Year End Wrap Up Part IV: Demography

You know, there are so many other, probably cooler things I could do for my final year end wrap up. I had some pretty hilarious recollections of my life written out in screenplay format. Like, me getting beaten up as a child. Or striking out badly (how was I to know that epic poetry doesn't count as poetry when trying to pick up girls?). But let's be honest. Let's be clear about who I am what I stand for. Transperancy. Reaching across the aisle. Maverickism. Or TRAAM for short. That's my platform and that's my promise. So today I thought I'd discuss you. All of you. My beautiful and loyal constituents (vote for me).


Geography: I wish it'd break down where readers' are in more detail than merely country, but I'll deal. As you might imagine, it's almost all American. That's fine, except that there's one little thing. The agency gets a lot of queries from Canadian authors, both first time and already established. I've got nothing against that. But I have few enough hits from Canada that one could reasonably dismiss it as coincidence they found the place at all. Seriously. There are half as many Koreans who've seen this blog. And South Africans. And a lot of other things. There's actually twice as many hits from Russia. So a word to my writerly colleagues in the Great White North: Don't be such hosers, eh.

Browser and OS: About 46% of viewers use internet explorer. Then there's roughly 25 each for Firefox and Safari, then a host of other things I didn't really look at. Presumably smart phone browsers or something. Or maybe from the South Africans. Who knows? Interestingly though, Microsoft has 50% of the OS but Apple's got 40. 40 is a substantially larger number than the 25 commanded by its primary browser. 40 is also enormously more than the 10% or so of the market that apple machines make up. It's all good. As Basil Fawlty would say, I'm attracting the right customers. If not the elites, then at least the elitists.

Awww come on! I kid. I kid 'cuz I love. Really. I do. Please don't leave. Vote for meeeeeee. Don't you know-nothings know anything? Why, if it weren't for that generous campaign contribution Jobs gave me I'd never have secretly abused my authority to get him a transplant. Bosom buddies. That's what we are. As loyalists to Jobs it is your duty as good, God fearing Americans to VOTE FOR ME. I am not a crook.

Referral sites: Almost all of this actually comes from my bio over at the McVeigh Agency website. Anyone find me a different way? I'm reaching across the aisle to you. Speak up. Or I'll cry. Regardless, there are ocassional little bumps in traffic because someone will tweet about me, add me to their list of of links on their own blog, or do other things like that. Which is super cool of you all. I appreciate the votes. For me.

Total numbers: The biggest traffic actually came in October. I think this little blog o' mine first really went public towards the end of September when it wound up in the aforementioned staff bio at work. Presumably many people flooded in when it first went up and then left. Or they just don't check as regularly as they did in the beggining. It went from almost 1,200 in October to a little over 700 in November. Arrgh, my ego! However, it's at nearly 800 for December (and we've got this post yet!). I feel that this is evidence of a steady upward trend as our brand (me) gains traction with the core demograpbhics and jargon, jargon, jargon, buzzword, buzzword, buzzword. Long story short, I dunno if those numbers are good or not. But I'm pretty happy with it. And I'd like to keep those numbers rising slow and steady. Long as they're back up for the next election cycle.

Design: The design of the site is pretty much what it was from the start. I've been experimenting with different things in the sidebar, but I've never been a bells and whistles kind of guy. Apart from making the links garish and therefore easy to see, I've left a default template almost untouched because the brutal simplicity of white on black works well with my heavy handed soap box nonsense.

What you're doing: Jesus christ. Stop producing so much stuff. I still need to read Damien Walter Grintalis' piece that we represent. It's already been through the editorial ringer though and I wasn't one of the original people to do so. It's going to be a strange coversation with the boss. And that sample I linked to a while back for Jeremy Shipp's got me curious, so I should probably buy one of his. Meanwhile, I read several followers' blogs, though I rarely if ever post. I try to follow some people on Twitter. I should do more of both but... Why are you fuckers so prolific? I can't keep that shit straight. I follow like ten people and I already need Tweetdeck or whatever because I can't figure out where one conversation starts and another one ends. Or who is in on what? That's why I'm proud to announce that I'm making Travis the Howler Monkey my Official Campaign Social Media Guru or OC-SMEG (He's a real smeg head.) for short. I wanted Eduardo, my Thesis monkey for the job, but frankly, he had better things to do than to (how shall I put this?) monkey around on that godforsaken Twitterverse. Although you'll note I now follow God on Twitter. And God follows Justin Bieber. Truly, he works in mysterious ways.

In conclusion: Vote for me.

Year End Wrap Up Part III: Presolutions

Success
**I will not scoff at heavy handed religious moralism this holiday season. I actually managed to do this. I was so busy all the time that I couldn’t spare a thought for morality. ‘Sides, there was plenty else to scoff at or be otherwise annoyed with. First and foremost would be the myriad people who traveled a thousand miles to the heart of Manhattan to LOOK AT A TREE. Seems sort of backwards, doesn’t it?
**I will not play Dick Dale's version of Hava Nagila very loudly when carolers appear. I didn’t even have to pretend to be Jewish. I guess the Bear traps, pit traps, trip wires, and claymore rigged mines did the trick. I watched The Hebrew Hammer just to be safe, but I’m a little sorry I didn’t get to crack out my Billy Crystal impression. I can fool the best of them. You know what the old Jewish ladies tell their daughters and granddaughters? They say “Why don’t you settle down with that nice Crew boy? He’s quite a kvetch.”

*Drum roll*

HAI-YO!
**I will not publically humiliate myself more than twice a day. Easy fo’ reezy. Once you realize that humiliation is all in the mind, you can train yourself not to be embarrassed no matter what a huge ass you are. Supposedly some people even make a very good living that way. I’ll have to look into it.

** I will groan 30% less while reading the average query. Mission accomplished. All I had to do was reject ‘em 30% sooner.

Maybe?
**There is someone I would like to hurt very badly. I will not do this, although this is less a pre-resolution than a result of my confounded pacifism and legal concerns.
** I will conquer my pacifism.
** Pacifism defeated, I will conquer the world. I will then rewrite the legal standards and be free to hurt that person very badly. For everyone else, beer and skittles.So I haven’t actually taken over the world yet, but I’ve made some really impressive progress. Remember that post I made on December 11th? About American Nerd by Benjamin Nugent? Originally I’d planned that for a few weeks earlier but I was held up by a group called U.N.I.O.N. (Underground Nerd Information Obstruction Network). They’re a cabal of hackers that secretly rule the world from their mother’s basements. Or so they claim. They found some stuff on my hard drive, confronted me (some things they didn’t want posted- leaking of trade secrets), and long story short, I gave the first State of the U.N.I.O.N address a few weeks back, organized that hack on Citibank etc. in defense of Wikileaks, and basically, I’ve been organizing my greasy, brilliant sub-human compatriots. Soon, very soon the promised world of Beer and Skittles shall be here.

Fail?

**I will actually edit at least one of my own works in progress. Okay, yeah. No. I meant to do this between Christmas and New Years but after having apparently fallen off the face of the earth for four months, friends and family were crawling out of the wood work and demanding my constant attention. Boo. Well, joke’s on me. Shoulda seen it coming.
**I will whip my writing group into shape. To be fair, the productive part of the group has been more productive. The rest have become even less productive though. I dunno if you can even call it a dedicated writing group anymore.

Epic Fail!

**I will get a heart even if it means finding the Wizard. Okay, for the new year, I’ve decided to reword to “I will obtain a heart even if I must tear it from the wizard’s chest. Because frankly, my odds of success go way up under those conditions.

Year end wrap up Part II

My top five coolest bands discovered this year list continues! I meant to do it all at once, but there was more information than I thought. This should be a quicker section. Good, eh? Who wants to read about my crazy bands on Christmas? Get a life.

So, last time we left off with the Red Elvises and how they got me on a surf rock kick, and how one of those surf rock bands had a psychadelic edge. So that's where we'll pick up.

Dukes of the Stratosphear: After I played the (superior studio version) of this Red Elvis song for a friend, he commented that it reminded him of the Dukes. The who? I asked? The Duke of Earl? Don't ask. The Duke of Earl (or just "the Duke" for short is a running gag in my family). But no, the Dukes of the Stratosphear are basically an alternate name for XTC for them to concentrate on super funky pseudo psychadelia. I'm really not sure precisely what their problem is, but I think they're more fun as the Dukes than as XTC anyway. Coolsville, daddio.

Fifth and finally, because I know you're expecting something I found in some roundabout way from this tenuous connection to the Red Elvises, I present to you a band which has absolutely nothing to do with any of the rest of this which was quite simply placed in front of me by my brother. And that band is

Me First and the Gimme Gimmmes: I'm not really even sure what to say about this band because I don't know them that well. Here's what I know. They have a weird membership of people who come to them from other bands, and lots of...guest band members? The other thing I can say is that they do hard rock and heavy metal covers of folk rock and other random stuff (Somewhere Over the Rainbow? Really?.)My favorite is Blowin' in the Wind, which only takes a minute and a half the way they do it. Now that's talent. But check out that version of who put the bomp in the whatever. 'Cuz that's hardcore.

Well there you have it. The best five bands I first encountered this year. Join me next time as I examine my success with my Rejectionist pre-resolutions and then, if all goes well, on January first we'll dive into my promised editing for readers. I've already been told that "the edits were made of pure awesomeness. They'll help immensely. You should, like get a job in publishing or something."

Awww gee. It wouldn't feel right to get paid to help improve manuscripts. Which I guess if I work in publishing will never be a worry.

(Insert sound of drums rolling here).

Year end wrap up part I

So, a while back I decided to start doing lists again, as I used to do for a humor column back in college. For the most part, those were lists of the top five most non-existent things I’d like to see. Now that I’m an old man and even graduate school is now behind me, it’s time to temper idealism with some reality. So without further ado, here are the best five bands I was first introduced to in the past year.

1.The Red Elvises: This is where this year’s musical journey all began. Thanksgiving, 2009 my crazy Godfather insisted I watch a movie called Six String Samurai. Well, I got a Netflix subscription for Christmas, so I went ahead and put it on my list, and I’ve come to regard it as the best worst movie ever made. Ed Wood can suck it. First of all, I’d highly recommend the movie which involves Buddy Holly kicking ass in a post-apocalyptic wasteland which is both a parody of several famous works such as Good, the Bad and the Ugly and Mad Max 2, as well as being a sterling example of Retro Futurism, or a story that takes place in a future as it might’ve been projected in the past but which now obviously ludicrous. Take a wild guess who provided the extraordinary soundtrack for the movie?

That’s right! The Red Elvises. They also got a cameo (and were cut to ribbons pretty quickly.) Their payment for their work on the film consisted largely of music videos. Some were related to the movie and some were not. Either way, that was my introduction to them. I immediately went out and got the movie’s sound track and their 30 track, double CD greatest hits album. Ran me about 35 bucks between ‘em and well worth every penny. I listen to them A LOT. And for a few months nearly non-stop. After all, you’ve gotta love a band that teaches you valuable lessons (real cowboys start conga lines) and have the moxy to simply declare that “We are the Red Elvises, your favorite band.” They’re mostly known for being a retro rock group, maybe a little like the Stray Cats, but they do a little of everything. Disco. Reggae. Lounge jazz. Whatever crazy nonsense strikes their fancy. They are, in their own words, “crazy fatha muckas.” For proof, see their trademark “drum solo” where the whole band drops what they’re doing and all play the drums together. I’ve been dying to see them in concert even though they seem to be a lot better in the studio. On a sad note, one of their core members left to join a Russian circus. Does rock and roll pay so poorly today? What a bummer. Although it does make me think about Kurt Vonnegut’s book Cat’s Cradle every time I think of it and that cheers me up a little.

2. Man or Astro-Man?: When I realized that the Red Elvises’ Surfing in Siberia was clearly inspired by Dick Dale’s classic “Miserlou” it put me on a whole surf rock kick. Turns out that whole early and mid nineties surf rock revival entailed more than the Beach Boys coming out with ”Kokomo.” Not that I knew it in elementary school, but there was some good shit going down. The very best of which is Man or Astro-Man? Imagine if you will, that somebody managed to breed the aforementioned king of Surf Rock, Dick Dale with the Ever-Awesome Semi-Indie, Weird-Ass Alt-Rock gods known as They Might Be Giants. The result is what you might call “Space Rock.” It’s like a really driving, heavy, modern version of surf rock with the addition of beeps, boops, references to Sci-Fi and even, yes, clips straight from bad, B-Rated movies. If that reminds you of Mystery Science Theater 3000, that’s alright. I’ll give you two guesses who performed that show’s theme song. And really, if they’ve got approval from both me and Joel What’s-his-face what more do you need? Check ‘em out.

3. The Mermen: Rounding out the surf rock kick is another band from the 90s revival. But the Mermen are weird. I mean, really weird. What’s that you say? Astroman is weird? Well, yeah, maybe. But they’re supposed to be. And I think that the Red Elvises and Astroman are better described as being silly. The Mermen just have a really unusual style. See, although the sounds are those of rock and roll, many of the songs are very…I dunno. Experimental, maybe? They’re these meandering musical odysseys that feel to me almost as much like jazz. With rock, you expect it to be quick, repetitive, to get your blood pumping. To me, the Mermen seem almost as much like Jazz. even on their more intense rock-ish albums like A Glorious Lethal Euphoria it’s a very different vibe I get from these guys than I usually expect from my instrumental rock. And they’ve got a really funky psychedelic edge too. Maybe not so great for cruising, but they’re top tier for white noise when I’m working on something else.

Let's Make a Deal

The results are IN folks. All over the country, people are raving about my extraordinary editorial prowess.

“Also, just to note at minimum your help resulted in me cutting about 2000 words from the story and thus far I have made 5000 revisions based on my own judgment after reading your review and- and I'm only at page 110” – F in Texas

Those words totally had it coming.

“Is it weird that as I was writing it, I kept picturing you staring over my shoulder saying 'less is more' or 'awkward phrasing' or 'keep it simple', then slapping me on the back of the head?”- J from Georgia

No, of course not. Well, okay yes. It is weird. But also awesome. If I could somehow bottle and sell this…this…editorial superego I’ve fostered in you, I’d be filthy rich.

“I think you’re a great editor. I also think one day you’re going to edit the wrong person and you’ll be found floating face down in the Hudson the next morning.” – D From New York.
Okay. Woah. That went to a weird place. Let’s back that one up, huh?

Anyway, now you too can try Crewd Editing for yourself right in the convenience of your very own home. “ That’s Too good to be true!” You say? Nothing is too good to be true when Robin Crew is involved. Here’s how it works. The first person to post a reply to this comment wins the right to send me 20 pages of a WIP and I will edit those twenty pages for you, Tears guaranteed or the money you won’t have to pay me for my work anyway will be returned in full. The first page –with edits will appear on my blog because as they say “kill one enemy to warn a thousand.” If the first to comment has no WIP, they may give the right to the second poster. This will be a recurring thing. And remember, I’m an “editorial Assistant.” NOT the agent. Impressing me (or earning my enmity) means little as I do not officially speak for any agency, but am merely offering my eagle like eyes, my razor sharp mind, and my hideously, painfully blunt mannerisms. If that sounds like something you’d enjoy (weirdo) then comment away!

A Teaser

Are you troubled by awkward dialogue? Do you experience dread at the sight of a comma splice or dangling participle? Have you or any of your readers witnessed plot holes, excessive narration or a complete lack of grounding in your writing?

If the answer is yes, don't wait another minute. Log in now and contact the professionals.

TEXTBUSTERS.

Our ruthlessly efficient staff sits bleary eyed at his laptop 24 hours a day, ready to serve all your textual investigation and elimination needs.

WE'RE READY TO EDIT YOU.

A common misconception

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the fact that everyone seems to buy into the idea that publishing is nepotistic. That you need to know someone to get inside, and that you're pretty much screwed without it.

It isn't really true. What is true is that it's a surprisingly small and well connected industry and people move from job to job and company to company with an extremely high frequency. So yes, people will give honest reccomendations as well as foist anoying authors or acquaintances off on someone else as a way of calling in favors. What isn't true is that this is a normal or even useful part of the process.

See, there are two general reactions when this happens. "Thanks heaps, asshole." Which was more or less how the director at Big Corporate Internship explained her sentiment when I helped her unjam the printer. The jam occured because of a 550 page manuscript a friend of her uncle's sent her for review. And she's a marketer. The other response is basically "Not on your life." As one of my professors says, it's something she does once a decade because they're always awful and she only did it as a gift for someone else in the industry who requested it and to whom she owes favors. I've never heard good things come from this. Even if your manuscript is good, going through this channel rubs people the wrong way and isn't likely to get you any more attention than otherwise. If anything, it makes the reader bitter. And hurts your chances. Ultimately, every time I think of the situation, I can't help but remember that infamous scene from Space Balls.


Lone Star: Helmet! So... At last! We meet for the first time- For the last time!

Darth Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.

Lone Star: What?

Darth Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room mate.

Lone Star: What does that make us?

Darth Helmet: Absolutely nothing.