I'm really not sure precisely what their problem is, but I think they're more fun as the Dukes than as XTC anyway. Coolsville, daddio.

Fifth and finally, because I know you're expecting something I found in some roundabout way from this tenuous connection to the Red Elvises, I present to you a band which has absolutely nothing to do with any of the rest of this which was quite simply placed in front of me by my brother. And that band is

Me First and the Gimme Gimmmes: I'm not really even sure what to say about this band because I don't know them that well. Here's what I know. They have a weird membership of people who come to them from other bands, and lots of...guest band members? The other thing I can say is that they do hard rock and heavy metal covers of folk rock and other random stuff (Somewhere Over the Rainbow? Really?.)My favorite is Blowin' in the Wind, which only takes a minute and a half the way they do it. Now that's talent. But check out that version of who put the bomp in the whatever. 'Cuz that's hardcore.

Well there you have it. The best five bands I first encountered this year. Join me next time as I examine my success with my Rejectionist pre-resolutions and then, if all goes well, on January first we'll dive into my promised editing for readers. I've already been told that "the edits were made of pure awesomeness. They'll help immensely. You should, like get a job in publishing or something."

Awww gee. It wouldn't feel right to get paid to help improve manuscripts. Which I guess if I work in publishing will never be a worry.

(Insert sound of drums rolling here).

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Year end wrap up part I

So, a while back I decided to start doing lists again, as I used to do for a humor column back in college. For the most part, those were lists of the top five most non-existent things I’d like to see. Now that I’m an old man and even graduate school is now behind me, it’s time to temper idealism with some reality. So without further ado, here are the best five bands I was first introduced to in the past year.

1.The Red Elvises: This is where this year’s musical journey all began. Thanksgiving, 2009 my crazy Godfather insisted I watch a movie called Six String Samurai. Well, I got a Netflix subscription for Christmas, so I went ahead and put it on my list, and I’ve come to regard it as the best worst movie ever made. Ed Wood can suck it. First of all, I’d highly recommend the movie which involves Buddy Holly kicking ass in a post-apocalyptic wasteland which is both a parody of several famous works such as Good, the Bad and the Ugly and Mad Max 2, as well as being a sterling example of Retro Futurism, or a story that takes place in a future as it might’ve been projected in the past but which now obviously ludicrous. Take a wild guess who provided the extraordinary soundtrack for the movie?

That’s right! The Red Elvises. They also got a cameo (and were cut to ribbons pretty quickly.) Their payment for their work on the film consisted largely of music videos. Some were related to the movie and some were not. Either way, that was my introduction to them. I immediately went out and got the movie’s sound track and their 30 track, double CD greatest hits album. Ran me about 35 bucks between ‘em and well worth every penny. I listen to them A LOT. And for a few months nearly non-stop. After all, you’ve gotta love a band that teaches you valuable lessons (real cowboys start conga lines) and have the moxy to simply declare that “We are the Red Elvises, your favorite band.” They’re mostly known for being a retro rock group, maybe a little like the Stray Cats, but they do a little of everything. Disco. Reggae. Lounge jazz. Whatever crazy nonsense strikes their fancy. They are, in their own words, “crazy fatha muckas.” For proof, see their trademark “drum solo” where the whole band drops what they’re doing and all play the drums together. I’ve been dying to see them in concert even though they seem to be a lot better in the studio. On a sad note, one of their core members left to join a Russian circus. Does rock and roll pay so poorly today? What a bummer. Although it does make me think about Kurt Vonnegut’s book Cat’s Cradle every time I think of it and that cheers me up a little.

2. Man or Astro-Man?: When I realized that the Red Elvises’ Surfing in Siberia was clearly inspired by Dick Dale’s classic “Miserlou” it put me on a whole surf rock kick. Turns out that whole early and mid nineties surf rock revival entailed more than the Beach Boys coming out with ”Kokomo.” Not that I knew it in elementary school, but there was some good shit going down. The very best of which is Man or Astro-Man? Imagine if you will, that somebody managed to breed the aforementioned king of Surf Rock, Dick Dale with the Ever-Awesome Semi-Indie, Weird-Ass Alt-Rock gods known as They Might Be Giants. The result is what you might call “Space Rock.” It’s like a really driving, heavy, modern version of surf rock with the addition of beeps, boops, references to Sci-Fi and even, yes, clips straight from bad, B-Rated movies. If that reminds you of Mystery Science Theater 3000, that’s alright. I’ll give you two guesses who performed that show’s theme song. And really, if they’ve got approval from both me and Joel What’s-his-face what more do you need? Check ‘em out.

3. The Mermen: Rounding out the surf rock kick is another band from the 90s revival. But the Mermen are weird. I mean, really weird. What’s that you say? Astroman is weird? Well, yeah, maybe. But they’re supposed to be. And I think that the Red Elvises and Astroman are better described as being silly. The Mermen just have a really unusual style. See, although the sounds are those of rock and roll, many of the songs are very…I dunno. Experimental, maybe? They’re these meandering musical odysseys that feel to me almost as much like jazz. With rock, you expect it to be quick, repetitive, to get your blood pumping. To me, the Mermen seem almost as much like Jazz. even on their more intense rock-ish albums like A Glorious Lethal Euphoria it’s a very different vibe I get from these guys than I usually expect from my instrumental rock. And they’ve got a really funky psychedelic edge too. Maybe not so great for cruising, but they’re top tier for white noise when I’m working on something else.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Let's Make a Deal

The results are IN folks. All over the country, people are raving about my extraordinary editorial prowess.

“Also, just to note at minimum your help resulted in me cutting about 2000 words from the story and thus far I have made 5000 revisions based on my own judgment after reading your review and- and I'm only at page 110” – F in Texas

Those words totally had it coming.

“Is it weird that as I was writing it, I kept picturing you staring over my shoulder saying 'less is more' or 'awkward phrasing' or 'keep it simple', then slapping me on the back of the head?”- J from Georgia

No, of course not. Well, okay yes. It is weird. But also awesome. If I could somehow bottle and sell this…this…editorial superego I’ve fostered in you, I’d be filthy rich.

“I think you’re a great editor. I also think one day you’re going to edit the wrong person and you’ll be found floating face down in the Hudson the next morning.” – D From New York.
Okay. Woah. That went to a weird place. Let’s back that one up, huh?

Anyway, now you too can try Crewd Editing for yourself right in the convenience of your very own home. “ That’s Too good to be true!” You say? Nothing is too good to be true when Robin Crew is involved. Here’s how it works. The first person to post a reply to this comment wins the right to send me 20 pages of a WIP and I will edit those twenty pages for you, Tears guaranteed or the money you won’t have to pay me for my work anyway will be returned in full. The first page –with edits will appear on my blog because as they say “kill one enemy to warn a thousand.” If the first to comment has no WIP, they may give the right to the second poster. This will be a recurring thing. And remember, I’m an “editorial Assistant.” NOT the agent. Impressing me (or earning my enmity) means little as I do not officially speak for any agency, but am merely offering my eagle like eyes, my razor sharp mind, and my hideously, painfully blunt mannerisms. If that sounds like something you’d enjoy (weirdo) then comment away!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

A Teaser

Are you troubled by awkward dialogue? Do you experience dread at the sight of a comma splice or dangling participle? Have you or any of your readers witnessed plot holes, excessive narration or a complete lack of grounding in your writing?

If the answer is yes, don't wait another minute. Log in now and contact the professionals.

TEXTBUSTERS.

Our ruthlessly efficient staff sits bleary eyed at his laptop 24 hours a day, ready to serve all your textual investigation and elimination needs.

WE'RE READY TO EDIT YOU.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

A common misconception

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the fact that everyone seems to buy into the idea that publishing is nepotistic. That you need to know someone to get inside, and that you're pretty much screwed without it.

It isn't really true. What is true is that it's a surprisingly small and well connected industry and people move from job to job and company to company with an extremely high frequency. So yes, people will give honest reccomendations as well as foist anoying authors or acquaintances off on someone else as a way of calling in favors. What isn't true is that this is a normal or even useful part of the process.

See, there are two general reactions when this happens. "Thanks heaps, asshole." Which was more or less how the director at Big Corporate Internship explained her sentiment when I helped her unjam the printer. The jam occured because of a 550 page manuscript a friend of her uncle's sent her for review. And she's a marketer. The other response is basically "Not on your life." As one of my professors says, it's something she does once a decade because they're always awful and she only did it as a gift for someone else in the industry who requested it and to whom she owes favors. I've never heard good things come from this. Even if your manuscript is good, going through this channel rubs people the wrong way and isn't likely to get you any more attention than otherwise. If anything, it makes the reader bitter. And hurts your chances. Ultimately, every time I think of the situation, I can't help but remember that infamous scene from Space Balls.


Lone Star: Helmet! So... At last! We meet for the first time- For the last time!

Darth Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.

Lone Star: What?

Darth Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room mate.

Lone Star: What does that make us?

Darth Helmet: Absolutely nothing.


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

That's Mr. Crew to You

You know, a strange thing’s been happening recently. The agency gets queries addressed to me specifically. And, some of them even identify me as Mr. Robin Crew. Now, on the one hand, I want to get angry and say “Mr. Crew is my father, the former teacher. I’m not so old I want to be addressed as Mister.” But on the other hand, they correctly identified my gender and even spelled my name with an “I.” Then, some of them claim to read my blog to boot.

I’ve always wondered about that. Do they? Maybe they do read it. Maybe they checked in when they made their query. Maybe they just noticed that I’ve got one and used it as a conversation topic. After all, sometimes I wonder about the logic. “I enjoy your blog, so I think you’ll enjoy this book which has nothing to do with your mad ramblings whatsoever.” Even then, who knows? Maybe they DO read it and figure we think alike. It’s all very strange. And it makes me suddenly hesitant to even read the query… in a good way for you. It feels like a conflict of interest. Like we’re secretly buddies. It’s an odd sensation. So come on. Be a pal. Stop humanizing yourself. It makes my job as "bad cop" so much harder.

From the author’s standpoint, it probably can’t hurt. Afterall, if I’m hesitant to reject you, I’ll spend more time with your manuscript in front of me. I mean, not to be the bearer of bad news, but you’ll probably be rejected anyway, but your chances (or chances of getting a little feedback) improve as the time I spend with your materials increases. Even so, I’m hesitant to recommend this method. It is, after all, an extension of precisely what you SHOULD do- research the agent, see what books they work on, whether you like them as people, and address them as a person and not some distant, magical book-selling tool that works in some other dimension which you neither need nor desire knowledge of. Adressing it personally, telling us how you found us or why you think you’re a good fit (quickly, please! “I saw your presentation at SCBWI.” “So-and-so who you represent recommended you to me.” “Editor What’s-His-Face thought you’d be interested.” “I was in that Webinar and you said it sounded interesting, so…”)That's all good.

Thing is, I ain’t the agent. I’m not even Junior agent although I’d love that and if there were a budget for it, I think the bossman would approve. I’m a mere assistant. I get veto power, and the boss listens to my advice, but in the final analysis, I have no guaranteed power to choose what we represent, which IS AS IT SHOULD BE. Ultimately, “M” is the one who has to line edit and sell the books, so he needs to be the one who makes the final call. Addressing me is still totally a point in your favor. In some ways, that’s even more appealing to me. “Lookit me! I’m a big, important man now.” But problems arise. Some authors are still addressing people who are no longer at the agency. Occasionally, they’d address people who would never be involved with queries. And I’m not the only reader of the pile anymore. The boss does to, as do some interns. Or junior assistants. Or whatever we’re calling them.

Much as I enjoy the ring of authority that “Mr. Crew” carries, I still think you’d be better off addressing the boss. Trust me, I won’t be insulted. It’s his agency. And I can only imagine what the junior assistants think. Like “Man, who is this hotshot who gets Fanmail/Queries?”

Saturday, December 11, 2010

American Nerd

One of the perks of Big Corporate Internship is books. Lots of books. It’s a magical world where brand new hardcover books are free, but tiny lunch sized bags of potato chips are $1.25. I don’t ask. I just check out the free book cases. It pays to check back frequently. That’s how I got a copy of “American Nerd; The Story of My People” by Benjamin Nugent.

You know, it’s actually really interesting. It isn’t as heavily cited as much of the Non-Fiction I read, but it also makes it good, light reading for the train compared to the last book I reviewed here, Sam Harris’ The Moral Landscape. It also tangentially covers topics of race relations and US history in ways you may not have thought of them. For instance, Nugent argues early on that the ultra manly 20th century with its focus on football, danger, cars and so on was an inevitable throwback in the face of education, office work and unskilled labor replacing physically demanding jobs. There’s also the section on how Jews and Asians are routinely labeled AS CULTURES as being nerdy (and often weak or effeminate) because of a greater emphasis on learning while Africans bear the unique burden of being too human and therefore animal-like. Needless to say, some pretty scary stuff but you can see why he’d make the connection. People certainly act like these things are absolutely true. He also tries to define a nerd, which is more complicated than you would think. I used to have a whole taxonomy of nerdliness but junked it when I realized there was already a famous Geek Hierarchy.

Ultimately his definition revolves heavily around nerds acting highly mechanical. Now really, have I ever pretended to be inhuman in order to escape the backlash my insightful but tactless analyses might inspire? Oh wait. Yes. All the time. Well, even so, it’s a good read with an important message.

“The Pathos of Being a Nerd is that because you are comfortable with rational thought that you are cut off from the experience of spontaneous feelings, of romance, of nonrational connection to other people. A nerd is so often self loathing because he accepts the thinking/feeling rift and he knows and cares that other people accept it too. To be a nerd is often to live with a nagging feeling of one’s own incurable heartlessness.”

I liked the early section of defining and theorizing about the nature of the nerd more than the second, which is about first hand stories. For one, I don’t feel like they mesh. For another, I am a nerd, and don’t need to be told what pwnage is. And in many of the anecdotes, it’s hard to see where his theory fits in, even though I feel like his theory is generally correct.

It won’t win any awards, but if you are or know someone who is, may secretly be, or could be in danger of becoming a nerd, you might want to give it a whirl.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

How Being Shot in the Face Taught Me To Live Part II

Fast forward, and just recently at Big Corporate Internship, there was a promotion with Groupon to buy heavily discounted books directly from the publisher. It was a huge disaster. Arranged at the last minute, it got no promotion, and the custom website landing page was hideous and dumb. But the real loss, according to those around me was that, as some of us (myself included) expected, independent booksellers, or Indies for short, were highly offended. The intern who sits next to me and is in one of my classes didn’t get it. Well, one of his jobs is to monitor the Twitter feed. I asked what people were saying. The most recent Tweet at the time went something like “Do they even realize that they’re spitting in the face of independents everywhere?” He was a little surprised by this, but he doesn’t know the industry as I do yet.

Independent booksellers see themselves as a cultural bulwark. Arbiters of quality. They are allies of publishers in that one makes and the other promotes worthy material. Independents routinely receive discounts of 50% or more on books in addition to all sorts of free material. The book industry is also saddled with quite possibly the worst return policy of any business in the world, which involves having to frequently take back damaged hardcover as well as allowing paperbacks to be pulped on site. If you’ve ever seen the “if you bought this book without a cover, it was reported destroyed to the publisher” bit, now you know what it means. It means the publisher lost not only the sale, but the product- a product still easily saleable. Compound this with JIT (Just in Time) delivery systems which see books purchased, returned, and re-purchased before they’ve even been paid for the first time, and you can start to see how unfavorable the situation is to the producers of content (publishers) and why, as an example, author royalties tend to be based on net sales rather than SRP these days (i.e. in the past, an author would get 10% of the cover price of say, $25.00, or $2.50 per book. Today, they’d be much more likely to get 10% of whatever it was sold for, probably between $10.00 and $12.50 for a per book royalty of $1.00 –$ 1.25). Admittedly this is the case for general book retail, but independents, though often class acts individually are full of hot air collectively and they love to complain that they’re being ignored, that big chains are given unfair preferential treatment, and for that matter, that no one reads and nuts to all of you losers for not conforming to their standards.

As far as the Independents are concerned, even acknowledging, much less promoting our ability to sell books directly to consumers is a traitorous act that destroys the harmony between our businesses. And most people I work with were quick to grovel and kiss their butts and beg forgiveness because Indies still sell a fair number of books. And you know, if they sell, I'm happy to send promotional materials and whatever, but they need to get over themselves. Put their money where their mouths are and actually be those local community authorities they claim. Anyone who's interested should check out "Reluctant Capitalists" by Laura Miller, which details the growth of chain stores, Indie's incessant whining, and ultimately, their formation into a vast organization that closely mimics chains and undercuts their own explanation of why they're so important.

Regardless, I learned from getting shot at. Hide behind that gravestone all you want. Pretend the situation hasn't changed. Go ahead. They’ll get you anyway. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. There can be no greatness without audacity. Indies are scared because the digital age has reduced the need of a middle man. Online retail has already clearly proven that their superior distribution and bulk orders results in greater availability and lower prices. Falling back on a status as cultural authority- an authority publishers have historically granted the Indies purely for their own benefit- is all brick and mortar retailers have left. And let me stress that it can work if you ARE an authority, a store with a specialty, with author events and book clubs and what have you. But for the generalist bookseller, Indie or otherwise, it’s one more competitor. They act as if this makes publishers evil. Does it? We offered the people lower discounts as a one time offer than we give the stores every day of the week. And let’s face it, direct distribution, if publishers can organize it, is better for everyone. It means low prices. It means high availability. It does these things precisely because it cuts out the middle man.

This is only the beginning. Give it a few years. I wouldn’t be surprised if Print runs were decimated because everything will be ordered Print on Demand from the publisher, their printer, or an online retailer (and I wouldn’t be surprised to see the agency model associated with e-books applied to POD from generalists like Amazon). The problem of returns will be gone. Books will theoretically remain “in print” forever since they will be perpetually available if you want it. Selection will be enormous. And there will still be book reviewers everywhere you look. So who wins? Consumers and producers. Who loses? Only the middleman- and only if they’re not smart enough to leverage their cultural authority.

Conventional Publishing wisdom is to protect these Indies like they were family. As for me, I say fuck ‘em. We’re never going to get anywhere by digging in and pretending the paintballs aren’t raining down. We have three choices: We, as publishers, can cower behind those gravestones like I did in the paintball course, we can run away and get shot in the back, or we can rush the mansion.
I may not know precisely which way to run, and we might not all make it, but I don’t doubt for a second that it gives us far better odds than staying resolutely in our hidey-holes.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Depends on Your Definition/How Getting Shot in the Face Taught Me to Live Part I

Okay, so I have a bit of a confession. That cover for Have Degree; Will Travel? I made that for a class. To date, I've written about fifty pages of it. If you're interested, you can click the picture. There's a marketing-copy synposis and an author bio on there. If it still sounds cool after that, I could talk about it more in the future, but I wouldn't hold my breath for it being published. You'd be better off with Peter David's Sir Apropos of Nothing books (and his style is similar to mine, but, y'know better) or Knight Life series. If the politics of high fantasy interest you and the wacky hijinks don't, check out pretty much anything written by Jennifer Fallon.

In any event, I know what you're thinking. How do I square this trickery with my stated promise never to lie to you. Well, it's simple really. A lie is an intention to deceive. I am almost fundamentally incapable of deceit. I didn't try and deceive anyone (maybe I succeeded?). Look closely at the text on the cover. I've got a review quote from an author who has been dead for over a decade, and my bio claims I wrote another book- a Hugo winner no less, while I clearly stated this is my first book on the blog. Basically, as a story teller, I can say any kind of crazy nonsense I want long as I don't expect you to believe me. What a great loophole. For instance, if you ask me what I thought of your book, I may have to tell you it sucks. And in the next breath when you ask where I'm going for vacation, I'll tell you all about this great little beach front cottage I've got on the Sea of Tranquility.

In any event, although I know I'm spinnning off ever more into ego-stroking tripe, there's something important I want to discuss, and when we get to the end of it, you'll understand. And after that, I promise I'll do some book reviews. I'm also toying with the idea of giving away chapter critiques. But more on that later.

A couple years ago, I helped arrange my brother’s Bachelor Party. There was a big round table between all us groomsmen, very democratic. We made general choices and then left details to those with the guts to take charge. Fun conversations, but not much effifiency. And lots of sore feelings, too. Go-karting? Nope. Skydiving? Nuts to that. We ended up paintballing as our big second-day activity. That was absolutely the bottom of my list. I tried everything to dissuade the group. Concerts. A minor league baseball game. I pushed those Go-Karts and skydiving pretty hard. But in a Democracy, being the Best Man doesn’t ensure victory.

So we went paintballing. Most of the guys had gone once or twice. I hadn’t. It was hot and humid and my breath kept fogging up the plastic visor on that tight helmet. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t breathe. I hadn’t a clue what I was doing. Poorly coordinated, a sizable limp, and working on virtually no sleep to boot.

Which is to say; I was really bad at it. Sort of figured I would be. I was an average shot, maybe, but I couldn’t really run or sneak very well.

So for the first few rounds we play, we’re part of larger groups before the owners prep some stuff just for us. Which was nice, I guess. Usually they require 12 people for private groups and we only had 10, but they made an exception because it’s important to shoot the bachelor before his wife gets a chance to complain about the paint stains.

Now, in our very first match, we were on the side which is given an essentially impossible situation. The enemies were pre-fortified in a mansion with crates of additional ammo, and we had to get to them through a long field with tiny “gravestones” as our only cover, without the real world option of sneaking up at them. In other words, we were pushed into a suicide run against enemies who could fire at us continually from under far better cover, a literal and tactical high ground, superior numbers and limitless supplies. At the very start of the rush was a slick, muddy jaunt down hill before trying to clamber up. One of the paintball range guys pretty much pushed me down the hill and were it not for some creative rolling and whatnot, I probably wouldn’t even have made it to cover, but in the process, I twisted my leg. Plus, I’m fat, have a big head and broad shoulders. That “gravestone” was no cover at all for a guy of my size. In the end, I think I only moved one or two spaces father ahead before someone got me with a lucky shot.

I justified my near refusal to act on the pain in my leg and the awkwardness of pushing myself into a position from which I might actually move but the simple fact was that PLAYING IT SAFE WAS A GUARANTEED WAY NOT TO ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING AT ALL.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Have Degree; Will Travel

I just wanted to share this one. Because I wanted to make wrapping paper out of it for Christmas (as a preview and IOU of next year’s gift) my publisher agreed to give me a quickie mock-up of the cover for my first book, Have Degree; Will Travel which is slated for an October 2011 release. Pretty sweet, huh?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A second post?

Holy crap, right? Two in one day. You must all be very excited. Or confused. Well, truth is crazy/funny contemporary The Rejectionist has a pre-resolution uncontest I totally forgot about when I was planning all my updates. Whoops. So here goes. Feel free to join in. The "rules" are posted here.


Pre-resolutions for December
1) I will not scoff at heavy handed religious moralism this holiday season.
2) I will not play Dick Dale's version of Hava Nagila very loudly when carolers appear.
3) I will actually edit at least one of my own works in progress
4) I will groan 30% less while reading the average query.
5) I will get a heart even if it means finding the Wizard.
6) I will whip my writing group into shape.
7) I will not publically humiliate myself more than twice a day.
8) There is someone I would like to hurt very badly. I will not do this, although this is less a pre-resolution than a result of my confounded pacifism and legal concerns.
9) I will conquer my pacifism.
10) Pacifism defeated, I will conquer the world. I will then rewrite the legal standards and be free to hurt that person very badly. For everyone else, beer and skittles.

Surely you can't be serious?

Bad news, everyone. Leslie Nielson died earlier this week.

“Surely,” you say. “Surely you can’t be serious?”

Well, I am serious. Shirley is dead. Long live Shirley. Anyway, do you all have any idea what this means? It means Steve Martin now has a monopoly on the Silver-Haired-Comedian-Who-Is-Actually-Kind-Of-Funny-But-Who-Appears-Almost-Exclusively-In-Awful-Movies business. I’m considering starting an anti-trust suit that would break up Steve Martin into two or three different comedians. Competition drives the market and all.


Also, for the last month or so I’ve been seeing this “Xtranormal” text-to-movie thing all over the place. Well, I’m nothing if not late to, and then dismissive of “the party.” So I looked them up. Apparently they’ve been named November’s Meme of the month. Well, if it’s good enough for a comparison to Chocolate Rain or the Battle Toads it’s good enough for me. Well, actually, it’s pretty crappy but I made a sample movie and enjoyed it a lot anyway. It has a lot to do with my nostalgia for Spider-Man Cartoon Maker. I may be the only person who ever liked that worthless program. And I felt they extreme limitations imposed by crummy software actually made it even more fun. What I wouldn’t give to show you guys “And Now for Something Completely You Suck,” but I haven’t got a clue how to export Spiderman Movies and besides, on my now 8 year old laptop the animations ran at triple speed because the program had specs that low. Still pondering whether or not I should spend money on doing Xtranormal. What do all’s y’all think? My demo movie was inspired by a real professor I had, the only Jesuit in four years at a Jesuit school. I had him give a sermon on Erin Brokovich. My only problem with the movie is that the robot voice sounded a little too human for the good Father. Anyway, would you lot like to see my mad ramblings in the form of robot-voiced-anthropomorphic-animals?


Finally, a news aggregator brought me this great article/editorial about why Men’s Magazines are failing. It’s got a lot of funny bits in there about the disconnect between covers and content, how the magazines can be described as “cars, tits, danger, six-packs, tits, booze, football, tits, and tits” And some keen observations of male consumers and how we really feel about this stuff. It’s rare that I identify as strongly with some random article written by someone I’ve never heard of as I did this one. Now, it came to me as an e-mail in plain text. So it wasn’t until after I read it, I realized from the linked source that it’s from the Independent in England. You guys thought I was joking about becoming British in my old age. Joke’s on you it would seem.