Year End Wrap Up Part III: Presolutions

Success
**I will not scoff at heavy handed religious moralism this holiday season. I actually managed to do this. I was so busy all the time that I couldn’t spare a thought for morality. ‘Sides, there was plenty else to scoff at or be otherwise annoyed with. First and foremost would be the myriad people who traveled a thousand miles to the heart of Manhattan to LOOK AT A TREE. Seems sort of backwards, doesn’t it?
**I will not play Dick Dale's version of Hava Nagila very loudly when carolers appear. I didn’t even have to pretend to be Jewish. I guess the Bear traps, pit traps, trip wires, and claymore rigged mines did the trick. I watched The Hebrew Hammer just to be safe, but I’m a little sorry I didn’t get to crack out my Billy Crystal impression. I can fool the best of them. You know what the old Jewish ladies tell their daughters and granddaughters? They say “Why don’t you settle down with that nice Crew boy? He’s quite a kvetch.”

*Drum roll*

HAI-YO!
**I will not publically humiliate myself more than twice a day. Easy fo’ reezy. Once you realize that humiliation is all in the mind, you can train yourself not to be embarrassed no matter what a huge ass you are. Supposedly some people even make a very good living that way. I’ll have to look into it.

** I will groan 30% less while reading the average query. Mission accomplished. All I had to do was reject ‘em 30% sooner.

Maybe?
**There is someone I would like to hurt very badly. I will not do this, although this is less a pre-resolution than a result of my confounded pacifism and legal concerns.
** I will conquer my pacifism.
** Pacifism defeated, I will conquer the world. I will then rewrite the legal standards and be free to hurt that person very badly. For everyone else, beer and skittles.So I haven’t actually taken over the world yet, but I’ve made some really impressive progress. Remember that post I made on December 11th? About American Nerd by Benjamin Nugent? Originally I’d planned that for a few weeks earlier but I was held up by a group called U.N.I.O.N. (Underground Nerd Information Obstruction Network). They’re a cabal of hackers that secretly rule the world from their mother’s basements. Or so they claim. They found some stuff on my hard drive, confronted me (some things they didn’t want posted- leaking of trade secrets), and long story short, I gave the first State of the U.N.I.O.N address a few weeks back, organized that hack on Citibank etc. in defense of Wikileaks, and basically, I’ve been organizing my greasy, brilliant sub-human compatriots. Soon, very soon the promised world of Beer and Skittles shall be here.

Fail?

**I will actually edit at least one of my own works in progress. Okay, yeah. No. I meant to do this between Christmas and New Years but after having apparently fallen off the face of the earth for four months, friends and family were crawling out of the wood work and demanding my constant attention. Boo. Well, joke’s on me. Shoulda seen it coming.
**I will whip my writing group into shape. To be fair, the productive part of the group has been more productive. The rest have become even less productive though. I dunno if you can even call it a dedicated writing group anymore.

Epic Fail!

**I will get a heart even if it means finding the Wizard. Okay, for the new year, I’ve decided to reword to “I will obtain a heart even if I must tear it from the wizard’s chest. Because frankly, my odds of success go way up under those conditions.