We're at the end of zombie awareness month, so I'ma try and write a trailer for a zombie movie I had in a dream involving the Myself and my friends the Mikoslavs. Kind of in a rush though and Blogger's been acting up on me recently as well, so apologies if this is stupid or the setup gets even more messed up than it should be.
Black Screen with text which follows the narrator,
Narrator (V.O)
They're nerdy...
Cut to:
Crew reaches for a replica sword on the shelf, but Cantor grabs his arm in mid motions.
Cantor
Hey! Never, ever stroke another man's
sword without permission!
Cut to:
Black screen again
Narrator (V.O)
Pedantic...
Cut To:
Crew and Keon stand in living room.
Crew
I think we're going to have to take
your car. Mine's like, 3/4 of a mile
away.
Keon
Come on, it couldn't be that far.
Where the hell did you park?
Crew
At the Shop Rite.
Keon
Man, that's maybe a 1/4 of a mile.
Crew
Sure, as the crow flies. Are you a crow?
No? Then shutup.
Cut To:
Black Screen
Narrator (V.O)
Little Shits.
Cut To:
Just, Cantor and Keon in kitchen.
Just
Hey. Who drank my all my OJ?
Cantor
At times like these, it's always safest
to assume that it was the one armed man.
Keon waves his one arm wildly.
Keon
I was framed. Framed I tells ya!
Cut To:
Black Screen
Narrator (V.O)
And they just might be humanity's
last hope.
Cut to:
Montage of zombie destruction. Middle aged man complains at great length to an uninterested Customer Service drone at a department store until drone hops the counter and attacks him. A Zombie fireman eats cat in tree. Little boy asks mother why that woman appears to be eating that man's face, mother starts to answer, and freezes in place. Etc. etc.
Narrator (V.O)
Crewd Entertainment Pictures presents
ZOM-COM.
Cut To:
"dress-up" montage. Just is surrounded by lab equipment. Coke and Mentos can clearly be seen. Crew and Cantor rifle through Cantor's real-metal replica armormy while Keon straps on on Nerf gun after another, McGyviered by Just with Coke and Mentos to fire at high speeds. Keon then kicks open the front door and screams a battle cry, shooting into the crowd of zombies in the driveway. Crew and Cantor rush out behind him and bludgeon knocked down zombies while calmly mutters notations re: zombie strength, stink, etc.
Narrator (V.O)
In December 2012 everything is going
to change.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Why Must You Do This To Me?
A couple of years ago, I read Orson Scott Card for the first time. Even though he's famous and all I didn't know anyone who read him. Until I was...23 most of my books were hand me downs from my mother and brother, plus whatever random stuff I happened to come across at book fairs. One day I happened to find that our library had a copy of Ender's Shadow, and recognizing the name of a legend in the field I was completely unfamiliar with, I thought I'd give it a whirl.
And it was good. Really good. Okay, to be fair it's not as if had the world's deepest story. And the ending was a bit anti-climactic- not to mention that the book itself tells nearly the same story as Ender's Game, simply from another viewpoint. But I hadn't read Ender's Game. And the new perspective, that of "Bean"- an almost sociopathic but utterly brilliant child who makes his appearance by forming a gang of oprhans at the age of four is simply amazing. I absolutely loved the character, thought the story was solid, and anything left underdeveloped was purely a result of the unusual concept of re-writing the same book from another POV. So's I said "This Card fellow seems pretty sharp." Then I chortled at my urbane wit and cried myself to sleep while trying to convince myself that I don't need friends and if they can't understand how great I am, then fuck 'em.
Anyway, being poor I did not run out an immediately buy a crapton of Card's books. It wasn't until months later at a library book fair (different library) where they were so desperate to get rid of them that it was the best price I'd ever seen- 5 bucks, you can fill a bag. Any size, really. Bring your own. A single Card book was there, so I threw it in the bag. Now, about a year later, I'm finally getting to it. Indeed, that library just had it's book fair last weekend. To be fair to me, I do go to several, and I got free books from Big Corporate Internship. I mean, I did read Stranger in a Strange Land within days of picking it up at that fair. And it was a mouldered first edition, so I didn't even need a book mark or anything. Every twenty pages or so the glue would just come undone and they'd fall out.
Anyway, why do I tell you this? Well, because I do like Card's writing. Which is why this particular book I picked up, The Call of the Earth: Homecoming: Volume 2:The Revenge of the Sequel annoys me a bit. Oh, the writing itself is still good and imaginative. It only builds steam as it goes. But the names. My God, the names. If you never take anything else away from this blog, remember this- giving people and places long, inpronouncable names is a bad idea, even in SF and Fantasy.
Let me explain. First of all, normal characters tend to have difficult enough names like Gabballufix and Rashgallivak, and before you think I'm trying to pull out harder names, try saying Vozmuzhalnoy Vozmozhno ten times fast. Hell, try saying it once at any speed you like. It takes a while, doesn't it? And it doesn't flow trippingly off the tongue, as they say in fancy pants MFA classes. Now you have to compound this problem by the fact that although places still only have one name, characters all have two. Vozmuz there is "shortend" to Moozh. I mean, seriously. Moozh. The hell? He's more or less the most dangerous man in the entire world, general of an enormous army and his name is MOOZH? Even characters with easy names like Kokor confuse you by having an alternate which is used interchangably (in this case, Kyoka, which is an actual name and I therefore imagine that Card didn't realize that.) Now multiply this by the enormous size of the cast (Another pet peeve of mine- keep your central cast under a dozen, please. If you can keep the central cast at less than half a dozen, it'd be even better)and you'll start to see why this is a problem. But wait, there's more. Read now and we'll also throw in EXTREMELY COMPLEX CHARACTER RELATIONS AT ABSOLUTELY NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE. Part of this comes from the characters themselves, and part from the world building. The book primarily takes place in and aroud the great city of Basilica, in which men have no *permanent* rights. Insofar as it relates to the discussion here, what matters is that marriage is a year long contract, and although it can be renewed as often as desired, it is expected that young, especially desirable women will play the field as it were. Fine as far as it goes. It's a decent bit of world building. The problem is it means everybody is related by blood or by marriage to every other character in the book. So keeping in mind who someone is and what their relation to the other half the conversation is makes for an absolute nightmare. And I have a pretty high tolerance for bullshit and I think otherwise that Card is pretty compelling all things considered. But this really weighs down the book. Next time you write a fantasy or SF, just know that it isn't a law that you need to make things insanely complicated or difficult to say. Yes, I get it. Tolkien actually created an Elvish language. Good for him. His books were boring as shit. Speak English. It's a lot more useful.
*update* I also wanted to present you fine folks with this delicious quote from the acknowledgements "Clark and Kathy Kidd provided me with a refuge during the last week of the writing of this novel; fully half of it came forth under their roof..." Tell me that doesn't sound like he wrote it in less than two weeks. Although, where SF writers are concerned, stranger things have happened than writing a book every other week.
And it was good. Really good. Okay, to be fair it's not as if had the world's deepest story. And the ending was a bit anti-climactic- not to mention that the book itself tells nearly the same story as Ender's Game, simply from another viewpoint. But I hadn't read Ender's Game. And the new perspective, that of "Bean"- an almost sociopathic but utterly brilliant child who makes his appearance by forming a gang of oprhans at the age of four is simply amazing. I absolutely loved the character, thought the story was solid, and anything left underdeveloped was purely a result of the unusual concept of re-writing the same book from another POV. So's I said "This Card fellow seems pretty sharp." Then I chortled at my urbane wit and cried myself to sleep while trying to convince myself that I don't need friends and if they can't understand how great I am, then fuck 'em.
Anyway, being poor I did not run out an immediately buy a crapton of Card's books. It wasn't until months later at a library book fair (different library) where they were so desperate to get rid of them that it was the best price I'd ever seen- 5 bucks, you can fill a bag. Any size, really. Bring your own. A single Card book was there, so I threw it in the bag. Now, about a year later, I'm finally getting to it. Indeed, that library just had it's book fair last weekend. To be fair to me, I do go to several, and I got free books from Big Corporate Internship. I mean, I did read Stranger in a Strange Land within days of picking it up at that fair. And it was a mouldered first edition, so I didn't even need a book mark or anything. Every twenty pages or so the glue would just come undone and they'd fall out.
Anyway, why do I tell you this? Well, because I do like Card's writing. Which is why this particular book I picked up, The Call of the Earth: Homecoming: Volume 2:The Revenge of the Sequel annoys me a bit. Oh, the writing itself is still good and imaginative. It only builds steam as it goes. But the names. My God, the names. If you never take anything else away from this blog, remember this- giving people and places long, inpronouncable names is a bad idea, even in SF and Fantasy.
Let me explain. First of all, normal characters tend to have difficult enough names like Gabballufix and Rashgallivak, and before you think I'm trying to pull out harder names, try saying Vozmuzhalnoy Vozmozhno ten times fast. Hell, try saying it once at any speed you like. It takes a while, doesn't it? And it doesn't flow trippingly off the tongue, as they say in fancy pants MFA classes. Now you have to compound this problem by the fact that although places still only have one name, characters all have two. Vozmuz there is "shortend" to Moozh. I mean, seriously. Moozh. The hell? He's more or less the most dangerous man in the entire world, general of an enormous army and his name is MOOZH? Even characters with easy names like Kokor confuse you by having an alternate which is used interchangably (in this case, Kyoka, which is an actual name and I therefore imagine that Card didn't realize that.) Now multiply this by the enormous size of the cast (Another pet peeve of mine- keep your central cast under a dozen, please. If you can keep the central cast at less than half a dozen, it'd be even better)and you'll start to see why this is a problem. But wait, there's more. Read now and we'll also throw in EXTREMELY COMPLEX CHARACTER RELATIONS AT ABSOLUTELY NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE. Part of this comes from the characters themselves, and part from the world building. The book primarily takes place in and aroud the great city of Basilica, in which men have no *permanent* rights. Insofar as it relates to the discussion here, what matters is that marriage is a year long contract, and although it can be renewed as often as desired, it is expected that young, especially desirable women will play the field as it were. Fine as far as it goes. It's a decent bit of world building. The problem is it means everybody is related by blood or by marriage to every other character in the book. So keeping in mind who someone is and what their relation to the other half the conversation is makes for an absolute nightmare. And I have a pretty high tolerance for bullshit and I think otherwise that Card is pretty compelling all things considered. But this really weighs down the book. Next time you write a fantasy or SF, just know that it isn't a law that you need to make things insanely complicated or difficult to say. Yes, I get it. Tolkien actually created an Elvish language. Good for him. His books were boring as shit. Speak English. It's a lot more useful.
*update* I also wanted to present you fine folks with this delicious quote from the acknowledgements "Clark and Kathy Kidd provided me with a refuge during the last week of the writing of this novel; fully half of it came forth under their roof..." Tell me that doesn't sound like he wrote it in less than two weeks. Although, where SF writers are concerned, stranger things have happened than writing a book every other week.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The Muse in Muzak
You know, in all my multi-media ramblings, I haven’t really touched on music since my Year End Wrap Up. And that was all of what? Five months ago? An eternity, folks. So without further ado, allow me to introduce my five most recent musical discoveries, the folks I listen to when I write, when I script my game, when I write these posts, and yes, when I read your queries.
1. Brental Floss: You folks may or may not find him funny. Personally, I think he’s hilarious. And I know this makes me sound like a huge nerd, (oh noes! The cat’s out of the bag now) but he’s the Weird Al of video games. If on the off chance any of you are actually closet classic gamers in disguise, you’ll be glad to know he’s got an album out, but the hard copy can only be bought from one store. You can get the MP3s from Amazon or iTunes though. When I did, one of the tracks didn’t download though. So angry, Amazon. So very angry.
2. Daikaiju: Last time I did this, prominently featured was Man or Astroman, a 90s surf rock revival with a sci-fi theme and a heavy dose of psychedelic undertone. The fact is that they’re awesome, but they sort of petered out. Their first three albums are solid gold but they sort of faded to being merely good. That’s where Daikaiju, a more recent giant monster themed band comes in. The description of the you-tube posting of my favorite of their songs, “The Trouble with those Mothra girls” is accompanied by a fan’s description which runs thus- “This song makes em want to surf on the juices produced by my own melted face. Truth is you're simply not worthy. Press your face against your speaker and BLOW YOUR MIND.” And it's true. You're not. But Daikaiju in their ultimate wisdom and compassion will allow you to listen anyway. Still, I think you should check out the live version here if only to see the killer guitar work at the end. Not only are these guys about the most kick-ass instrumental band ever, but even though they’re not big time, they’re tireless self promoters, which all y’all should look into.
3. Reverend Horton Heat: You’d think I’d have been listening to these folks all along. I like goofy, up-tempo stuff, and being that I actually know who Johnny Horton (Jen-You-Wine 50s honky-tonk) is, I can’t really think of who would be the intended audience if not me. But I was never really in on the psychobilly crowd before now. Maybe I should be.
4. Well, while I’m on the topic of psychobilly, I would be remiss not to mention The Meteors, even though I don’t honestly know that much about them. Do I need to?
5. Los Straightjackets: If you’re interested in some top tier straight up classic Ventures style instrumental surf rock, these just might be your boys. And yes, they always wear those Mexican wrestling masks. Why you ask? Well don’t. You don’t know what they’ll do to you if you piss ‘em off. They’s kuhraaaazy. Also, they’ll be celebrating my birth with a free concert in Rowayton CT towards the end of July, if any of you fine folks care to join me in rocking the fuck out.
1. Brental Floss: You folks may or may not find him funny. Personally, I think he’s hilarious. And I know this makes me sound like a huge nerd, (oh noes! The cat’s out of the bag now) but he’s the Weird Al of video games. If on the off chance any of you are actually closet classic gamers in disguise, you’ll be glad to know he’s got an album out, but the hard copy can only be bought from one store. You can get the MP3s from Amazon or iTunes though. When I did, one of the tracks didn’t download though. So angry, Amazon. So very angry.
2. Daikaiju: Last time I did this, prominently featured was Man or Astroman, a 90s surf rock revival with a sci-fi theme and a heavy dose of psychedelic undertone. The fact is that they’re awesome, but they sort of petered out. Their first three albums are solid gold but they sort of faded to being merely good. That’s where Daikaiju, a more recent giant monster themed band comes in. The description of the you-tube posting of my favorite of their songs, “The Trouble with those Mothra girls” is accompanied by a fan’s description which runs thus- “This song makes em want to surf on the juices produced by my own melted face. Truth is you're simply not worthy. Press your face against your speaker and BLOW YOUR MIND.” And it's true. You're not. But Daikaiju in their ultimate wisdom and compassion will allow you to listen anyway. Still, I think you should check out the live version here if only to see the killer guitar work at the end. Not only are these guys about the most kick-ass instrumental band ever, but even though they’re not big time, they’re tireless self promoters, which all y’all should look into.
3. Reverend Horton Heat: You’d think I’d have been listening to these folks all along. I like goofy, up-tempo stuff, and being that I actually know who Johnny Horton (Jen-You-Wine 50s honky-tonk) is, I can’t really think of who would be the intended audience if not me. But I was never really in on the psychobilly crowd before now. Maybe I should be.
4. Well, while I’m on the topic of psychobilly, I would be remiss not to mention The Meteors, even though I don’t honestly know that much about them. Do I need to?
5. Los Straightjackets: If you’re interested in some top tier straight up classic Ventures style instrumental surf rock, these just might be your boys. And yes, they always wear those Mexican wrestling masks. Why you ask? Well don’t. You don’t know what they’ll do to you if you piss ‘em off. They’s kuhraaaazy. Also, they’ll be celebrating my birth with a free concert in Rowayton CT towards the end of July, if any of you fine folks care to join me in rocking the fuck out.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Random Things, Back to Books
So first off, I wanted to say that I got a couple of video game related query letters this week and if I get one a month I’m surprised. Most of them are terrible. Largely because the writers know squat about games. The ones I received last week were terrible. Largely because the writers weren’t very good. Actually, one wasn’t bad but the dialogue and such was clearly meant as this bizarre absurdist thing. If you can successfully imagine the voices of a sketch comedy group voicing every line in the book (Monty Python > Whitest Kids U’ Know > Tim and Eric>>>>>>Upright Citizen’s Brigade) then it just might work. I know from experience that stuff that seems hilarious, and may actually provoke giggle fits if read out loud frequently fall flat when it’s just words on paper, but good luck to that guy. Anyway, hurrah! A higher class of bad game-inspired writing.
Second, it seems that every week now we get e-mails from a foreign literary agency looking for an American co-agent. Mostly they’re from India and China. You guys are probably well aware of my personal and academic interest in Asia, as well as my unfocused MUST CONSUME ALL MEDIA mindset. So when I get e-mails from South Korean agencies looking for an American co-agent for an illustrated hand guide to Greek and Roman mythology the “holy shit, that’s weird and roundabout” center of my brain is stimulated. I don’t think the boss has any interest in co-agenting anything at the moment, but I’m entertained. So keep it coming. Wheeee. On a side note, I love seeing cultural exchange and I’ve seen some pretty interesting pitches this way (good or bad, frequently depending on the author’s-local-agent’s knowledge of English) but at the same time, more foreign books means less space for emerging writers over here. Well, that’s where it’s heading. From my perspective as a consumer, it’s a good thing. From my perspective as a writer wannabe and an aspiring agent, maybe not so good.
Finally, I also wanted to mention a dream I had the other day. It was very, very strange. I’m not really sure what it was supposed to mean or if you’ll be as entertained by it as I was. Truth be told, I’m telling you as much so I won’t forget as anything. In the dream, I was applying for a full time agency assistant job. No surprise there. It fills my waking hours. Why not the sleeping ones? But there was actually a time leap. My first interview when there were two people who ran it out of a house in the suburbs, and then again six months later. Two “BFFs” broke it off because they couldn’t stand working together. So the one that continued the business needed fresh meat. Most of the dream was about the second interview. In the interim, one of the dream agents had moved out. The other had redesigned the place and subletted the basement to this weird group of like, Swiss models or something in order to be able to pay for an assistant. One guy, two women. The interview itself wasn’t solo. There were two other guys- one I know from my publishing program (but not very well) and one from college, who wouldn’t have the slightest interest in that kind of job and who was inexplicably called Harry when his name is actually Joe. I think there was maybe a sub-plot there I never got around to. Anyway, she basically made us compete for the job. In our underwear. Apparently she was a man hater and thought this’d be a good way to keep us in line. Harry-Joe had to ride a Unicycle and juggle. What that has to do with agenting is beyond me. I forget what the second guy had to do but these things made me nervous enough that when I was ordered to give a lecture I wound up squawking in this weird British accent. At which point, the dream agent hussled us downstairs and we all formed a line to eat lunch from this elaborate buffet the Swiss models set up.
Honestly, although I can sorta see how it reflects my impression and fortunes looking for an assistant job, (i.e. the shit one must go through and the inevitable discrimination for being a male in publishing) I also got this weird horror movie vibe off it. That the models weren’t really models but other applicants that she’d conducted experiments on to make them that way. Or something. Who knows. The dream ended at the buffet. It’s a shame because I was pretty amused. Confusing the hell out of me is pretty much the main route to entertainment, y’see. Pondering non-sense is how I know I’m alive.
Second, it seems that every week now we get e-mails from a foreign literary agency looking for an American co-agent. Mostly they’re from India and China. You guys are probably well aware of my personal and academic interest in Asia, as well as my unfocused MUST CONSUME ALL MEDIA mindset. So when I get e-mails from South Korean agencies looking for an American co-agent for an illustrated hand guide to Greek and Roman mythology the “holy shit, that’s weird and roundabout” center of my brain is stimulated. I don’t think the boss has any interest in co-agenting anything at the moment, but I’m entertained. So keep it coming. Wheeee. On a side note, I love seeing cultural exchange and I’ve seen some pretty interesting pitches this way (good or bad, frequently depending on the author’s-local-agent’s knowledge of English) but at the same time, more foreign books means less space for emerging writers over here. Well, that’s where it’s heading. From my perspective as a consumer, it’s a good thing. From my perspective as a writer wannabe and an aspiring agent, maybe not so good.
Finally, I also wanted to mention a dream I had the other day. It was very, very strange. I’m not really sure what it was supposed to mean or if you’ll be as entertained by it as I was. Truth be told, I’m telling you as much so I won’t forget as anything. In the dream, I was applying for a full time agency assistant job. No surprise there. It fills my waking hours. Why not the sleeping ones? But there was actually a time leap. My first interview when there were two people who ran it out of a house in the suburbs, and then again six months later. Two “BFFs” broke it off because they couldn’t stand working together. So the one that continued the business needed fresh meat. Most of the dream was about the second interview. In the interim, one of the dream agents had moved out. The other had redesigned the place and subletted the basement to this weird group of like, Swiss models or something in order to be able to pay for an assistant. One guy, two women. The interview itself wasn’t solo. There were two other guys- one I know from my publishing program (but not very well) and one from college, who wouldn’t have the slightest interest in that kind of job and who was inexplicably called Harry when his name is actually Joe. I think there was maybe a sub-plot there I never got around to. Anyway, she basically made us compete for the job. In our underwear. Apparently she was a man hater and thought this’d be a good way to keep us in line. Harry-Joe had to ride a Unicycle and juggle. What that has to do with agenting is beyond me. I forget what the second guy had to do but these things made me nervous enough that when I was ordered to give a lecture I wound up squawking in this weird British accent. At which point, the dream agent hussled us downstairs and we all formed a line to eat lunch from this elaborate buffet the Swiss models set up.
Honestly, although I can sorta see how it reflects my impression and fortunes looking for an assistant job, (i.e. the shit one must go through and the inevitable discrimination for being a male in publishing) I also got this weird horror movie vibe off it. That the models weren’t really models but other applicants that she’d conducted experiments on to make them that way. Or something. Who knows. The dream ended at the buffet. It’s a shame because I was pretty amused. Confusing the hell out of me is pretty much the main route to entertainment, y’see. Pondering non-sense is how I know I’m alive.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Balancing Bad-Ass and Believability
Not that games are great at it, but better than movies leastaways. You know, in assembling this list of a representation of the most relatable males in gaming, I couldn’t help notice how many characters only have one name. What gives?
5. Zero: Appears in Megaman X and Megaman Zero series, published by Capcom
Oh man, talk about classic. Zero first appears way back in the early 90s in the first Megaman X game. If I had to sum Zero up in as few words as possible, it’d sound something like “Honor. Duty. Ponytails.” Seriously. He’s an ultra lethal future samurai working as the equivalent of a police officer. In X series, “reploids” have true AI and even unique DNA patterns (I guess they’re part organic?) but they can be infected with a virus that makes them unstable or violent. That’s called going Maverick, and Zero is the greatest hunter there is, outstripping even X, the title character. It’s tempting to pass Zero off as an anti-hero because he tends to play “bad cop” next to X, but the fact is that although Zero will do anything it takes, it’s only because he’s about the most selfless thing ever to walk on two legs. In X4, he’s forced to fight and kill a man he respects (a colonel in the “repliforce” which is exactly what it sounds like), and that man’s younger sister (Iris) whom he loves but who attacks him in revenge even though he kind of wished they’d win the fights. In X5, his allies start turning on him left and right, but he doesn’t bat an eye when they order him on a suicide mission. All for the sake of the world. And after X6, afraid he may be going Maverick, he seals himself for a century to purge any impurities and awakes in the Megaman Zero series only to find that in his absence X has gone maverick and has turned the world into a dystopian hell hole leaving Zero with no choice but to fight his best friend. Despite being utterly selfless, Zero generally doesn’t seem to want to take responsibility for making decisions and yet also finds himself playing Devil’s Advocate. Although he’s relatable, I don’t think I can put him any higher on the list because in real life, he’d probably be really hard to get a long with, but… listen to that rockin’ theme music!
4. Jutah: Appears in Silent Bomber published by Bandai.
Even though his game got good reviews, I don’t think it was ever very popular and sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who remembers it. Indeed, I still remember how I first noticed it. It was the incongruity of the title. How does one bomb silently? This perplexing mystery forced me to look at the case. “Ah.” I said. “’It’s a sci-fi. The answer is obvious then. In space, no one can hear you bomb.” In all seriousness, although as a cynical old man Jutah strikes me as a little too emo, he was exactly the kind of character I wrote in middle school and highschool. One of those seemingly very common super soldiers raised in a lab. After discovering that a building he’d destroyed was full of civilians, he turned his back on the whole affair and wound up not resisting as he was arrested as a war criminal. Several years later, for atonement’s sake, he joined a (suicide) squad of prisoners led by a handful of military personnel when a new war breaks out. On the one hand, Jutah’s cold demeanor and ability to kick the shit out of entire armies single handedly make him seem all but unstoppable. On the other, he has some very glaring character flaws, most notably his refusal to act except when under direct orders. The only time in the entire game he goes on an “unauthorized” mission is to rescue his commanding officer. He’s got some surprisingly strong characterization, especially for the hero of an action game. One which never even got a sequel.
3. 3. Ryusei Date From Super Robot Wars published in America by Atlus USA
Super Robot Wars has the unique honor of being the best series of licensed games ever made. It also helped revitalize the mecha genre in Japanese television. The series has been around so long that they’ve created a ton and a half of new characters and machines to put beside ones they’ve licensed from TV studios. And I wish I could be talking about the original original, the hot headed but heroic Masaki Andoh, pilot of the Cybuster. Or for that matter, Excellen Browning, the pun loving Beauty who pilots the Weissritter. But I said I was going to cover relatable men, and Masaki’s a bit of an archetype and Excellen isn’t a man. Ryusei Date on the other hand is an almost disturbingly accurate portrayal of the average SRW player. He’s about 20, idealistic, talented, but inexperienced. He was recruited to be a test pilot in in an unusual fashion which only makes his lack of knowledge or concern for military protocol stand out even more. He’s also a huge doofus. As an example, he has little understanding or awareness much less concern for the real women around him, including his childhood friend Kusuha (a nurse who becomes a pilot), his commanding officer Aya (famous both for her strong telekinetic powers and her skimpy outfits) or Latuni (a lab raised super soldier and one of the best pilots, who views him as a knight in shining armor). On the other hand, he tends to drool over giant robots with a feminine appearance like the Valsione or the Angelg. It just makes me a little sad because in real life, Ryusei would probably be my best friend. Oh, and if you’re not afraid of blowing your mind, check this out. It works so well for those two.
2. Jude Maverick from Wild ARMs 4 published by XSEED
Jude, don’t make it bad. Take a sad game and make it better. You’ll note that Jude is from the same game as Raquel who was on my list of awesome female characters. What can I say? WA4 developed its cast really well. In certain respects, Jude is the prototypical hero for an RPG. He’s oddly young, extremely stubborn and naïve all the stuff one would expect. The difference is that WA4 actually goes somewhere with it. That game is very much a coming of age story and Jude as the main character is the one whose transition into adulthood is our primary concern. As a result there are two things that stand out about his development. First is the sheer amount of terror and tragedy. You know how much I love tragedy. If you want to understand someone, you have to look at how they act when the shit hits the fan. Which is the second thing. In most games a character’s personality is set up and never changes. In a well written one it’s set up to contrast with other characters, and then doesn’t change much from there. Most of the writing is so centered on the main plot (assuming there is much writing at all) that characters rarely get to stand around and soliloquize, and the games that do that usually get wordy and boring. Jude actually seems to develop though. Where he ends up isn’t far from where he started, but you see every victory and every failure takes its toll. The game also has an epilogue. You’d think a guy with such a strong desire to help people with skills like his would’ve gone into law enforcement. But no. He actually winds up as a bloody park ranger. Seriously. The indication is that by game’s end, he’s so sick and so confused by people that he withdraws from society. Pretty far cry from the typical fate of a game’s hero which is *always* one of the following three things A) Blaze of glory B) Return home or C) Adventuring into the unknown.
1. Zeri from Valkyria Chronicles II published by Sega
Zeri, the hero with no last name. Valkyria Chronicles is a weird series. Storywise, it’s a combination of high fantasy, highschool comedy and War Drama. Specifically, WWII. Don’t ask what would make someone think to combine those three things. I couldn’t tell you. Regardless, here’s how it works. In the world of VC, the Darcsens are believed to have caused terrible devestation in the ancient past and were only stopped by the godly Valkyrur, a godlike race which had more or less vanished from the pages of history. The history books are wrong though. It was the Valkyrur who were the agressors and the Darcsens were the only ones who stood in their way. Never the less, they’ve been persecuted for centuries, forced to work in the mines, to live in slums, accused of being cold-minded, physically weak, etc. In case you haven’t figured it out, Darcsens are the VC world’s Jewish community. Zeri disagrees with the majority of Darcsens who refuse to fight even in self defense. He argues that strategy hasn’t worked and the best way to protect his people is for him to become a “hero.” That is, someone so well known and connected that the whole world will have to rethink its position. Although the game’s hero Avan is the inspiring one and comes up with a lot of their plans, Zeri as the smart one has to figure out how to make it work. He’s also sarcastic and sharp tongued. In truth, he likes having a rival and as much as he claims to dislike certain people, it’s only to try and maintain objectivity on the battlefield. And yet he throws himself into danger repeatedly, either as the center of an extremely dangerous plan or to rescue others. It’s such a fantastic balance. All at once he’s an egotistical jerk and everything he does is informed by his desire to come out looking like a hero, but in a pinch you can see his legitimately "heroic" instinct.
5. Zero: Appears in Megaman X and Megaman Zero series, published by Capcom
Oh man, talk about classic. Zero first appears way back in the early 90s in the first Megaman X game. If I had to sum Zero up in as few words as possible, it’d sound something like “Honor. Duty. Ponytails.” Seriously. He’s an ultra lethal future samurai working as the equivalent of a police officer. In X series, “reploids” have true AI and even unique DNA patterns (I guess they’re part organic?) but they can be infected with a virus that makes them unstable or violent. That’s called going Maverick, and Zero is the greatest hunter there is, outstripping even X, the title character. It’s tempting to pass Zero off as an anti-hero because he tends to play “bad cop” next to X, but the fact is that although Zero will do anything it takes, it’s only because he’s about the most selfless thing ever to walk on two legs. In X4, he’s forced to fight and kill a man he respects (a colonel in the “repliforce” which is exactly what it sounds like), and that man’s younger sister (Iris) whom he loves but who attacks him in revenge even though he kind of wished they’d win the fights. In X5, his allies start turning on him left and right, but he doesn’t bat an eye when they order him on a suicide mission. All for the sake of the world. And after X6, afraid he may be going Maverick, he seals himself for a century to purge any impurities and awakes in the Megaman Zero series only to find that in his absence X has gone maverick and has turned the world into a dystopian hell hole leaving Zero with no choice but to fight his best friend. Despite being utterly selfless, Zero generally doesn’t seem to want to take responsibility for making decisions and yet also finds himself playing Devil’s Advocate. Although he’s relatable, I don’t think I can put him any higher on the list because in real life, he’d probably be really hard to get a long with, but… listen to that rockin’ theme music!
4. Jutah: Appears in Silent Bomber published by Bandai.
Even though his game got good reviews, I don’t think it was ever very popular and sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who remembers it. Indeed, I still remember how I first noticed it. It was the incongruity of the title. How does one bomb silently? This perplexing mystery forced me to look at the case. “Ah.” I said. “’It’s a sci-fi. The answer is obvious then. In space, no one can hear you bomb.” In all seriousness, although as a cynical old man Jutah strikes me as a little too emo, he was exactly the kind of character I wrote in middle school and highschool. One of those seemingly very common super soldiers raised in a lab. After discovering that a building he’d destroyed was full of civilians, he turned his back on the whole affair and wound up not resisting as he was arrested as a war criminal. Several years later, for atonement’s sake, he joined a (suicide) squad of prisoners led by a handful of military personnel when a new war breaks out. On the one hand, Jutah’s cold demeanor and ability to kick the shit out of entire armies single handedly make him seem all but unstoppable. On the other, he has some very glaring character flaws, most notably his refusal to act except when under direct orders. The only time in the entire game he goes on an “unauthorized” mission is to rescue his commanding officer. He’s got some surprisingly strong characterization, especially for the hero of an action game. One which never even got a sequel.
3. 3. Ryusei Date From Super Robot Wars published in America by Atlus USA
Super Robot Wars has the unique honor of being the best series of licensed games ever made. It also helped revitalize the mecha genre in Japanese television. The series has been around so long that they’ve created a ton and a half of new characters and machines to put beside ones they’ve licensed from TV studios. And I wish I could be talking about the original original, the hot headed but heroic Masaki Andoh, pilot of the Cybuster. Or for that matter, Excellen Browning, the pun loving Beauty who pilots the Weissritter. But I said I was going to cover relatable men, and Masaki’s a bit of an archetype and Excellen isn’t a man. Ryusei Date on the other hand is an almost disturbingly accurate portrayal of the average SRW player. He’s about 20, idealistic, talented, but inexperienced. He was recruited to be a test pilot in in an unusual fashion which only makes his lack of knowledge or concern for military protocol stand out even more. He’s also a huge doofus. As an example, he has little understanding or awareness much less concern for the real women around him, including his childhood friend Kusuha (a nurse who becomes a pilot), his commanding officer Aya (famous both for her strong telekinetic powers and her skimpy outfits) or Latuni (a lab raised super soldier and one of the best pilots, who views him as a knight in shining armor). On the other hand, he tends to drool over giant robots with a feminine appearance like the Valsione or the Angelg. It just makes me a little sad because in real life, Ryusei would probably be my best friend. Oh, and if you’re not afraid of blowing your mind, check this out. It works so well for those two.
2. Jude Maverick from Wild ARMs 4 published by XSEED
Jude, don’t make it bad. Take a sad game and make it better. You’ll note that Jude is from the same game as Raquel who was on my list of awesome female characters. What can I say? WA4 developed its cast really well. In certain respects, Jude is the prototypical hero for an RPG. He’s oddly young, extremely stubborn and naïve all the stuff one would expect. The difference is that WA4 actually goes somewhere with it. That game is very much a coming of age story and Jude as the main character is the one whose transition into adulthood is our primary concern. As a result there are two things that stand out about his development. First is the sheer amount of terror and tragedy. You know how much I love tragedy. If you want to understand someone, you have to look at how they act when the shit hits the fan. Which is the second thing. In most games a character’s personality is set up and never changes. In a well written one it’s set up to contrast with other characters, and then doesn’t change much from there. Most of the writing is so centered on the main plot (assuming there is much writing at all) that characters rarely get to stand around and soliloquize, and the games that do that usually get wordy and boring. Jude actually seems to develop though. Where he ends up isn’t far from where he started, but you see every victory and every failure takes its toll. The game also has an epilogue. You’d think a guy with such a strong desire to help people with skills like his would’ve gone into law enforcement. But no. He actually winds up as a bloody park ranger. Seriously. The indication is that by game’s end, he’s so sick and so confused by people that he withdraws from society. Pretty far cry from the typical fate of a game’s hero which is *always* one of the following three things A) Blaze of glory B) Return home or C) Adventuring into the unknown.
1. Zeri from Valkyria Chronicles II published by Sega
Zeri, the hero with no last name. Valkyria Chronicles is a weird series. Storywise, it’s a combination of high fantasy, highschool comedy and War Drama. Specifically, WWII. Don’t ask what would make someone think to combine those three things. I couldn’t tell you. Regardless, here’s how it works. In the world of VC, the Darcsens are believed to have caused terrible devestation in the ancient past and were only stopped by the godly Valkyrur, a godlike race which had more or less vanished from the pages of history. The history books are wrong though. It was the Valkyrur who were the agressors and the Darcsens were the only ones who stood in their way. Never the less, they’ve been persecuted for centuries, forced to work in the mines, to live in slums, accused of being cold-minded, physically weak, etc. In case you haven’t figured it out, Darcsens are the VC world’s Jewish community. Zeri disagrees with the majority of Darcsens who refuse to fight even in self defense. He argues that strategy hasn’t worked and the best way to protect his people is for him to become a “hero.” That is, someone so well known and connected that the whole world will have to rethink its position. Although the game’s hero Avan is the inspiring one and comes up with a lot of their plans, Zeri as the smart one has to figure out how to make it work. He’s also sarcastic and sharp tongued. In truth, he likes having a rival and as much as he claims to dislike certain people, it’s only to try and maintain objectivity on the battlefield. And yet he throws himself into danger repeatedly, either as the center of an extremely dangerous plan or to rescue others. It’s such a fantastic balance. All at once he’s an egotistical jerk and everything he does is informed by his desire to come out looking like a hero, but in a pinch you can see his legitimately "heroic" instinct.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
A Rose by Any Other Name is Just as Thorny
I know a lot of folks maintain this delusion that video games are for men only at that female characters are all helpless weak airheads or mere sex symbols. Because I enjoy proving people wrong, here's just a small sampling of some of my favorite heroines in gaming history. Also, in case you're interested, I've included images of 'em so you won't need to look through any awkward cheescake or cosplay. I won't lie to you. There's still a lot of weirdos out there.
#5 Samus Aran of the Metroid series Published by Nintendo
Here’s what you need to know about Samus Aran. She’s Lt. Ripley of Aliens, if Ripley wore a tank instead of clothing. No, seriously. And I believe I’ve already expressed my love and admiration for Ripley in the alien movies . Take out references to a male lead, replace civilian child with Metroid Hatchling and Queen Alien with Mother Brain, Space Pirate Extraordinaire and poof! Plus, Metroid is one of the classic series that defined platforming adventure games. She was about the first really cool, devastating heroine in video game history. Indeed, most gamers would probably give me flak for not putting her higher on the list, but truth be told her character was never really developed. It got its power from being the only female lead around back in the day and from the inevitable comparison to Aliens. Now it runs largely on nostalgia. Far as I know, only one game has attempted to give her a real personality at all- the relatively recent Metroid Other M which was roundly criticized for being stupid So there you have it. I can’t list her any higher with such weak development, no matter how many times she kicks me square in the nostalgia cortex.
#4 Deis – Breath of Fire Series Published by Capcom
God I love Deis. Objectively however, I’m not sure I can put her any higher on the list. She appears in four games- Breath of Fire I-IV and has three distinct but equally delicious personalities. In I and II, she’s an all-powerful airhead. She’s a secret character so her motivations are totally frivolous (and as I recall amount primarily to a combination of boredom resulting from near immortality and the fact that the main character is handsome and she’s been lacking interesting things to look at in her dungeon.) She’s also hideously, game breakingly powerful. Her magic will pretty much destroy all your enemies in a snap. In the third game, she’s no longer playable, but has perhaps her best performance yet as a rough and tumble Goddess. And in IV she’s an all knowing, disembodied spirit whose soul is used to power a robot and who has created an elaborate inner world complete with an extensive harem of handsome, half naked men. I’d be happy to be in Deis’ harem but I somehow don’t think I meet her exacting standards given that my biceps are not, in fact, the size of my head.
#3 Etna- Disgaea Series Published by Atlus, Nippon Ichi
Not to be confused with the volcano, Etna’s a barrel of laughs. Absolutely loyal to the deceased King Krichevskoy and absolutely rotten to his heir Laharl as well as her gaggle of minimum wage exploding demon penguin servants (they’re called Prinnies, dood!) Etna is as manipulative as they come AND she’s got this real fixation with classical beauty, which is part of the joke in the series. Apparently she’s over a thousand years old, but in demon time that makes her essentially a “tween.” However, she’s so strong that no one dares risk contradicting her when she refers to herself as “Beauty Queen Etna” or when she uses attacks like “Sexy Beam.” The fact that Laharl is deathly afraid of large breasts only fuels her fixation. She tends to show up in a lot of games because the numerous scenes of her abusing her prinnies is pretty much the series hallmark. All of this is only made better by the fact that her Japanese voice actress is absolutely perfect for the role. Dunno about her English voice.
#2 Raquel Applegate in Wild ARMs 4 published in America by XSeed
“Follow the flow, align the blade, show no hesitation...and strike with full power!" is pretty much her Mantra on and off the battlefield. You’ve got to love that. And she’s got a lot of other things going for her as well. At only 19 she’s already the game’s “grizzled veteran,” the mature, reflective one. Wild ARMs 4, although short gives some good development to each major and support character (with the exception of the actual female lead for some reason, who is a generic goody-goody cardboard cutout of no interest whatsoever.) Raquel is so powerful in battle it’s almost not even fair of you to use her intelligently because she can single handedly kill bosses in a series of back-to-back attacks. Yikes. Her character is so much fun partially because her reflective and somewhat introverted personality is at such odds with how absolutely devastating she is in battle. Plus, I’ve got a soft spot for tragedy and Wild ARMs 4 has a whole mess of tragedy, not the least of which is a fatal, incurable disease Raquel has. I’ll always remember this one scene where, coughing up blood, she still manages to outmaneuver a master swordsman who can actually manipulate time. Now that’s skill. Defeat is not in Raquel’s dictionary either. Everything is pretty much just a matter of willpower. And although she’s far from lady like, she is actually quite feminine. It’s hard not to love Raquel.
#1 Mitsuru Kirijo from Persona 3 published by Atlus
Okay, a quick overview. In her own game, she’s the smart one of the bunch. She’s filthy rich. She can kick your ass with a sword or ice magic. She wears thigh high leather boots. Do I need to say more? Well, okay, sure. It may be true that because of Ms. Parker and her portrayal of a character with the same name, from a little show called the Pretender I’ve had a long standing obsession with Ice Queens since I was but a wee lad, but Mitsuru has more going on than that. Like our number 2 heroine, she’s got a stubborn streak that makes her super dangerous and a hint of tragedy to boot. In particular, the game’s world threatening events come from the manifestations of desires and inner weaknesses, and it was Mitsuru’s grandfather who helped give them form. Despite being heiress to a massive family industry with political ties, Mitsuru is determined to fix the problem herself. In other words, she’s no arm chair general. She gets things done. And unlike most games, Persona takes place in what is ostensibly the real world in modern times. So when she’s not stabbing monsters in the face, she’s class president. What more can one say about a girl with an IQ off the charts who is also ready, willing and able to put a high heel up your backside with a totally straight face? She doesn’t talk very much and isn’t very emotive, even though she’s super articulate. She’s a mystery. And like Raquel, she’s clearly very much a woman without ever being girly-girl. This is what we call a winner.
Join me again Friday when I'll provide a representative list of some of the most relatable males in gaming. And yes. Then I'll move on to other topics. Quit whining. Rassumbooksarenotsacredandhowdoyouthinkyoucanbeawriterwithoutstudyingothermediumsfrasssum? Huh? I said nothing.
#5 Samus Aran of the Metroid series Published by Nintendo
Here’s what you need to know about Samus Aran. She’s Lt. Ripley of Aliens, if Ripley wore a tank instead of clothing. No, seriously. And I believe I’ve already expressed my love and admiration for Ripley in the alien movies . Take out references to a male lead, replace civilian child with Metroid Hatchling and Queen Alien with Mother Brain, Space Pirate Extraordinaire and poof! Plus, Metroid is one of the classic series that defined platforming adventure games. She was about the first really cool, devastating heroine in video game history. Indeed, most gamers would probably give me flak for not putting her higher on the list, but truth be told her character was never really developed. It got its power from being the only female lead around back in the day and from the inevitable comparison to Aliens. Now it runs largely on nostalgia. Far as I know, only one game has attempted to give her a real personality at all- the relatively recent Metroid Other M which was roundly criticized for being stupid So there you have it. I can’t list her any higher with such weak development, no matter how many times she kicks me square in the nostalgia cortex.
#4 Deis – Breath of Fire Series Published by Capcom
God I love Deis. Objectively however, I’m not sure I can put her any higher on the list. She appears in four games- Breath of Fire I-IV and has three distinct but equally delicious personalities. In I and II, she’s an all-powerful airhead. She’s a secret character so her motivations are totally frivolous (and as I recall amount primarily to a combination of boredom resulting from near immortality and the fact that the main character is handsome and she’s been lacking interesting things to look at in her dungeon.) She’s also hideously, game breakingly powerful. Her magic will pretty much destroy all your enemies in a snap. In the third game, she’s no longer playable, but has perhaps her best performance yet as a rough and tumble Goddess. And in IV she’s an all knowing, disembodied spirit whose soul is used to power a robot and who has created an elaborate inner world complete with an extensive harem of handsome, half naked men. I’d be happy to be in Deis’ harem but I somehow don’t think I meet her exacting standards given that my biceps are not, in fact, the size of my head.
#3 Etna- Disgaea Series Published by Atlus, Nippon Ichi
Not to be confused with the volcano, Etna’s a barrel of laughs. Absolutely loyal to the deceased King Krichevskoy and absolutely rotten to his heir Laharl as well as her gaggle of minimum wage exploding demon penguin servants (they’re called Prinnies, dood!) Etna is as manipulative as they come AND she’s got this real fixation with classical beauty, which is part of the joke in the series. Apparently she’s over a thousand years old, but in demon time that makes her essentially a “tween.” However, she’s so strong that no one dares risk contradicting her when she refers to herself as “Beauty Queen Etna” or when she uses attacks like “Sexy Beam.” The fact that Laharl is deathly afraid of large breasts only fuels her fixation. She tends to show up in a lot of games because the numerous scenes of her abusing her prinnies is pretty much the series hallmark. All of this is only made better by the fact that her Japanese voice actress is absolutely perfect for the role. Dunno about her English voice.
#2 Raquel Applegate in Wild ARMs 4 published in America by XSeed
“Follow the flow, align the blade, show no hesitation...and strike with full power!" is pretty much her Mantra on and off the battlefield. You’ve got to love that. And she’s got a lot of other things going for her as well. At only 19 she’s already the game’s “grizzled veteran,” the mature, reflective one. Wild ARMs 4, although short gives some good development to each major and support character (with the exception of the actual female lead for some reason, who is a generic goody-goody cardboard cutout of no interest whatsoever.) Raquel is so powerful in battle it’s almost not even fair of you to use her intelligently because she can single handedly kill bosses in a series of back-to-back attacks. Yikes. Her character is so much fun partially because her reflective and somewhat introverted personality is at such odds with how absolutely devastating she is in battle. Plus, I’ve got a soft spot for tragedy and Wild ARMs 4 has a whole mess of tragedy, not the least of which is a fatal, incurable disease Raquel has. I’ll always remember this one scene where, coughing up blood, she still manages to outmaneuver a master swordsman who can actually manipulate time. Now that’s skill. Defeat is not in Raquel’s dictionary either. Everything is pretty much just a matter of willpower. And although she’s far from lady like, she is actually quite feminine. It’s hard not to love Raquel.
#1 Mitsuru Kirijo from Persona 3 published by Atlus
Okay, a quick overview. In her own game, she’s the smart one of the bunch. She’s filthy rich. She can kick your ass with a sword or ice magic. She wears thigh high leather boots. Do I need to say more? Well, okay, sure. It may be true that because of Ms. Parker and her portrayal of a character with the same name, from a little show called the Pretender I’ve had a long standing obsession with Ice Queens since I was but a wee lad, but Mitsuru has more going on than that. Like our number 2 heroine, she’s got a stubborn streak that makes her super dangerous and a hint of tragedy to boot. In particular, the game’s world threatening events come from the manifestations of desires and inner weaknesses, and it was Mitsuru’s grandfather who helped give them form. Despite being heiress to a massive family industry with political ties, Mitsuru is determined to fix the problem herself. In other words, she’s no arm chair general. She gets things done. And unlike most games, Persona takes place in what is ostensibly the real world in modern times. So when she’s not stabbing monsters in the face, she’s class president. What more can one say about a girl with an IQ off the charts who is also ready, willing and able to put a high heel up your backside with a totally straight face? She doesn’t talk very much and isn’t very emotive, even though she’s super articulate. She’s a mystery. And like Raquel, she’s clearly very much a woman without ever being girly-girl. This is what we call a winner.
Join me again Friday when I'll provide a representative list of some of the most relatable males in gaming. And yes. Then I'll move on to other topics. Quit whining. Rassumbooksarenotsacredandhowdoyouthinkyoucanbeawriterwithoutstudyingothermediumsfrasssum? Huh? I said nothing.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Blue and Cyan
A week or two ago I saw a big thing online about Video Game History month. And that kinda made me laugh. It was an ad for a sale at Best Buy or something. I’m not really sure. I didn’t give it that much thought. But you know me. Never let a stupid opportunity go unexploited. So for the next week, we’ll be talking video games. Yaaaaay.
Yeah, yeah. I know. You're worried once again that this is stupid and not relevant to you. Not a good attitude for writers to have, methinks. Besides, you don't even know what I'm going to use this week for. Initially I was going to use today to debunk some common myths, but it was so long and so serious (and many others, such as respected MIT professors who write on behalf of PBS have adressed many of the same issues in many of the same ways have already done so) that I figured it wasn't worth doing here at the moment. So instead today I'll talk about some game terminology. On Wednesday I'll discuss some of my favorite video game heroines and on Friday, something similar for men, but since there are more of them I've decided to challenge myself and try to find ones who are actually relatable. As in, people you could see yourself eating lunch with. And that's pretty hard since men in games tend to either be childish twits or rampaging beasts. There. Doesn't that sound edifying? Now, on with the show.
Levels or Dies: a classic method of making a one player game into a multi-player experience simply by trading off the controller when a specific goal is accomplished (beat a level) or thoroughly failed (die).
Noob: An insulting but often fecetious term for someone who is either new to a particular game and therefore ignorant of how it works or ocassionally, just someone who is really bad at it.
Nerf: verb. Past tense is nerfed. To be nerfed is when a character or enemy is weaker than they should be. Used especially in franchises when a recurring character who was once strong is toned down too much.
Winners don't do drugs: and cheaters never win. Has nothing to do with games other than that the community happened to pick up on it. I think it was a drug awareness commercial way back.
IK/OHK/OHKO: All mean basically the same thing, but stand for Instant Kill, One-Hit-Kill and One-Hit-Knock-out respectively.
Metroidvania: A term referring to a particular style of exploration heavy platformers. Derived from the series titles "Metroid" and "Castlevania."
Dragon Punch/Reverse Dragon punch: That would be forward down to forward for the DP and back, down to back for the RDP. A common command especially in certain types of games.
Numerical notation: Some players, especially of certain kinds of games will write down input commands using numbers. Something like 41236 X2. Sounds complicated, but it's not. Look at the number pad on the right side of your keyboard. See how they're arraged? 41236 X2 means "Half circle back to forward twice" Tah dah!
NPC: Non-Player Character. Technically villains are NPCs too, but we rarely think of them that way. Usually it refers to minor support cast.
RPG/SRPG/TRPG: My favorite genre. Roleplaying games are text heavy and battles rely on strategy and preparation. Affixing an S or T to the front stands for Strategy or Tactical, to designate the ones that are a lot like playing chess and reading a book simultaneously. Players will also often refer to RPGs as "JRPGs." The J is for Japanese- these games tend to have complicated but fairly linear plots and light to moderate character customization. Historically, they were distinguished from CRPG (Computer RPGs)which were less linear, had less developed characters but had more customization involved. This was only because CRPGs tended to be made in "the west" and closely reflected old pen and paper games such as Dungeons and Dragons. These days, so many things are availible on so many systems on both sides of the pond that CRPG has fallen out of favor, and is replaced with "Western RPG". In general, this is the most popular genre in Japan and is very popular in Korea as well. It's about the least popular in America.
RPG Elements: A term that's been common since the late 90s. Refers to elements such as towns full of NPCs, stats, upgradeable equipment, item creation etc. As games came into their own, they've been made more complicated, and these elements have become more common. There is currently, and has been for about five years, a debate over whether this will ultimately cause pure RPGs to lose all value and die as a genre.
MMO: Stands for Massively Multiplayer Online. In other words, one of those games where dozens, even hundreds or thousands of people will be playing on the same server at once and can interact with each other.
NES/SNES: Shorthand for Nintendo Entertainment System and Super Nintendo Entertainment System. Both are on the short list for best systems ever made. In Japan they were called Famicom and Super Famicom respectively.
PSX/PSOne/PS2: PSX is short for Playstation, Sony's first console system. It was later remodeled and dubbed PSOne, presumably to distinguish it from the Playstation 2 (PS2). Again, both of these systems are favorites in the gaming community. PS3 by contrast falls somewhere between slightly dissapointing and abysmal failure in the minds of many gamers.
Cheap: A term which refers to any ability an enemy may posess against which a player can do little or nothing. Simply being powerful doesn't qualify. Spamming a high speed unblockable IK- that's cheap.
Color-Swap: When a setting or character is almost an identical clone of another except that it has been re-colored. This is a common technique to make various grades of enemies, some weak some strong- in other words, to make the game more complicated while giving your artists a break. As I like to say "Beware the color-swap my son." Look for the full Jabberwocky reference in MacGuffin Quest coming to a PC near you in... I haven't decided yet. Developed by Crewd Entertainment Inc.
Port: To port a game means to re-code it and re-release it for another system. This is done to keep popular games availible after their systems have died or to make them availible to more players. Of course, many games are initially developed for one system but are likely to be released on two or three, even at launch. In which case, any system that seems to have been an afterthought, where there is more likely to be glitches or technical problems may be called a port even if it shares a release date.
Emulation: Means the same for games as with any technology. To emulate is to attempt to run a program not originally made for the system you're running it on by attempting to mimic its original system. This is one way developers can port games to other systems. It also refers to playing older games on one's PC through a special emulator. This is technically illegal, but the average gamer doesn't really care. Namely because there's no one to sell you a copy of a 20 year old game never released outside of Japan. There's also a bustling community of fan translators out there to serve this. I admit however, that my perspective on the issue may be unfairly biased in emulation's defense because of my preference in games. See: RPGs. And again to be fair to myself and emulation: they actually serve as decent PR. When a series is released here, there is only a small community of importers and emulators to spread word of mouth on behalf of the publisher. Combined with the fact that those emulating probably aren't able to buy a copy in the first place, only a handful of companies (heavily reliant or re-releasing old stuff at full price. I'm looking at you Square-Enix) concern themselves much with it. Note: this is a little different from pirating which, although it may be emulated, refers to games that ARE availible and relatively recent. This IS a big issue for developers on both sides of the ocean (and sometimes, the number of people pirating a game's Japanese version before stateside release kills profits) so this is a VERY BAD THING.
There. Now you have an elementary knowledge of gamer terms.
Yeah, yeah. I know. You're worried once again that this is stupid and not relevant to you. Not a good attitude for writers to have, methinks. Besides, you don't even know what I'm going to use this week for. Initially I was going to use today to debunk some common myths, but it was so long and so serious (and many others, such as respected MIT professors who write on behalf of PBS have adressed many of the same issues in many of the same ways have already done so) that I figured it wasn't worth doing here at the moment. So instead today I'll talk about some game terminology. On Wednesday I'll discuss some of my favorite video game heroines and on Friday, something similar for men, but since there are more of them I've decided to challenge myself and try to find ones who are actually relatable. As in, people you could see yourself eating lunch with. And that's pretty hard since men in games tend to either be childish twits or rampaging beasts. There. Doesn't that sound edifying? Now, on with the show.
Levels or Dies: a classic method of making a one player game into a multi-player experience simply by trading off the controller when a specific goal is accomplished (beat a level) or thoroughly failed (die).
Noob: An insulting but often fecetious term for someone who is either new to a particular game and therefore ignorant of how it works or ocassionally, just someone who is really bad at it.
Nerf: verb. Past tense is nerfed. To be nerfed is when a character or enemy is weaker than they should be. Used especially in franchises when a recurring character who was once strong is toned down too much.
Winners don't do drugs: and cheaters never win. Has nothing to do with games other than that the community happened to pick up on it. I think it was a drug awareness commercial way back.
IK/OHK/OHKO: All mean basically the same thing, but stand for Instant Kill, One-Hit-Kill and One-Hit-Knock-out respectively.
Metroidvania: A term referring to a particular style of exploration heavy platformers. Derived from the series titles "Metroid" and "Castlevania."
Dragon Punch/Reverse Dragon punch: That would be forward down to forward for the DP and back, down to back for the RDP. A common command especially in certain types of games.
Numerical notation: Some players, especially of certain kinds of games will write down input commands using numbers. Something like 41236 X2. Sounds complicated, but it's not. Look at the number pad on the right side of your keyboard. See how they're arraged? 41236 X2 means "Half circle back to forward twice" Tah dah!
NPC: Non-Player Character. Technically villains are NPCs too, but we rarely think of them that way. Usually it refers to minor support cast.
RPG/SRPG/TRPG: My favorite genre. Roleplaying games are text heavy and battles rely on strategy and preparation. Affixing an S or T to the front stands for Strategy or Tactical, to designate the ones that are a lot like playing chess and reading a book simultaneously. Players will also often refer to RPGs as "JRPGs." The J is for Japanese- these games tend to have complicated but fairly linear plots and light to moderate character customization. Historically, they were distinguished from CRPG (Computer RPGs)which were less linear, had less developed characters but had more customization involved. This was only because CRPGs tended to be made in "the west" and closely reflected old pen and paper games such as Dungeons and Dragons. These days, so many things are availible on so many systems on both sides of the pond that CRPG has fallen out of favor, and is replaced with "Western RPG". In general, this is the most popular genre in Japan and is very popular in Korea as well. It's about the least popular in America.
RPG Elements: A term that's been common since the late 90s. Refers to elements such as towns full of NPCs, stats, upgradeable equipment, item creation etc. As games came into their own, they've been made more complicated, and these elements have become more common. There is currently, and has been for about five years, a debate over whether this will ultimately cause pure RPGs to lose all value and die as a genre.
MMO: Stands for Massively Multiplayer Online. In other words, one of those games where dozens, even hundreds or thousands of people will be playing on the same server at once and can interact with each other.
NES/SNES: Shorthand for Nintendo Entertainment System and Super Nintendo Entertainment System. Both are on the short list for best systems ever made. In Japan they were called Famicom and Super Famicom respectively.
PSX/PSOne/PS2: PSX is short for Playstation, Sony's first console system. It was later remodeled and dubbed PSOne, presumably to distinguish it from the Playstation 2 (PS2). Again, both of these systems are favorites in the gaming community. PS3 by contrast falls somewhere between slightly dissapointing and abysmal failure in the minds of many gamers.
Cheap: A term which refers to any ability an enemy may posess against which a player can do little or nothing. Simply being powerful doesn't qualify. Spamming a high speed unblockable IK- that's cheap.
Color-Swap: When a setting or character is almost an identical clone of another except that it has been re-colored. This is a common technique to make various grades of enemies, some weak some strong- in other words, to make the game more complicated while giving your artists a break. As I like to say "Beware the color-swap my son." Look for the full Jabberwocky reference in MacGuffin Quest coming to a PC near you in... I haven't decided yet. Developed by Crewd Entertainment Inc.
Port: To port a game means to re-code it and re-release it for another system. This is done to keep popular games availible after their systems have died or to make them availible to more players. Of course, many games are initially developed for one system but are likely to be released on two or three, even at launch. In which case, any system that seems to have been an afterthought, where there is more likely to be glitches or technical problems may be called a port even if it shares a release date.
Emulation: Means the same for games as with any technology. To emulate is to attempt to run a program not originally made for the system you're running it on by attempting to mimic its original system. This is one way developers can port games to other systems. It also refers to playing older games on one's PC through a special emulator. This is technically illegal, but the average gamer doesn't really care. Namely because there's no one to sell you a copy of a 20 year old game never released outside of Japan. There's also a bustling community of fan translators out there to serve this. I admit however, that my perspective on the issue may be unfairly biased in emulation's defense because of my preference in games. See: RPGs. And again to be fair to myself and emulation: they actually serve as decent PR. When a series is released here, there is only a small community of importers and emulators to spread word of mouth on behalf of the publisher. Combined with the fact that those emulating probably aren't able to buy a copy in the first place, only a handful of companies (heavily reliant or re-releasing old stuff at full price. I'm looking at you Square-Enix) concern themselves much with it. Note: this is a little different from pirating which, although it may be emulated, refers to games that ARE availible and relatively recent. This IS a big issue for developers on both sides of the ocean (and sometimes, the number of people pirating a game's Japanese version before stateside release kills profits) so this is a VERY BAD THING.
There. Now you have an elementary knowledge of gamer terms.
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