Sunday, October 31, 2010

Nobody Expects a Political Scientist

“ ‘Our two chief weapons are fear and surprise and Moral Ambiguity. Drat. Three. Our three chief weapons are fear, and surprise and moral ambiguity and an almost fanatical devotion to Machiavelli. Oh Bugger. Let me start this over.’

TERRIFYING BUT TRUE

Political Scientists surround you at this very moment aiming to destroy the foundations of this great nation. Regular scientists are a disease of the skin; Political Scientists a disease of the heart. While ordinary scientists chip impotently away at God with their so called “indisputable facts” and “hard evidence” their futile ramblings cannot put a dent in our blind faith. The Political Scientist is a beast of a completely different order. He wears no lab coat or glasses. He walks among us, hidden, unknown. With every breath he seeks to steal your freedom.

DON’T LET HIM.

The Political Scientist will tell you that Universal Healthcare keeps the country healthy, that longer school years will improve education, and that current data indicates that Democrats’ hard won battles for economic relief have helped keep our country’s economy from collapsing.

HE LIES.

Those things do not make sense. He speaks nonsense in order to destroy us all. Political Scientists are all Communists and probably Secret Muslims besides.

NEVER TRUST THEM.

The Political Scientist is a tool of The Vatican. Or the English Crown. Or maybe Huever claims to be in charge of China right now (we’re not really sure because we refuse to recognize the sovereignty of communist nations.)

BE EVER VIGILANT.

The Political Scientist will never rest until he has destroyed this country fully. Your steadfast devotion to unwavering bigotry is all that stands in his way.

AMERICA FOR AMERICANS.

This message brought to you by the National Council for Purity and Security.”

You know something? I was trained as a political scientist and I’m frankly pretty tired of being called a socialist sympathizer, or a panda hugging, namby-pamby, ineffectual intellectual Nancy-boy. So, ummm. If you’re also sick of me being called those things watch how you vote?

P.S. I threw up in my mouth a little when writing this. I’ll consider that an indication of success! Also, assuming you’re one of the six or so people who haven’t seen it yet, check this out.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Pretty Scary, huh Kids?

So, with Halloween coming up I’ve been watching a lot of really bad movies. Shouldn’t I be watching scary movies you ask? Well, I suppose, but they’re frequently the same thing. Truth is, I don’t think I’ve ever been scared of something I saw in a movie. To me, the exorcist was just a little girl with a foul mouth who spat on people. Weird? Yes. Fun? Yes. Scary? No. And truth be told I had as much fun watching Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Now that was a fun movie because it knew it was bad. It used that inherit awfulness to its advantage and actually made me laugh despite myself. I had a whole Mystery Science Theater style running commentary. Like when they got shot at by the aliens whose death-guns shot popcorn and the guy asks the girl “Are you okay?” I naturally butted in with a falsetto and said “Just lightly salted.” Good times are had by all who watch bad movies, whether or not they’re “supposed” to be scary. Talking about it with a writing buddy I’ve known for only a few months, he contended that there must be something wrong with me. That I must not feel fear or something. Eventually, I got him to admit that my neutral response probably has more to do with my hyper-rationality rather than my secretly being an android. I’ll have you know my emotion emulator is flawless, thank you very much.

How did I do this? Simple, I told him what I’m really afraid of- The Tea Party.

Now, to frame this, you should understand that my father is an ultra conservative American Historian who raised me on the Federalist papers etc. So although I am unquestionably a democrat, I’m probably more classically conservative than most republicans. What do I mean? Well, for instance, conservatives claim to stand for individual rights. I take that seriously and thus apply those rights to homosexuals, Muslims and other minority or unpopular groups, which the GOP does not. Near as I can tell, the GOP’s platform is generally “We’re always right because we’re morally superior” which I find offensive and frequently backwards given, for instance, the example above. Like anyone who believes they are inherently superior and therefore right all the time, the modern GOP’s power is supported and grows by instilling a large portion of the population with a sense that they’re not getting the credit their wondrousness deserves. In other words, a massive persecution complex based on the notion that any disagreement or criticism is somehow oppressive. This has spun off into the even more extreme “Tea Party” whose underlying ideology can be best described as “We’re always right because we just are.” How anyone with half a brain and a conscious can vote for candidates who demand Obama send the Czars back to Russia and don’t understand what the first Amendment means is beyond me.

I’m sad to say that my father, lover of stability and loyalty does whatever his party asks and is a devout Bill O’Reilley fan. We argue about this endlessly. Meanwhile, many of my best friends are extremely conservative (I’m looking at you Francis) but they know what they’re talking about and vote the way they do because it’s what makes most sense to them; and these people tend to distance themselves from Tea Party members just as they distance themselves from blow hard faux conservative spokespeople.

As a conservative democrat, I believe in democracy and I fully support your right to vote as you see fit. That’s why I must beg you to vote based on what your brain tells you makes sense, rather than the fact than because you’re enthralled with puffed up, know-nothing, egotistical braggarts.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Top 5

I was tempted to write a response to something a reader posted on Twitter, re: the quality of the modern rejection letter, but no. The lists are calling me. I mean, you guys heard Liu Bei. The lists must live again. And so I present the top 5 most non-existant bands of 2010

#5: Insolent Whelp Heavy Metal. Founded by Johnny Archer in 2008, the band's name is the nickname Johnny earned from his third grade teacher. Archer is the son of an upper class banker in London, and his mother is of noble descent. Archer was discovered in a night club performing a cover of George Thorogood's "Get a haircut and get a real job." Since then, his first album "Bugger off, mate" has taken him to the tops of the British charts and is receiving world wide attention, turning him into the next Coldplay. Johnny made headlines earlier this year when his father's bank shut down and despite rolling in money, he told his father to "grow your hair out and get a decent job."

#4: Egad's Zukes Retro Rock. Picking up where the Stray Cats left off, Egad's Zukes (formerly Egad and the men in Zuke Suits, formerly Egad and the Flying Trapeze)having a surprising string of top twenty pop rock pieces inspired by 1950s rock and roll. Each piece is an original, but they've been a mainstay on classic rock stations since their first album was released in Spring 2009.

#3: Struwwel Peter Gunn Instrumental Hard Rock. A german band of unusual taste, Struwwel Peter Gunn has found a surprisingly large audience for a band many would have been inclined to dismiss as "just another German death metal" band. Namely, each of their pieces is an original based on gothic folklore and 19th century morality tales, whose sound is as much inspired by the likes of Dick Dale and Duane Eddy as their contemporary metal associates. Their second album, Iron Heinrich Hoffmann, named after the Grimm Brothers tale "Iron Heinrich", also known as the tale of the Frog Prince, and Heinrich Hoffmann, author of Struwwel Peter, is expected to be released later this year. A runaway hit throughout Europe, the American release of their first album, "Something Wicked" met with lackluster sales in the states due to the complete inability of the average American to read, and consequently not picking up on the band's theme.

#2: The Un-PC Six Glam rock. Move over Scissor Sisters, because this band is the biggest thing to hit glam rock since David Bowie. the Un-PC Six is famously made up of the white guy, the black guy, the yellow guy, the red guy, the woman who thinks she's a guy and a dwarf. Even if you can't stand their music, you can no longer avoid the ubiquitous name and images of the band now known as much for their personal squabbling as for their extraordinarily creative and high budget live performances. According to our sources, band members have confirmed that any publicity is good publicity. The sources say ticket sales skyrocketed after the volcanic love triangle between White, Red, and the woman who thinks she's a guy hit papers, and then again when their original dwarf sued the band for replacing him because he wasn't short enough.

#1: Los Autores Locos con Sombreros Grande General Rock. Coming completely out of left field, this highly multinational band of aspiring writers hit the zeitgeist dead on and saw their first album go platinum after only three months, defying all logic, especially at a time when complete album sales appear to be on the rocks due to sales of individual songs through services such as iTunes. What is the secret of their sucess? Several things. For starters is their tendency towards large hats. On stage, each member of the band is only known by the oversized hat he wears. Lead gutarist Jose Antonio for instance is officially known as "pirate hat", drummer Chuck Weber is "top hat" and so on. Secondly, their songs, both original and covers are performed in the style and languages of more than ten countries, sung by band members who speak the language as a native. In performance, blue screens behind the band display karaoke style sing-along text in each of those languages for every song. And finally, their first album, "Universal Language" is brilliantly produced with an image of iconic American writer Edgar Allan Poe dressed in a white, rhinestone riddled suit and an oversized pompadour.

So there you have it. The top five most non-existant bands of the year. Don't you wish they were real? Somtimes being an idea person sucks, because after making stuff up, you have to come back to the real world and wonder what we did to deserve it.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Broken Dreams

So today I was setting up a display case of books for my Big Corporate Internship and one of the books in question was Glen Beck's latest hardcover titled Broke. And let me tell you, was that book infuriating. It just kept falling down. The spine was shoddy, the cover weight was weird. In short, it was unbalanced and poorly constructed. Indicative of the contents maybe? Well, whatever.

I had a dream last night. It was dark and cold and lonely. There was nothing around except for faint wisps of aether, floating like a fog. I had no idea where to go or what to do when there appeared a light in the distance. It blurred and became three. As it drew closer, I saw that the lights came from an inner fire belonging to the three Sworn Brothers, heroes of the Chinese classic Romance of the Three Kingdoms. The compassionate politician Liu Bei. The wise warrior Guan Yu. The hot headed Zhang Fei. They wore sequined China Dresses split up the sides to their thighs and each held microphones daintily in one hand. To a chorus of gentle, meaningless sounds like something the Chiffons would sing performed by the stout and fearsome warriors, Liu Bei began a song in his dulcimer tones. Subttitles appearing somewhere around his belly informed me that he was saying something like "The time has come/ the mandate is yours/ let the lists live again."

It can only mean one thing. The universe itself has willed it that I, Robin Crew, inventor of Things, Stuff and Such (TSS for short, a humor column for the commuters at Fairfield U) must revive the popular Top Most Non-Existant Lists here on my blog. Look forward to it. In the meantime, my advice for Graphic novelists is long overdue.

As a disclaimar, this isn't something I trained for, nor something I do extremely frequently. A dedicated comic writer or the submissions manager at Marvel would probably be able to give you some greater detail, but I've got a few starter tips that, in my experience, have always worked out for the better.

1) For the love of God, put that sucker in Screenplay format. It's so much easier to read, you'd be amazed. If you can't afford Final Draft or Movie Magic, or don't want to throw down that kind of money (which makes sense) just grab a template for use in Microsoft Word or whatever processor you use. Trust me, it helps a lot.
2) Do not pull an Alan Moore on me. Don't be crazy and violent. Errr, no. I mean, that's a good lesson but it isn't what I mean. Alan Moore seems to forget that he's supposed to be writing graphic novels and not regular novels. He's got crazy amounts of text and extensive art direction. My writing group would undoubtedly groan to hear me give my favorite example again, but in the film Bridge Over the River Kuai, when the bride explodes, you know what the script says? Does it describe the size of the blast or splinters or anything? No. It says quite plainly "the bridge explodes." let's face it. Graphic Novels are written as scripts, it's half the finished product. Just like theater, TV and movies. It doesn't help to try and control everything, and it can actually chaffe the director/artist etc. And let me tell you, I have seen Graphic Novel scripts where the author will, within the first page, begin a seven hundred word description of a gunfight that boils down to "they exchange fire but miss." If every piece of action was used, you'd fill a twenty page comic book with nothing but tiny little panels showing each place bullets thunked into walls. This is not helpful. Don't do it.
3) If you're pitching graphic novels to agents, packagers, or publishers directly, you may not want to compare yourself to Marvel. Generally when people do that, my first response is "then why aren't you submitting this to them?" Besides which, graphic novels are struggling, and beggining to succeed at branding themselves as something beyond "mere" comic books. They were re-popularized by the lenghtier and more widely varied manga (a Japanese form of GNs) and now it is becoming common for American companies, even major publishers to produce original works as graphic novels. For instance, Big Corporate Internship is launching a series called Pulp History, which is all outrageous (but true) history. Spy stories, war stories. That kind of thing, but legitimate, honest to God non-fiction. Besides, even if you were pitching to Marvel, I seem to recall the ever-cool Peter David saying something along the lines of "Most people who submit story ideas don't understand why they're rejected. Well, they're rejected because their story amounted to 'Wolverine and Sabertooth fight in the woods. Wolverine wins. The end.'"

So until next time...uh, don't write stupid things in sloppy format, with unecessary information and send it to people who don't care?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Learning to Fly

I know I promised to do some tips for Graphic novels today, but I've decided to push that back to Monday or Tuesday when I do my next post. Why? Because many things amused me over the last 36 or so hours. I decided to make a log of some of the most entertaining of these things.

1) Thursday night: a reader refers to me as a Spring Chicken. Um. Buckaw?

2) Friday morning, I see a headline on a newspaper someone is reading on the train. It reads "Major villain in Campaign Ads: NYC." Well, duh. I mean, we New Yorkers merely bust our balls to make enough money to pay stupidly high taxes which are funneled away to less productive states who are grossly overepresented in federal government (see especially the Senate) who then complain that my state has undue power and that we're a bunch of jerks and that those non-productive states aren't receiving fair representation. Woah there, people. California, Texas and NY are the three largest and basically most productive states. They account for 1/3rd of the total population, and have 6% of the Senate seats. Who isn't being appropriately represented again? You know what, Bumblefuck Nowhere, if you want to go ahead and secede, you have my blessing.

3) Friday Afternoon: a coworker at Big Corporate Internship says "Cool Beans." A lot. Well, you know what's cool beans Renee? You are.

4) Friday Night: My design professor comes to me at the end of class and says "Illustrator hates you." Thank you for putting my mind at rest, professor. Now I know for sure that this class is destroying my otherwise perfect GPA. What a load off not having to worry about that.

5) Friday Night: On the train going home I had the misfortune to share a car with some chatty Kathys. Or at least one. The other was fairly normal. Mid Twenties princesses. Anyway, the chatty one sits bolt upright at one point and shrieks "Oh my GAWD! The lunch lady is dead!" She then proceeded to blabber about this old woman for a long time but she wasn't sad, or upset or angry or anything. She was just terribly confused. All I could think was "Lunch ladies never die; they only fade away."

6) Friday Night: The same young ladies on the train. I feel like the Overheard in New York blog would have more material than they'd know what to do with if they followed this woman around. Anyway, after abandoing the mystery of how a feeble old woman described alternately as being 90 and 98 could possibly die, there was a period of silence whilst the two women read things on their smart phones. Suddenly the chatty one shrieked again. "Almost all boyfriends are born in October!"
...
...
...
Of course! It all makes so much sense now. Seriously. Think about it. I dare you. I can't wait to watch your logic circuits fry.

7) Saturday Morning: Just now, while I was writing this, I got a call from the Cancer Fund. No thank you, I'm not interested in funding cancer today. Try back when I have a salaried job.

UPDATE Forgot to mention this when I put up the post a few minutes ago. I am now on Twitter, but between what I consider a horrific interface as well as my schedule, I may not see everything. Or even come close to seeing everything. If anyone has any statements, questions, requests, epithets etc. which are vitally important, feel free to send them to robinecrew@gmail.com I'll update my profile later to add it in. Among other things I should probably do.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Living in Syndication

Before I continue with my personal editorial guidelines, a few pieces of news. First, thanks to popular demand (about two people) I've dug out my Twitter account. It's R_Crew. Maybe I'll even say some things on ocassion. Who knows what the future will bring?

Second, I attended my first pre-sales meeting at a major publisher the other day. Apart from one book which made me physically ill, the lineup was really, really great. Consequently, I could feel myself aging as I sat there. The imprint which was the focus of the meeting is all non-fiction. It was largely history and Poli-Sci. I mean, I always loved the stuff but I've never read commercial NF, really. That was something I associated with old men like my father, uncles and old family friends. So now I'm cranky, stooped and interested in NF? Hell. What have I become? Next time I get a haircut I'll probably ask them to trim the hair growing out of my ears.

So, on with my editing guidelines.

4) Show, don't tell. The old writer's rule is a rule for editors as well, in two different ways. First, getting writers to follow the rule when they lapse (as will happen even to the best writers on ocassion) and secondly, when offering suggestions for style or theme, tie it to specific parts of the manuscript. "This might be stronger if..." or "I think you're rushing this..." Saying "Dude, your pacing is shit." may be true, but give a few examples of where it speeds up or slows down that threw you.

5) I loves me some details. There is a fine line to walk detail wise. As I've pointed out time and again, my battle cry is more or less "Use it or lose it." I'm in favor of cutting pretty much anything unecessary. But the right details go a long, long way. Personally, I'm fond of things that are disturbing and visceral. Stuff that sounds totally crazy but hits you so directly and without apology that you find yourself totally unable to question the authenticity. For an example of how to do this, read Tim O'Brien. Any O'Brien will do. The Things They Carried might do it best. The abbreviated course is the chapter "How to Tell a True War Story." I don't think I've ever met anyone who actually liked O'Brien, at least not initially. But I think every Lit professor and editor I've ever mentioned him to swoons at the name. He's pretty much the holy grail of this style of writing. This is not reccomended reading. This is required reading far as I'm concerned. You can check out an early and inferior version of the story here, but I highly reccomend getting the book. It's a better investment by far for writers and editors alike than any how-to manual I've ever seen. If you don't like war stories, that's okay. It's not a war story. It's a love story. It's a ghost story. It's any story at all. O'Brien 4evar!

6)Non-standard dialogue tags are the devil's work. Seriously. Nine times out of ten, "ask" or "said" is all that you really need. And for shit's sake, do not say "asked quizically" or "spat angrily" or any such nonsense. Do not tell me the character was being sarcastic. Show me. For the questions, uplifted eyebrows. Cocked heads. Etc. Sarcasm is a flowing piece of the tone and not something you can conjure up when needed and banish when it's unwanted. As for spat angrily, it's simply redundant. Either make spat your tag (and be careful not to overuse) or simply use said and then show anger. Clenched fists. Raised voice. A deep frown. A flash in the eyes. You know. Showing. Setting a scene. Painting a picture. You may not be a sculptor, but goddamnit, writing is an art and it's the only art I know of where your biggest fans and biggest critics get to give feedback during the initial creation, so we've all got a responsobility to keep on our toes. This sort of amateur bullshit does not fly, gentle readers. It's about as aerodynamic as canned cranberry sauce. It does not strike me. It does not cut. It sort of giggles and blurbles.

Remember, gentle readers that good literature is like a punch in the stomach. It leaves a mark.

Next time: some format and style advice for graphic novelists.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Syndication and editing

Well, howdy there folks. Looks like my work is going to be syndicated on the official blog of the agency I work at. Some of you may have already noticed. The fun part about this is that it gives me a chance to actually edit this garbage. For a couple months I was banging away on the keyboard without any readers. Even once some started to arrive, I've mostly been typing these up in the half hour or so between work and night classes, amidst all the distractions of a university computer lab such as classmates. I'm there right now. My first piece you might recognize from here.

Thing is, the new version is very different. It's a lot more clear, I think, it's twice as long, too. It's also slightly toned down because I need to be "professional." Bah. Professionalism is the bane of my existance. I jes' calls 'em like I sees 'em. Regardless, having an opportunity to clean up this junk is proving to be quite amusing. Yes, I know. I'm some kind of freak who gets off on editing. What did you think readers do in their free time? Not read? Piffle.

So to celebrate my glorious syndication, for the next few posts, I'll be giving you some insight into my standby editing rules. These apply more to editing other people's text than your own, though. I think I've got strange tastes, but classical styles of editing. Regardless, this is only how I do it and shouldn't be treated as some kind of universal manual.

Rule Number 1: The editor is not the writer. Our concern should be purely one of clarity and efficacy. Therefore, feedback should be maximum, but commands should be minimal. Allow the author to exercise their craft without boxing them into a corner. Nudging, not controlling is the name of the game.

Rule Number 2:Use it or lose it. It drives me batty when a story introduces details, characters and side stories that go nowhere. Do you have a lengthy opening that you wrote to set the scene for yourself? Cut it. Do you have to characters that fill the same role? Cut one of them out. As you can see, I'm a cutter. It may seem unpleasant at first, but once you take the plunge, it'll feel so good. C'mon. All the cool kids are doing it. You want to be cool, don't you? In all seriousness, there quickly comes a point in books where the information is overflow and you're hurting yourself. Don't.

Rule Number 3: Scan your page quickly. Is there more than one paranthetical, ellipse, dash, or semi-colon? If so, you have some other questions that need to be answered. Is it intentional? Is it part of the style? Is the style consistent? What does it bring to the manuscript? Is it more effective with or without it? My friends, often fine writers go ultra heavy on ellipses and I can't stand it.

Will your manuscript survive? Has the editor backed you into a corner? Don't miss the exciting conclusion to Robin's Rules of Editing, same blog time, same blog channel. Or whenever I feel like it.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

On/Off

I've decided against posting about Comicon afterall. Most of it was just about how awful that day was (examples- the MTA and Comicon's insane crowd) and a lengthy, completely ridiculous explanation for why the ground in NYC gets all wavy past 8th avenue. Suffice to say I had this whole history about it being a major social initiative from the prohibition era to simulate drunkeness in an effort to discourage the practice, but was cancelled abruptly when Albert Q. Brew invented the first beer goggles. Not really worth the time it takes to write about it, especially five days later.

Instead, have the quickst quick tip yet- Often times new and amateur writers (such as those in my writing group) get freaked out when there's something they don't know. Be it "voice exercises" or "2nd person narration" or "magical realism" they often get depressed and worried when they stumble upon it or someone mentions it. Don't be that way. It's not helpful or necessary. There's plenty of time to learn those things in the future. Meanwhile, don't worry about the quantity of styles and forms you know and concern yourself more with the quality.

Wax on. Wax off.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Just the FAQs

Well, people have been so curious, I thought I'd put off my impressions of Comicon and the miserable day I had Sunday and give you the Crewd Philosophy FAQ page V 1.0

Personal questions:
Are you crazy?
Depends. Has the draft been reinstated? If so, then yes. Stark raving mad.

If you're not crazy, then what is wrong you?

Nothing. I'm perfect in every way.

You're so weird.
That's not a question. According to the tried and true animal personality test, I'm a donkey. According to the slightly more reliable Meyers Briggs, I was either an INTJ or an INFJ. I forget which.

What I wouldn't give to see the inside of your mind for a day...
*grining* be careful what you wish for.

So you're a writer like us?
Yes and no. I write, but if you're reading my blog, you're probably a lot farther into the process of doing so profesionally than I am.

What do you write?
Things, stuff and such. Which is to say, every combination of genre and medium, but I focus on novels and short stories of fantasy and SF. My magnum opus is pure literary fiction though.

Where do you come up with all those phrases you use on the site?
Different ones come from different places. "There can be no Greatness without audacity" I think I adapted from the term "fortes fortuna adiuvat" which means fortune favors the brave. "BBB" is shorthand for bland banal bullshit. The rest I think I pretty self explanatory within context. And yes, I do make up words. Sue me.

Why do you hate babies?
Because they're a lot of work. I don't mind working if I agreed to do it, but kids create work for everyone around them. At seven o' clock on a train with a headache, the last thing I want to have to do is control your hellspawn. And then there's the way people will use children. I'll never forget the time I took an hour and a half drive and stood outside for two hours to get a good spot at an outdoor concert. Within ten minutes some old man pushed his way through the crowd brandisihing some mewling parasite, probably his grandaughter. After setting up shop directly in front of me, he put her on his shoulders and blocked my vision for the rest of the concert. Why should I like children?

Weren't you a child once?
Jesus. Am I ever going to live that down?

Professional questions-
What do you do at the agency?
Mostly I read queries and pass maybe one in thirty on to Mark or Linda if I like them. We're in the process of trying different styles now though because Mark wants to see everything. I'm not wild about the idea because he's so busy, but he'd give you the shirt off his back. After months of being the exclusive query handler (and doing away with an enormous backlog) I came to see myself as a gatekeeper whose job was as much to keep my boss in as the "riff-raff" out.

What else?
Anything that needs doing. Paperwork, which is mostly collecting, entering, verifying, redustributing information. For instance, some of our authors might recognize my name from when I asked for their info for the agency site. Or there are the files I made and updated to track editor responses to things we sent them. The cool part about that was seeing how much faster they get back to us now than they did when the agency first opened (which I wasn't around for.) I think Mark's built up two or three years worth of "street cred" in just one year of business. I also do readers reports and some editorial letters. Some of you may have gotten some very detailed feedback from me and not even know it! The upside to the changes in queries is that I might get to do more editing, which I love doing. Wheeee.

How often do you guys talk? Do you work at an office together?
Agencies tend to be pretty flexible. Ours is small and young, so the vast majority of work is remote. Sometimes communication is pretty light, sometimes it's everyday, mostly by Skype unless they're just quick things we can do by e-mail. We meet together periodically to do things like update master lists of ongoing projects or analyze sales trends. By which I mostly mean Mark teaches Linda and I how the whole thing works.

What's this other internship of yours?
Marketing for a major publisher. I'll say no more than that.

You do two internships and you're in school? What for? And are you crazy?
I'm studying publishing at Pace University. It's weird for me because I come from an academic background and that's a "professional" program. Hopefully one day I'll be able to get paid to do the stuff I like to do. Otherwise I'll have to do something dreadful like become a teacher.

That reminds me, you taught English in Japan, right?
Yes, and it was a terrible job. Loved the country, but christ. Maybe someday I'll talk more about it, but for now, just know that every job I've ever had, from party magician to customer service at Kohl's was better. So was being assistant facilities manager/Mailroom Supervisor/archivist/gopher etc. at a Medical Journal publisher. My only consolation is that the chain of schools I worked for, which I thought were very poorly run and treated both employees and students like dirt was entering a tailspin while I was there which ultimately ended up putting them out of business earlier this year.

What's the single most important advice you can give me as a writer?
Never give up, never surrender!

What about entering the world of publishing myself?
Think long and hard about why you want to. It ain't glamarous or high paying. If you want to publish to put out your own books...it's a different thing than it used to be. POD and everything have changed that. Honestly, you better be really sure you want to work with books 24/7. And you better remember that yours is as a support role. Like most of my classmates, I have a background in writing but came to the conclusion I'd rather edit. I can't speak for everyone, but I simply realized I was better at helping other people than writing my own books. It makes me feel good to do something that comes so naturally and can have such a dramatic effect. It's all about personal satisfaction and not about gain or recognition. Think you can handle that?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Se La Vie

Said the old folks. It goes to show you never can tell. I'd have expected more discussion and debate on that last post, but oh wells.

I apologize for the eratic posting schedule and varying lengths. I have two internships and a full course load, so I do this whenever I have time. It also means I'm not responding to comments every time, which I'd like to. Nor have I been wholly sucessful in going through everyone's profiles, checking to see what blogs they read etc. It's still a small group and with a lot of represented authors, others seeking representation, and, I think, a couple other assistants at agencies. So I'd encourage you all to look at each other's profiles before the numbers become overwhelming (see that stampede of people just begging me to keep ranting and raving?). Never know. You might make a good connection or lead each other to interesting sources.

I also encourage you to play word association with your friends over Gmail just to see what sorts of crazy ads pop up on the side. It's more fun than an oversized barrel full of genetically enhanced humor monkies. And it probably messes with Google's head a little bit. Speaking of monkies, the only reason I can post at all considering my busy schedule is thanks to the aid of two of my good friends and pet projects, Eduardo the Thesis monkey (It's like a Rhesus monkey, but with less peanut butter and more brains)and Travis the Howler Monkey. Ed writes many of my school papers and outlines some blog posts (the good ones) while Travis is my public body double. I can be in two places at once! But I'll talk about them more at a later date.

Today's quick tip- Don't steal names. Seriously. You have no idea how much that annoys me. I can't catch every single one because it's not like I've read every book, seen every movie, etc. but it can be a deal killer all by itself. And it's usually accompanied by other thievery. Example, once I got a query for a murder mystery following a hard boiled female cop in NY out for revenge on her mother's killer. Her name was Nikki Beckett. Because apparently the author thinks that there's no chance I ever saw an episode of "Castle": a TV show about a murder mystery writer who shadows exactly such a woman and writes about her when he's not assisting on her cases. The character in Castle is named Kate Beckett, and in the books within the show, her alter ego is Nikki Heat. Ergo, Nikki Beckett. I mean, Christ. Could they have tried? Another example. A YA Paranormal that opens with a beautiful girl named Claire displaying her newfound super powers to her normal best friend Zach. Because that writer must have thought that although millions of people have seen the first season of heroes, there wasn't a pretty good chance that I had. What. The. Hell? Moral here is quick and easy: Don't do it. I don't care if the names are just place holders, I don't want to see it. Hammer that out before you bring it to a professional or you'll likely be tossed the second they figure it out. Referencing, parody, that's fine. But what those authors were doing was A) writing drivel and B) writing drivel that could get you sued for copyright infringement if the manuscript ever saw the light of day. And if you get it past me,don't celebrate. There's still other people at the agency. And then editors. And then sales staff and marketers and publicity and copy editors and reviewers. All it takes is one person to notice and you'll have slit your own throat. No one will touch your writing again. You think it'd be better if it got published before anyone sees it? Then you'll never publish again, AND you'll be facing litigation. So remember kids, winners don't do drugs. Or, um. Steal.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Drinkin', yes indeed/ If you don't start drinkin' I'm gonna leave

So, today the Rejectionist posted a drinking game about overblown observations in publishing along gender lines. One thing on the list gets me- that publishing is female dominated.

Now, see this certainly seems true. Admittedly this is personal experience. I haven't met everyone in the business. In my own experience it is true. My master's classes in publishing are overwhelmingly female- easily six to one. If there are even three males in a class of thirty, professors are shocked. In one of my internships, I see the marketing staff regularly. That's about 3-1 female to male. HR? All female. I've never met a male copy editor. Editorial is skewed female but not massively, unless we're talking children's lit.

Somehow I feel like that statement should be removed from her list of phrases that require taking a drink. Does that mean the rest of the statements have merit? Not really. Prepare to drink, generalizers. So, some points the Rejectionist correctly tasks people to task for-

They won't buy my manuscript because they're women- Wow. That is kinda crazy. Good editors are looking for quality and marketability as much as they're looking for what they themselves would want to read. If it has those things, even if they won't touch it they're likely to pass it on to someone they feel would be more willing and more qualified. And if you're pitching a manly book to the feminist press, what did you expect them to say? What have I said about targeting agents and editors who would be right for you? Personally, the whole thing feels fairly self regulating to me. If a successful general publisher puts out twice as many books aimed at a female audience, it's safe to say that women must be reading roughly twice as many different books as men. I don't want to start theorizing about the kinds of books each read, frequency of re-reading, usage of libraries or other such activities because by the Rejectionist's rules, I'd be ordering a lot of full bottles of booze and "making eyes" at the barteneder. I'm neither a drinker nor an extrovert and I can only believe that flashing my cleavage will make matters worse. Never the less, if there aren't more books for guys its because we're not reading, isn't it? Publishers go where the business is. Can't blame the editors for that. And as far as looking for jobs and internships? Heck, I expect it helps me. Big public companies have diversity requirements. If the place is 75% female, that actually weighs in my favor. Score!

YA discriminates again men- Wait, what? It looks to me like it's a whole lot more gender neutral than childrens. I remember I'd always be reading Bruce Coville's My Teacher is an Alien and stuff like that. (almost) All the girls would say "eeewww, alien." They'd read Babysitter's Club and (almost) all the (literate) guys would say "eeewww, babies." In retrospect they had more in common than I thought. Both babies and aliens are vile, foul smelling, drooling, mucus covered beasts, but I digress. YA seems pretty open. Did guys refuse to read Harry Potter? And the other way around as well- YA is sort of a bastion for crazy genre fiction. SF and Fantasy sort of fell into stagnation and YA is bringing it back, and it's bringing girls back into it. Indeed, I've been thinking recently that I need to pay more attention to YA sections. Heard of a series the other day I want to look into. The titles are Leviathan and Behemoth. Alternate history of WWI where the brits have gebnetically altered super-monsters like flying whales and the germans have advanced steampunk mecha. Idiotic in the most awesome of ways. A little bit of the Japanese Giant Robot Spirit there, I think. And as interesting as Japan is, I must say that giant robots are their greatest contribution to humanity. There's always time for Gundam. But does the fact that girls are reading SF discriminate against guys? I don't think so. I've seen some pretty solid YA drama that would appeal to guys a whole lot more than Babysitter's club would have for boys because it's more...I dunno. Visceral. And brutal. Drunks and blow jobs and gangs and stuff. And again, if more are printed with a female audience in mind, logically it's because girls as a whole are reading more. That's not the publishers fault. Speaking of which...

It's women's fault boys who read are ostricized- as a kid who got picked on a lot, I can safely say it had more to do with going from the lightest and second shortest to being the tallest and fattest within a two year span. By fifth grade, I was suddenly a towering, blubbery mountain. Besides, what the hell planet are you on? Publishers and librarians and teachers are always trying to get boys to read more. Either because they love books and want to spread the word, or even just because it's a market with "potential for growth." Heck, the sudden re-emergence of graphic novels is a part of that. For fun, why don't you look up a guy named David Saylor who runs the Graphix imprint at Scholastic. He's had some great interviews and things. And a lot of his motivation is that graphic novels are getting a lot of people who didn't used to read into it. Why would they ever want- whether they're male or female to discourage enormous chunks of the population from buying their products? Or, even worse as this claim would be; discouraging them for enjoying an entire medium? That just doesn't make sense.

I think maybe a couple of her entries on the list are a little too vague, but I understand what she's getting at. It's more or less the same lesson I routinely espouse. Your opinion isn't valid until you've actually considered it. Don't run from facts you see as unpleasant (maybe you think it sucks that it's female dominated) but don't start making wild conclusions based on this. People have a tendency to take hold of the wrong end of the stick and beat wildly about the bush because it's easier than actually thinking about things.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Goodness

Robin Crew was convicted for the negligent homicide of his free time today. Although leading Psychronologist Arthur Bull made a strong argument for the defense, claiming that neglect of free time is a widespread mental disorder that should be treated, Judge Ivanna Bookim dismissed the argument saying that "if every we let every idiot off the hook, idiots would no longer fear the consequences of their jackassery, tomfoolery, skullduggery, and other self destructive behaviors."

For his egregious crime, Mr. Crew has been given the maximum sentence- 30 days vacation without possibility of an early return from Cancun.

When asked if he would appeal his case, Mr. Crew told reporters that he was too busy contacting travel agents, having his mail redirected, pre-paying bills, setting out the scarecrows, digging a bomb shelter, writing a novel, learning to play guitar, organizing a community theater and interveiwing a replacement for his free time to futz around anymore with his slow moving, mouth breathing lawyer and his bill-by-the-hour bullshit.


So, the question has come up as to what is good writing and where does it stand in relationship to my own. Because of who I am, I tend to focus on what can be fixed rather than what works (perhaps I'll outline my Tao of Publishing sometime soon). Even so, I will attempt to outline some principles of good writing with my writing as an example of what isn't. I apologize if it ever feels as if it descends into the realm of self pity or anything.

First- Humor is a good thing. Never doubt that. But in long form writing humor can make it hard to keep a focus. Have you ever seen a movie built out of a stand up act? Does it work? Generally the answer is no. There's also the fact that a work that relies too heavily on humor is at the mercy of people's reaction. Have you ever watched SNL or Monty Python or Tim and Eric and been having a good time and then on comes some skit that just isn't funny? It's five minutes of torture and makes you wonder where it all went wrong. As for me, I'm more Rodney Dangerfield than Douglas Adams. Note also that you could replace "humor" with fatalism, literary references, terms in foreign languages and really, almost anything. Most things in moderation can help flow while adding some variety. Using anything extensively is a calculated risk and hard to pull off. Many new writers will overuse parentheses and I always direct them to The Princess Bride by William Goldman as an example of how it can be done effectively, but with the cautionary note that they need to watch how much work the consistency he obtained was.

Second- Description. My god is there a gulf in this. I know people who can write page after page of beautifully written prose about the siding of a house, or an ankle bracelet or a window or a couch's upholstry. Often times, it goes nowhere. A judicious editor, should they take you on will hopefully prune this down and all will be well, but it can overload (and usually front loads) a story to the detriment of the tale. Perhaps even more common are those like myself with either no talent or no patience for writing detail, who write almost excusively in dialogue or action. The problem with this is that the book may end up lacking grounding, the tone might fall through. It also creates a difficulty in pacing since it leads to everything being written in-scene.

Third- Voice. This more than anything is one of the skills which cannot be taught when it comes to writing. It's something every writer must develop for themselves. By and large, I've got a few things I consider the hallmarks of a good voice. Namely, believability, consistency, and originality. A voice which is too understated or too over the top may be difficult for readers to connect with. A voice which sometimes sounds older or younger, or wiser or dumber than it usually does can also throw readers and wreck the tone, or the character themselves in a 1st person. Originality is self explanatory. However, there's one final caveat to voice that makes this very tricky even for people with unique, consistent voices. That is adaptability. Would it surprise you if I said 9/10 of my stories are 1st person told by a cynical, dissillusioned young man with a sharp tongue and an absurdist sense of humor? It's easy to be fun and unique and believable doing that. That's me. So much so that friends will routinely assume that the characters look and act exactly as I do in all situations. Sure, not every reader would know me, but consider the consequences. I'm terribly at writing women for instance, particularly in a lead role. Having even one good voice is a victory that shouldn't be ignored, but a good writer can warp that into several distinct voices which all still sound like the one author which is a feat of such stupendous rarity that it really lends creedence to that rumor. You know the one. That authors are not mere mortals, but the result of generations of selective breeding and genetic experiments performed by the US government to create a superhuman race trained for the purpose of anti-communist propaganda. Naturally, by the time the plan came to fruition the cold war was over and writers were loosed on an unsuspecting public.

Well anyway, hope that crazy rambling is at least somewhat useful to some of you in examining your own writing and whether or not you've over or underutilized anything.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Different yokes for different folks

Friday, October 1st. Robin Crew was brought in for questioning as a person of interest in the brutal murder and dismemberment of his free time earlier this week.

Police Chief Warren Bignews released a statement earlier today. "Although it is clear that Mr. Crew was not willfully involved in the heinous act of savage time killing that took place on Monday, we need to assess whether or not his self-inflicted, obviously masochistic schedule has left him without the ability to properly nurture his free time."

Mr. Crew released only a rambling, incoherent statement to the press about deadlines and duties as his defense. Leading Psychronologist Arthur Bull, best selling writer of "The proper care and feeding of Free Time" has suggested Mr. Crew is a Chroniopath, or one who feels time has no rights.


One interesting thing I should mention. Many publishers will give you free copies of upcoming books in exchange for reviews. Do you run a bookclub? Or a book review blog? You might be able to wrangle free materials out of them, but keeping up might be harder than you think. For starters, you need to do quite a few books. Most people don't read that much. It also means reading what they send you and doing so quickly. It also means focusing exclusively on front list. I dunno about you. I love books, but I'm not a bibliophile. I love video games just as much. I also watch movies, read the ocassional comic and listen to old radio dramas sometimes. Also, except for a few authors, I generally won't even read trade paperback. I wait for mass market. Save some money and give books time to get some reviews from people whose opinions I care about. The reccomendations of bookstore owners mean nothing to me. They may pick fantastic books, but they have a vested interest in selling them. Why did I start reading Lisa Sees? Because an old family friend whose opinion I respect reccomended her highly. If you don't read everything the minute it comes out, this situation may not work for you.

See, I had the privelage of being in a room full of book marketers today and they discussed the books they were reading. Most were recent. Some weren't out yet. One was reading a book from a few years ago that was being re-launched. I was reading a book hundreds of years older than myself. They looked at me like they'd never heard of the idea of "classics" much less the book in question, which is world famous. "Backlist? What's that?" It may be a big part of the business, but not for marketing. And marketing runs these endeavors, giving away promotional copies and whatnot.

Maybe it's just that I'm still mostly on the outside, but the sheer volume of information people in publishing walk around with is astonishing. The names and books they'll recognize instantly are on lists miles long. And if you say you're reading Catch-22 they'll ask if it was the one about the sad old Russian written by that drunk guy. And you'll just be left wonderinf who the hell they're thinking of and where they went to highschool that they've never read Catch 22.