Honestly

Big news, everybody. Of course, you've all heard of my best selling debut novel. After all, my psychological thriller "Only the Good Die Jung" now has 200,000 copies in print.

What you may not know is that today, I closed a deal for my second book. It's a family friendly spin-off of the first. Entitled "I Tweet Therefore I am" it tells the tale of a young ghost who overcomes a philosophical quandary in regards to the nature of his own existence and learns to communicate with the living via Twitter. Expect to see it on shelves, Spring 2012!

Or not. Most likely not. Also, if anyone now publishes books with those titles, please note that I reserve the right to hunt you down and beat you senseless. Or would if I wasn't a pacifist. I'll have to settle for a lawsuit. I'm much too miserable a person to think that someone else might profit from the products of my stupid humor and tremendous self-loathing. But that's neither here nor there.

I won't give you my titles, but I can tell you a little bit about how to maneuver in the world of publishing to increase your chances of getting someone to at least take a look at your shitty manuscript. A long time amateur writer, I am now pursuing a Master of Science at Pace University's Publishing program and working for an agent. I crush people's hopes and dreams 7 days a week, all from the convenience of my very own home! As such, I can tell you precisely what not to say to me if you expect me to read past the first sentence. Hopefully, as I grow from a crotchety old man of 24 to a creaky, senile old man I'll be able to add the perspectives of the varying functions I'll fill in the chaotic world of publishing.

I will also warn you that my advice is not for the faint of heart, weak of mind, or knotted of knickers. Sugar coating just ain't my thing. But worry not, my gentle readers. Always remember as you read my rambling, incoherent, spite filled exhortations that I only hate you because I care.